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THE
ALTERNATE DIMENSIONS SERIES
Chapter
One
Disclaimer:
Okay, I never really got this. From my extensive fanfic reading
I have come to think that maybe it is mandatory to put a little
disclaimer at the top saying that you don't own the characters.
But I mean, isn't that OBVIOUS? Of COURSE you don't own the characters.
Okay, sorry, I'm ranting. So, this is just to say that this fanfic
is set in the middle of the fourth season, once Aeryn and Moya
Crichton are back together and all that. The only difference
is that I have left Jool out because I hate her. I am going to
pretend that everybody got so pissed off at her that they refreezed
her, or something.
Spoilers: Basically every episode. So if you haven't seen them
all (or don't have a best friend who loves nothing more than
to summarize each one in great detail), then, well.this won't
make a whole lot of sense.
THE
CORDHOLE
The Inevitable
Farscape-Titanic Crossover In Which The Crew Stumbles Upon a
Cord-Hole And Ends Up In An Alternate Universe Where Movies Are
Real.
It was a typical
day on Moya. Crichton and Aeryn were sitting on the terrace.
Crichton was working on some coloring books he bought at a commerce
planet, and Aeryn was cleaning her Pulse Pistol. Aeryn briefly
considered killing Crichton, but decided against it because he
looked so hot in his leather pants.
D'Argo was
wandering around aimlessly kicking DRDs.
Pilot was Piloting.
Moya was Moyaing.
Crais was Craising
on Talyn who was Talyning (Crais is not in any way involved in
this story; I just wanted to say "Craising").
Chiana was
doing nothing in particular.
Rygel was practicing
saying "I Am Rygel The Sixteenth, Dominar Of Hyneria".
Then, suddenly,
Crichton saw a wormhole off in the distance. "Oh my God,
Aeryn, look, it's a wormhole!" he exclaimed excitedly.
"So tell
Pilot" said Aeryn.
Crichton looked
very confused for a minute and then said "But, Aeryn, I
can't.'
"Why the
frell can't you?" Aeryn asked, annoyed.
"Well,
you see," Crichton began, "we never really established
what we were supposed to do with our coms. Everyone does something
else with them. Me, I tap mine insanely. But you kind of point
your head towards it and Crais just ignores his! I'm so confused!"
Crichton burst into tears.
"Oh, Gods,
I'll do it," Aeryn said angrily. At this point Aeryn was
thinking of testing her Pantac Jab on Crichton to see if she
was out of practice, but decided against it because he was so
very cute.
"Pilot,
do you see a wormhole up ahead?"
After approximately
four microts, Pilot said, "Yes, Moya's sensors are picking
up a wormhole. I suppose you want to go through it?"
Aeryn motioned
for Crichton to talk to pilot, but he was busy with his coloring
books, so she said,
"Yes,
I think Crichton would be interested in going through it. Just
a second. Let me check."
"Crichton,"
she said, "do you want to go through the wormhole?"
"Is the
Pope Catholic?"
Aeryn looked
at him strangely. "Is that another erp saying?"
"Let me
put it this way: Is Jool annoying?"
"Okay,
so I guess the answer is yes. But do you really want to go back
to earth that much? I mean, remember how the theme song changed
and now you just go 'My name is John Crichton-I'm lost--an astronaut-shot
through a wormhole-in some distant part of the universe. I'm
trying to stay alive. Aboard this ship-this living ship. Of escaped
prisoners-my friends. If you can hear me-beware. If I make it
back-will they follow? If I open the door. Are You Ready? Earth
Is unprepared-helpless-for the nightmares I have seen. Or should
I stay-and protect my home-and unsheltered new existence. But
then you will never know the wonders I have seen.' Instead of
in the first and second season's, when you just said, 'Help!
I'm on a ship! A living ship! With aliens on it!' See the difference?"
"Oh, yeah.'
Crichton said vaguely. "That was all Rockne's Idea."
"Oh,"
Said Aeryn, looking slightly hurt. "Pilot," she said
over her come, "yeah, go ahead."
