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Chapter Three



Rygel and Jack sat in the small room, handcuffed to the file cabinet, screaming very loudly. Rygel was being especially loud, which was very strange, considering the fact that Hynerians are aquatic. And if it wasn't for Chi, who happened to be passing the room that Jack and Rygel were in right at that moment, then Rose would have ended up chopping off Jack's handcuffs with an axe and then most likely cutting off Rygel's hands, because, let's be frank, you can get lucky chopping off handcuffs the first time, but if you think that you'll do it successfully the second then you're just asking for too much.

"What the frell is going on in here?" Chi asked as she stepped in.

"Help, first, questions later," Rygel yelled, "now get me the FRELL OUT OF HERE!!!"

"What's the matter with you?" Chiana said, "Hynerians are aquatic. Have you gone completely farbot?'

"Idiot. Of course I'm aquatic, but my frelling chair doesn't work if it's submerged. You don't expect me to walk, do you? If you do, then you're the one who's gone farbot, not me."

"Hold on," Chi said, rolling her eyes, "I'll get you a lightsaber."

"A lightsaber?" Jack said, confused, "Waaaiiit a minute-isn't Dakki confusing her scifi?"

"No," said Chi, "Obi-Wan Kenobi is up on the first class deck. After all, this is the dimension Where Movies Are Real."

"Oh," said Jack, still slightly confused, but trying to pass it off as a Soap Opera look. Of course, Chi saw right through it, but went to get the lightsaber anyway.

"Well." said Aeryn, "learn anything new?"

"Sure did," Crichton said cheerfully, "good thing we watched. I got quite a few pointers."

"Well, we should probably go. Just to check if D'Argo has gone completely farbot."

Crichton and Aeryn kissed a perfect Crichton-and-Aeryn kiss, and then got out of the car, and then split up-Crichton was planning on making sure that Spanky hadn't gotten himself in too much trouble, and Aeryn wanted to see about Chi and D'Argo.

Aeryn traversed the ship for a few minutes, and, after finding D'Argo getting Cello lessons from a member of the string quartet, decided that she wanted to have some fun.

Aeryn wandered around for a bit, and, unable to find a punching bag or similar, she decided that she would look for Rose and tell her about birth control, maybe teach her some rudimentary self-defense skills.

Eventually she found Rose, and followed her to her room. Once shed got inside, Aeryn found Rose fingering a big, shiny blue diamond.

"Well," Aeryn murmured to herself, "that would certainly buy a lot of food cubes."

Rose whirled around so fast that her hair knocked over a vase that was sitting on the table. "Who are you?" She asked.

"Oh, boy, have I got a lot to teach you..."

"I found it!" Chi said triumphantly as she entered the Small Room, lightsaber in hand. "And it wasn't easy, either. Jedi Knights sure are possessive."

"Well then, get me the frell out of these handcuffs! The water's beginning to come in here." Rygel said angrily.

Chi muttered something that sounded suspiciously like "frelling little Hynerian bastard," but she cut his cuffs anyway, and then Jack's. Jack looked a bit frightened by the Big Scary Light, but soon put up his He- man façade.

"So..." said Chi, "I guess you want to find your girlfriend."

"Yes!" said Jack, sounding less than sure of himself. "I am going to rescue her!"

With that, Chi, Jack, and Rygel set out to find Rose's room. They sloshed along for quite a while (since the boat had already begun to sink), and when they finally got to Rose's cabin, they were pretty surprised by what they saw.

"I think you'll find this a little more convenient..." Aeryn said as she tied some ribbon around Rose's slicked-back braid. Rose tossed her head, delighted to not feel weighed down by masses of hair anymore "Ah..." she said, "now I won't knock over any more vases. Thank you so much, Aeryn." In fact, the braid suited Rose quite well, as did the Peacekeeper clothes that Aeryn had rustled up for her.

Jack lunged a Rose. "oh, Rose!" he sobbed, "What has she done to you?"

"Shut up, Jack," said Rose, pushing him away, "I am not an object. Aeryn has taught me self defense, and about feminism, and how to steer a prowler. And I like my hair this way, thank you very much. Now, let's go and get a lifeboat."

"Couldn't have said it better myself" Aeryn said cheerfully.

Aeryn, Rose, Chi, Rygel, and Jack set off for the top deck so they could get a lifeboat. The only problem was, they still hadn't found Crichton, and Aeryn had a feeling that he wouldn't enjoy the cold all that much. But her problem was solved twenty minutes later when they found him and

D'Argo playing a lovely piece with the string quartet. The real problem came when they came across Cal, slightly drunk, wandering around looking for Rose .

"ROSE!" he said, lunging at her, "Come with me..."

"Leave me alone, Cal!" She said, kicking him in the stomach. But even that proved to be not quite enough. He tried to grab her again, but before he could, Aeryn grabbed her pulse-pistol and shot his mem-

"Um, Dakki?" Cal interrupted rudely, "this is supposed to be P.G. 13. Just something to keep in mind."

"Oh, sorry!" Dakki said, typing vigorously. "Thanks for reminding me..."

...Aeryn grabbed her puled-pistol and shot his wee-wee off.

"No, please, no, anything but that!" Cal wailed. "I would rather die than be wee-wee-less!"

"Okay," Aeryn said, and shot him again.

That taken care of, they set off to find a lifeboat...

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DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.