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Chapter Two
ON
THE SILLY SHIP TITANIC
As soon as
the crew left the transport pod, they all split up, and after
about five minutes, they were in completely different areas of
the ship.
At the moment,
Crichton and Aeryn were wandering around below the decks, where
the cars and bars of gold and all that were stored. After walking
around for a few minutes (well, I'm sorry, but it just goes straight
from microts to arns. It's not my fault), they came upon a Renault
that seemed to have all its windows fogged up, except for a handprint
on one side.
"What
the Hezmama is that? Is that what I think it is? If it is, then
these people are much more stupid than I thought." Aeryn
said.
Crichton sighed.
"Yes, Aeryn, it is, in fact, a fossil-fuel burning vehicle.
Yes, Aeryn, Humans are, in fact, infinitely more stupid than
Sebaceans. Yes, Aeryn, there are, in fact-OH MY GOD!!!!"
Crichton lunged at the car and stared in crazily through the
window.
"What.?"
Said, Aeryn, who was at the moment preoccupied with trying to
figure out exactly how stupid Crichton was in comparison with
her.
"There
are people having sex in this car." Said Crichton, not moving
from his viewpoint right outside the window.
"Oh, big
deal--WHOAH." Said Aeryn, moving next to Crichton so she
could look in. "So that's Rose?"
"Yeah."
"Hmm."
They both stood
there looking in for way too long, until, a few minutes later,
Aeryn, still transfixed, said, "Crichton?"
"Yeah?"
"Is that
a Woody?"
*****************************
Meanwhile,
Rygel was going around randomly knocking on doors so that he
could say 'I am Rygel XVI, Dominar of Hyneria. I am much too
important to talk to you," and then watch all the women
scream even more annoyingly than Jool.
After about
eighteen doors, he came upon a plump, slightly demented woman
who, instead of screaming, said, "Well, hello! My name's
Molly Brown! How Are Ya! You look a bit green! Boats not agree
with ya? Come on in! Ah have a tux ya!"
Rygel, who
found the human fascinating, came inside and allowed her to outfit
him in a little tuxedo, which she did while saying "This
suit is ma son's! It fit's ya just right!"
Suddenly, Rygel
figured out that there was an inconsistency in the fanfic. Pleased
with himself for figuring this out, and also delighted that he
had figured out a way to torment Dakki, he decided to this problem
to the author's attention.
"Dakki!"
He said into his com.
"You don't
need to do that, I'm right here," Dakki said irritably.
"What's wrong?"
"We're
on an alternate dimension version of earth! The people wouldn't
have translator microbes!" Rygel said triumphantly.
"Oh, shut
up, you little twerp," Dakki said angrily, "you can
only do that in Cordefics. You can't talk to the author in a
Dakkific. Besides, Crais came here a couple solar days ago and
brought a whole mess or DRDs with him so he could inject translator
microbes into everybody. Now go back to the fic."
"Fine,"
Rygel said, and brought his attentions back to Molly Brown, who
was babbling incoherently to himself. Pleased with his new tux,
he motored out into the hall with what Molly called "your
lil' flyin' chair."
After that,
Rygel wandered around the halls until he came to a big room with
lots of Rygel's favorite thing in it-yes, you guessed it-food!
Rygel, presumptuous
little Hynerian that he was, went right over to a table and sat
down as if he belonged there. The businessmen sitting there took
almost no notice at all, as he blended in very well, since most
of them resembled him uncannily-short, pudgy, and mustached,
with substantial earbrows to boot. At one point, the gentleman
sitting next to him asked him what he did, but Rygel just said
"Er.food
cubes!' and then joined a conversation at the other end of the
table about poor people and Did They Really Deserve To Live?
Not surprisingly, the businessmen on the ship became very fond
of Rygel. The only time he ever really stood out was when he
farted helium, which happened twice that evening due to the exceedingly
rich food.
Rygel relished
every bite of the eight-course meal that he sat through, but
the bit that he loved most was the caviar, Beluga especially.
After dinner,
Rygel raided the kitchen, packing about fifteen jars of caviar
into his chair. He was about to leave when a scary-looking chef
caught him...
*****************************
After fifteen
(sorry!) minutes of staring, with the occasional comment, Crichton
and Aeryn still had their faces pressed against the window, and
Jack and Rose were still at it, stupid lower life-forms that
they were.
"I men,
honestly. Shouldn't they be using birth control??" Aeryn
asked.
