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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.




Chapter One


Disclaimer: Okay, I never really got this. From my extensive fanfic reading I have come to think that maybe it is mandatory to put a little disclaimer at the top saying that you don't own the characters. But I mean, isn't that OBVIOUS? Of COURSE you don't own the characters. Okay, sorry, I'm ranting. So, this is just to say that this fanfic is set in the middle of the fourth season, once Aeryn and Moya Crichton are back together and all that. The only difference is that I have left Jool out because I hate her. I am going to pretend that everybody got so pissed off at her that they refreezed her, or something.
Spoilers: Basically every episode. So if you haven't seen them all (or don't have a best friend who loves nothing more than to summarize each one in great detail), then, well.this won't make a whole lot of sense.



The Inevitable Farscape-Titanic Crossover In Which The Crew Stumbles Upon a Cord-Hole And Ends Up In An Alternate Universe Where Movies Are Real.


It was a typical day on Moya. Crichton and Aeryn were sitting on the terrace. Crichton was working on some coloring books he bought at a commerce planet, and Aeryn was cleaning her Pulse Pistol. Aeryn briefly considered killing Crichton, but decided against it because he looked so hot in his leather pants.

D'Argo was wandering around aimlessly kicking DRDs.

Pilot was Piloting.

Moya was Moyaing.

Crais was Craising on Talyn who was Talyning (Crais is not in any way involved in this story; I just wanted to say "Craising").

Chiana was doing nothing in particular.

Rygel was practicing saying "I Am Rygel The Sixteenth, Dominar Of Hyneria".

Then, suddenly, Crichton saw a wormhole off in the distance. "Oh my God, Aeryn, look, it's a wormhole!" he exclaimed excitedly.

"So tell Pilot" said Aeryn.

Crichton looked very confused for a minute and then said "But, Aeryn, I can't.'

"Why the frell can't you?" Aeryn asked, annoyed.

"Well, you see," Crichton began, "we never really established what we were supposed to do with our coms. Everyone does something else with them. Me, I tap mine insanely. But you kind of point your head towards it and Crais just ignores his! I'm so confused!" Crichton burst into tears.

"Oh, Gods, I'll do it," Aeryn said angrily. At this point Aeryn was thinking of testing her Pantac Jab on Crichton to see if she was out of practice, but decided against it because he was so very cute.

"Pilot, do you see a wormhole up ahead?"

After approximately four microts, Pilot said, "Yes, Moya's sensors are picking up a wormhole. I suppose you want to go through it?"

Aeryn motioned for Crichton to talk to pilot, but he was busy with his coloring books, so she said,

"Yes, I think Crichton would be interested in going through it. Just a second. Let me check."

"Crichton," she said, "do you want to go through the wormhole?"

"Is the Pope Catholic?"

Aeryn looked at him strangely. "Is that another erp saying?"

"Let me put it this way: Is Jool annoying?"

"Okay, so I guess the answer is yes. But do you really want to go back to earth that much? I mean, remember how the theme song changed and now you just go 'My name is John Crichton-I'm lost--an astronaut-shot through a wormhole-in some distant part of the universe. I'm trying to stay alive. Aboard this ship-this living ship. Of escaped prisoners-my friends. If you can hear me-beware. If I make it back-will they follow? If I open the door. Are You Ready? Earth Is unprepared-helpless-for the nightmares I have seen. Or should I stay-and protect my home-and unsheltered new existence. But then you will never know the wonders I have seen.' Instead of in the first and second season's, when you just said, 'Help! I'm on a ship! A living ship! With aliens on it!' See the difference?"

"Oh, yeah.' Crichton said vaguely. "That was all Rockne's Idea."

"Oh," Said Aeryn, looking slightly hurt. "Pilot," she said over her come, "yeah, go ahead."

With that, Moya went into the wormhole, zipping through very quickly. It lasted about 45 microts, and in the course of their wormhole journey Pilot got quite a few frantic queries of "Pilot, what the FRELL is going on???" and one, from D'Argo, which said "Help! HELP!!! I CAN'T SWIM!!!!! HELLLLLLLPPPP!!"

After Crichton and Aeryn finished making out (cordholes being the interstellar aphrodisiac), and Pilot had explained to the rest of the crew that they had just gone through a wormhole and explained to D'Argo that he was, in fact, not drowning, Aeryn asked where they were.

"Wellll." Pilot began, sounding less than sure about their whereabouts, "Moya's sensors are picking up that what we just went through was, in fact, not a wormhole at all".

"WELL THEN WHAT THE FRELL WAS IT?!?!?!?" Everyone screamed into their coms, Rygel being especially vocal, as he was less than pleased to be interrupted when he was doing his exercises.

"You needn't yell," Pilot sniffed, "or I won't even bother telling you."

"We're sorry, Pilot, please tell us." Chi said smarmily.

"Yes, Pilot, please." Said Aeryn, who is always nice to Pilot for no conceivable reason.

"All right, fine,' Pilot began, "It seems that we just went through something known as a cordhole. I'm not exactly sure, but it seems that they are very similar to wormholes, except that they take you to different dimensions, rather than different parts of the universe."

"Why did I think that I was drowning?" D'Argo demanded.

"Well," Pilot began, "apparently, cordholes more often than not have very strange effects on Luxans. You will probably continue acting strange for the next few arns."

"Oh," said D'Argo, and then went off to have a tea party.

By this point, everyone (except D'Argo) had gone up to the terrace to look at the pretty dimension.

