Established: 03 March 2002

Current News
News Archive
Episode Reviews
Character Profiles
Spoiler Archive
Kemps Corner
Poll Archive
Farscape Links
Other Links

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as would pictures of wives and girlfriends naked. Submissions? Anything really. Click on the smiley face!

All text, HTML etc. on this site is the property of the webmaster and is not to be used without the webmasters permission. He's an amicable sort of fellow, so if you ask nicely, I'm sure it won't be a problem. Please don't snurch!

© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



Chapter Two



As soon as the crew left the transport pod, they all split up, and after about five minutes, they were in completely different areas of the ship.

At the moment, Crichton and Aeryn were wandering around below the decks, where the cars and bars of gold and all that were stored. After walking around for a few minutes (well, I'm sorry, but it just goes straight from microts to arns. It's not my fault), they came upon a Renault that seemed to have all its windows fogged up, except for a handprint on one side.

"What the Hezmama is that? Is that what I think it is? If it is, then these people are much more stupid than I thought." Aeryn said.

Crichton sighed. "Yes, Aeryn, it is, in fact, a fossil-fuel burning vehicle. Yes, Aeryn, Humans are, in fact, infinitely more stupid than Sebaceans. Yes, Aeryn, there are, in fact-OH MY GOD!!!!" Crichton lunged at the car and stared in crazily through the window.

"What.?" Said, Aeryn, who was at the moment preoccupied with trying to figure out exactly how stupid Crichton was in comparison with her.

"There are people having sex in this car." Said Crichton, not moving from his viewpoint right outside the window.

"Oh, big deal--WHOAH." Said Aeryn, moving next to Crichton so she could look in. "So that's Rose?"



They both stood there looking in for way too long, until, a few minutes later, Aeryn, still transfixed, said, "Crichton?"


"Is that a Woody?"


Meanwhile, Rygel was going around randomly knocking on doors so that he could say 'I am Rygel XVI, Dominar of Hyneria. I am much too important to talk to you," and then watch all the women scream even more annoyingly than Jool.

After about eighteen doors, he came upon a plump, slightly demented woman who, instead of screaming, said, "Well, hello! My name's Molly Brown! How Are Ya! You look a bit green! Boats not agree with ya? Come on in! Ah have a tux ya!"

Rygel, who found the human fascinating, came inside and allowed her to outfit him in a little tuxedo, which she did while saying "This suit is ma son's! It fit's ya just right!"

Suddenly, Rygel figured out that there was an inconsistency in the fanfic. Pleased with himself for figuring this out, and also delighted that he had figured out a way to torment Dakki, he decided to this problem to the author's attention.

"Dakki!" He said into his com.

"You don't need to do that, I'm right here," Dakki said irritably. "What's wrong?"

"We're on an alternate dimension version of earth! The people wouldn't have translator microbes!" Rygel said triumphantly.

"Oh, shut up, you little twerp," Dakki said angrily, "you can only do that in Cordefics. You can't talk to the author in a Dakkific. Besides, Crais came here a couple solar days ago and brought a whole mess or DRDs with him so he could inject translator microbes into everybody. Now go back to the fic."

"Fine," Rygel said, and brought his attentions back to Molly Brown, who was babbling incoherently to himself. Pleased with his new tux, he motored out into the hall with what Molly called "your lil' flyin' chair."

After that, Rygel wandered around the halls until he came to a big room with lots of Rygel's favorite thing in it-yes, you guessed it-food!

Rygel, presumptuous little Hynerian that he was, went right over to a table and sat down as if he belonged there. The businessmen sitting there took almost no notice at all, as he blended in very well, since most of them resembled him uncannily-short, pudgy, and mustached, with substantial earbrows to boot. At one point, the gentleman sitting next to him asked him what he did, but Rygel just said

" cubes!' and then joined a conversation at the other end of the table about poor people and Did They Really Deserve To Live? Not surprisingly, the businessmen on the ship became very fond of Rygel. The only time he ever really stood out was when he farted helium, which happened twice that evening due to the exceedingly rich food.

Rygel relished every bite of the eight-course meal that he sat through, but the bit that he loved most was the caviar, Beluga especially.

After dinner, Rygel raided the kitchen, packing about fifteen jars of caviar into his chair. He was about to leave when a scary-looking chef caught him...


After fifteen (sorry!) minutes of staring, with the occasional comment, Crichton and Aeryn still had their faces pressed against the window, and Jack and Rose were still at it, stupid lower life-forms that they were.