"Well,
I told you the story, right?"
"Right."
"Well,
she's rich, he's poor, he's opened up new worlds for her, so.to
tell you the truth I have no idea why they're not using protection.
I guess there's this unwritten rule that if you have new horizons
opened up for you then you're not allowed to use birth control."
"You guys
are so stupid."
"Yeah,
I know. But what can you do?"
"Oh, Gods-Crichton,
look at this. Look at this. She just went 'you're trembling,'
and he just said 'I'll be all right.' I'm sorry, but where does
that COME FROM? They just frelled. Why in hezmana would that
denote trembling?? This is just so dumb."
Just at that
moment, Chi and D'Argo walked up, holding hands. At the time,
Crichton was looking around to see if there were any other free
cars, so he saw them. Tapping on Aeryn's shoulder, he whispered,
"Aeryn! It's Chi and D'Argo! It looks like they're back
together."
"Hey,
guys!" Crichton said, waving to them. "Hey, are you.?"
"We're
back together!" chi said happily. "I mean, the fact
that he's gone all bonkers ever since we went through the cordhole
may have something to do with it, but."
"Count
your blessings." Crichton said.
"Yup,"
said Chi.
"Hey,
guys, look at this," said Aeryn, breaking away from the
Renault.
Chi had skipped
over and, never one to miss a good source of entertainment, glued
her face to the window within three microts. Right before D'Argo
could come over, though, Crichton heard a strange beeping emanating
from his person.
"D'Argo,
what's that?" Crichton asked curiously.
"Oh, this?"
D'Argo asked, pulling a DRD from his pocket, "This is Blinky,
my little DRD buddy.
Who's the best
little DRD in the who galaxy? You are! You are!"
Crichton decided to ignore D'Argo for the time being and just
be grateful that he didn't think he was a Delvian Priest anymore.
After Jack
and Rose finished with their...business, everyone split up and
went their separate ways.
Little did
they know that Rygel was in quite a predicament...
*****************************
At that moment,
Rygel was sitting in a room on one of the lower stories, handcuffed
to a-um, what was Jack handcuffed to in the movie? It was a file
cabinet, right? Okay, a file cabinet-and a scary man with a strange
eastern-European accent was talking to him, although he was basically
just spewing out lines from Mafia movies (this being the dimension
Where Movies Are Real, after all) in an attempt to make up for
the fact that he really sucked at interrogating people.
"What
the Hezmana is wrong with you?" Rygel asked impatiently,
"I will have you know that I used to be Dominar to over
600 billion loyal subjects! That's right. I am Dominar Rygel
XVI of Hyneria. I am much to important to talk to you."
Intimidating
Eastern-European Man (from now on known as IEE Man) looked very
puzzled for several microts, having never detailed with a Hynerian
before, and then said "Ve haf vays of makink joo tok."
Rygel was seriously
considering biting IEE Man's ear off, that was how pissed off
he was (he usually just vomits on people), but luckily for IEE
Man, at that exact moment Spicer Lovejoy (Cal's manservant thingy,
in case you've forgotten the name-which you're totally allowed
to do, by the way. He has the most amazingly weird name. In fact,
I'm just going to call him Amazingly Weird Name
Guy, or AWN
Guy for short) came in with Jack.
"Hey,
IEE Man," said AWN Guy, dragging in Jack and handcuffing
him to the file cabinet.
"What
exactly do you mean by handcuffing me to this file cabinet?"
Asked Jack.
AWN Guy and
IEE Man looked at Jack as if he was nuts for a few Microts, and
then said at the same time, "The frelling boat is sinking,
you idiot."
"Now,
wait, how could that be happening?" Jack wondered, trying
to look as cute as Crichton in the process but failing miserably,
"I was just having sex with Rose five minutes ago. Dakki?
What's going on?"
"How many
times have I told you, YOU CANNOT TALK TO THE FRELLING AUTHOR
IN DAKKIFICS. You're confusing this with a Cordefic. So STOP
TALKING TO ME. Corde will probably sue me, so just SHUT UP. And
to answer your question: I am totally allowed to do weird things
with time. And from now on, I don't want any characters talking
to me, except Crichton, and even then he HAS TO HAVE HIS SHIRT
OFF." Dakki said angrily.
"Fine,"
said Jack, and then it hit him that the ship was sinking, "DAKKI!!
HELLLPPP!"
"I can't
heeeaaarrr yoooouuuu..." Dakki said cheerfully.
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