"Pilot, do you have any idea what dimension we're in?"

"No. I have no way of telling."

Suddenly, Chi saw a big yellow sign floating up ahead. "Well, that may be a way of figuring out." She said, pointing at the sign. "Can anyone understand that?" (Sorry, fanficcers-fanficers? fanfickers?--but I was never quite clear on whether translator microbes worked only for speech.)

"Oh, my God," Crichton said, "That's English."

"Oh, Gods, Crichton," Aeryn said, exasperated, "why don't we just skip the bit where you go all insane this time, okay? Remember 'Self Inflicted Wounds'? Or maybe 'A Human Reaction'? This never turns out well. Besides, we've already established that this is an alternate dimension."

"Fine," said Crichton, "I'll just read it. Okay. It says: "You have just entered the twenty-first dimension, also known as The Dimension Where Movies Are Real'. Huh. I explained to you guys what movies are, right?'

Everyone nodded in assent, except for Rygel, who was still slightly miffed.

"Oh my God, that's Earth!" Crichton began, but he only got as far as "Oh my Go-" Before Aeryn, who figured out what he was about to say before he even said it, decided that it was wisest to try out her Pantac Jab after all.

"Well then," began Rygel, "why the Hezmana are we staying here?"

"Because, the cordhole will not reappear for approximately three solar days. We will have to wait until then." Said Pilot.

"Well then," said Chi, "Why don't we go down and investigate.'

At this point Crichton had woken up, although he was still a bit groggy. "Wunnerful idea," he shouted, "let's go ingestivate."

"Crichton, I don't think-" began Aeryn.

"Don't be stupid! I fell fust jine!"

"Say that again."

"I feel fine. No more Pantac Jabs, okay Babycakes? And as for you, Buckwheat," he said, picking up Rygel, "you're coming with us. You can practice on the way."

"Fine,' said Rygel, a sinister look crossing his face (that really doesn't mean anything. As you may have noticed, Rygel looks somewhat sinister whenever he doesn't get what he wants).

"So let's all take a transport pod down," said Aeryn.

"Wait a microt," interrupted Chiana, "Where's D'Argo?"

"Dunno. Can you look in his quarters, Chi?" Crichton asked sweetly. Chiana, who was at the moment transfixed by his biceps, nodded like a zombie and went to get him. Of course, by the time she got halfway to his quarters she had become untransfixed and was muttering "dren" a whole lot, like the Chi we know and love.

When Chiana got to D'Argo's quarters, she found him meditating naked. Since this was nothing new to her, she just said, "What's new, D'Argo?"

He immediately woke up and said, "Ah, Chiana. Welcome to my quarters. I am Pa'u Ka D'Argo. Make yourself at home. While you are here, would you like to join me in an ancient delvian chant?"

"Um, Pilot?" Chi said into her com, "D'Argo thinks he's a Delvian Priest. Is there anything we can do?"

"I'm afraid not," said Pilot, "As I've said, it will wear off in a few arns. Until then there is nothing we can do."

"Okayyyyy." said Chi, wondering how she would deal with a naked D'Argo.

"Okay, D'Argo?" she began, "we're all going down in a transport pod and we were wondering if you would like to come, once you get your clothes on."

"Ah, yes, I would love to. I will be up in a microt, Chiana." D'Argo said serenely.

"Okay. Bye." Chiana said, backing out of the room.

"You will never believe what happened," said Chi, once she was up on the terrace.

"What?" said Rygel, "some idiot took us into an alternate dimension that we can't get out of for three solar days? I can believe that."

"Noooo." said Chi, "D'Argo thinks he's a Delvian priest."

"Really?" said Aeryn, perking up, "that'll be interesting."

"Boy, I wish Bluey was here,' Crichton said wistfully.

"Why?" Asked Aeryn.

"Oh, you know." said Crichton, "She would say things about the Goddess and all that. I guess itdidn't really help, but, it made sense of it, sort of."

"Well, you'll have D'Argo for that now," said Chiana.

Once they were on the transport pod, it didn't take very long to get to the alternate dimension earth.

D'Argo seemed to have stopped thinking that he was a Delvian priest, but the crew still had their doubts that he was fully recovered.

Once they got there, they landed the transport pod on a large, gray ship.

"So, do you know what this is?" asked Aeryn.

"Hmm. oh, yeah! This is the Titanic, and I have feeling that right now we're in a movie that was made about it a few cycles ago."

"Did you see it?"

"Yeah, with my girlfriend. It was about a girl named Rose and a guy named Jack who.did stuff. And then the boat sank and he died, so she cried about it for the next seventy cycles."

"She sounds pretty stupid," Aeryn said.

"Yeah, well." Crichton said slowly, "Movie humans are usually much more stupid than regular humans."

'I find it very hard to imagine anyone being more stupid than you, Crichton," Aeryn said, smiling.

"By the way, shouldn't they be noticing sometime soon that a transport pod landed on their ship?"

"Nah, this kind of thing happens all the time in movies," Crichton said absent-mindedly.

"They really are stupid," said Aeryn.

"Okay, guys, three rules," Crichton said to the crew, "first: Be back here in exactly three solar days.

Otherwise, we may leave without you. You know who I'm talking about, fluffy. Second: don't try to alter the course of events. We're in a movie-they'll just crash the ship into the iceberg anyway. And third: the ship will sink in a few hours, so be careful, okay? We can take the transport pod back up to Moya when the time comes. That said, have a good time."


next >

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.