"I men, honestly. Shouldn't they be using birth control??" Aeryn asked.

"Well, I told you the story, right?"


"Well, she's rich, he's poor, he's opened up new worlds for her, tell you the truth I have no idea why they're not using protection. I guess there's this unwritten rule that if you have new horizons opened up for you then you're not allowed to use birth control."

"You guys are so stupid."

"Yeah, I know. But what can you do?"

"Oh, Gods-Crichton, look at this. Look at this. She just went 'you're trembling,' and he just said 'I'll be all right.' I'm sorry, but where does that COME FROM? They just frelled. Why in hezmana would that denote trembling?? This is just so dumb."

Just at that moment, Chi and D'Argo walked up, holding hands. At the time, Crichton was looking around to see if there were any other free cars, so he saw them. Tapping on Aeryn's shoulder, he whispered, "Aeryn! It's Chi and D'Argo! It looks like they're back together."

"Hey, guys!" Crichton said, waving to them. "Hey, are you.?"

"We're back together!" chi said happily. "I mean, the fact that he's gone all bonkers ever since we went through the cordhole may have something to do with it, but."

"Count your blessings." Crichton said.

"Yup," said Chi.

"Hey, guys, look at this," said Aeryn, breaking away from the Renault.

Chi had skipped over and, never one to miss a good source of entertainment, glued her face to the window within three microts. Right before D'Argo could come over, though, Crichton heard a strange beeping emanating from his person.

"D'Argo, what's that?" Crichton asked curiously.

"Oh, this?" D'Argo asked, pulling a DRD from his pocket, "This is Blinky, my little DRD buddy.

Who's the best little DRD in the who galaxy? You are! You are!"
Crichton decided to ignore D'Argo for the time being and just be grateful that he didn't think he was a Delvian Priest anymore.

After Jack and Rose finished with, everyone split up and went their separate ways.

Little did they know that Rygel was in quite a predicament...


At that moment, Rygel was sitting in a room on one of the lower stories, handcuffed to a-um, what was Jack handcuffed to in the movie? It was a file cabinet, right? Okay, a file cabinet-and a scary man with a strange eastern-European accent was talking to him, although he was basically just spewing out lines from Mafia movies (this being the dimension Where Movies Are Real, after all) in an attempt to make up for the fact that he really sucked at interrogating people.

"What the Hezmana is wrong with you?" Rygel asked impatiently, "I will have you know that I used to be Dominar to over 600 billion loyal subjects! That's right. I am Dominar Rygel XVI of Hyneria. I am much to important to talk to you."

Intimidating Eastern-European Man (from now on known as IEE Man) looked very puzzled for several microts, having never detailed with a Hynerian before, and then said "Ve haf vays of makink joo tok."

Rygel was seriously considering biting IEE Man's ear off, that was how pissed off he was (he usually just vomits on people), but luckily for IEE Man, at that exact moment Spicer Lovejoy (Cal's manservant thingy, in case you've forgotten the name-which you're totally allowed to do, by the way. He has the most amazingly weird name. In fact, I'm just going to call him Amazingly Weird Name

Guy, or AWN Guy for short) came in with Jack.

"Hey, IEE Man," said AWN Guy, dragging in Jack and handcuffing him to the file cabinet.

"What exactly do you mean by handcuffing me to this file cabinet?" Asked Jack.

AWN Guy and IEE Man looked at Jack as if he was nuts for a few Microts, and then said at the same time, "The frelling boat is sinking, you idiot."

"Now, wait, how could that be happening?" Jack wondered, trying to look as cute as Crichton in the process but failing miserably, "I was just having sex with Rose five minutes ago. Dakki? What's going on?"

"How many times have I told you, YOU CANNOT TALK TO THE FRELLING AUTHOR IN DAKKIFICS. You're confusing this with a Cordefic. So STOP TALKING TO ME. Corde will probably sue me, so just SHUT UP. And to answer your question: I am totally allowed to do weird things with time. And from now on, I don't want any characters talking to me, except Crichton, and even then he HAS TO HAVE HIS SHIRT OFF." Dakki said angrily.

"Fine," said Jack, and then it hit him that the ship was sinking, "DAKKI!! HELLLPPP!"

"I can't heeeaaarrr yoooouuuu..." Dakki said cheerfully.


<prev      next >

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.