With that,
Moya went into the wormhole, zipping through very quickly. It
lasted about 45 microts, and in the course of their wormhole
journey Pilot got quite a few frantic queries of "Pilot,
what the FRELL is going on???" and one, from D'Argo, which
said "Help! HELP!!! I CAN'T SWIM!!!!! HELLLLLLLPPPP!!"
After Crichton
and Aeryn finished making out (cordholes being the interstellar
aphrodisiac), and Pilot had explained to the rest of the crew
that they had just gone through a wormhole and explained to D'Argo
that he was, in fact, not drowning, Aeryn asked where they were.
"Wellll."
Pilot began, sounding less than sure about their whereabouts,
"Moya's sensors are picking up that what we just went through
was, in fact, not a wormhole at all".
"WELL
THEN WHAT THE FRELL WAS IT?!?!?!?" Everyone screamed into
their coms, Rygel being especially vocal, as he was less than
pleased to be interrupted when he was doing his exercises.
"You needn't
yell," Pilot sniffed, "or I won't even bother telling
you."
"We're
sorry, Pilot, please tell us." Chi said smarmily.
"Yes,
Pilot, please." Said Aeryn, who is always nice to Pilot
for no conceivable reason.
"All right,
fine,' Pilot began, "It seems that we just went through
something known as a cordhole. I'm not exactly sure, but it seems
that they are very similar to wormholes, except that they take
you to different dimensions, rather than different parts of the
universe."
"Why did
I think that I was drowning?" D'Argo demanded.
"Well,"
Pilot began, "apparently, cordholes more often than not
have very strange effects on Luxans. You will probably continue
acting strange for the next few arns."
"Oh,"
said D'Argo, and then went off to have a tea party.
By this point,
everyone (except D'Argo) had gone up to the terrace to look at
the pretty dimension.
"Pilot,
do you have any idea what dimension we're in?"
"No. I
have no way of telling."
Suddenly, Chi
saw a big yellow sign floating up ahead. "Well, that may
be a way of figuring out." She said, pointing at the sign.
"Can anyone understand that?" (Sorry, fanficcers-fanficers?
fanfickers?--but I was never quite clear on whether translator
microbes worked only for speech.)
"Oh, my
God," Crichton said, "That's English."
"Oh, Gods,
Crichton," Aeryn said, exasperated, "why don't we just
skip the bit where you go all insane this time, okay? Remember
'Self Inflicted Wounds'? Or maybe 'A Human Reaction'? This never
turns out well. Besides, we've already established that this
is an alternate dimension."
"Fine,"
said Crichton, "I'll just read it. Okay. It says: "You
have just entered the twenty-first dimension, also known as The
Dimension Where Movies Are Real'. Huh. I explained to you guys
what movies are, right?'
Everyone nodded
in assent, except for Rygel, who was still slightly miffed.
"Oh my
God, that's Earth!" Crichton began, but he only got as far
as "Oh my Go-" Before Aeryn, who figured out what he
was about to say before he even said it, decided that it was
wisest to try out her Pantac Jab after all.
"Well
then," began Rygel, "why the Hezmana are we staying
here?"
"Because,
the cordhole will not reappear for approximately three solar
days. We will have to wait until then." Said Pilot.
"Well
then," said Chi, "Why don't we go down and investigate.'
At this point
Crichton had woken up, although he was still a bit groggy. "Wunnerful
idea," he shouted, "let's go ingestivate."
"Crichton,
I don't think-" began Aeryn.
"Don't
be stupid! I fell fust jine!"
"Say that
again."
"I feel
fine. No more Pantac Jabs, okay Babycakes? And as for you, Buckwheat,"
he said, picking up Rygel, "you're coming with us. You can
practice on the way."
"Fine,'
said Rygel, a sinister look crossing his face (that really doesn't
mean anything. As you may have noticed, Rygel looks somewhat
sinister whenever he doesn't get what he wants).
"So let's
all take a transport pod down," said Aeryn.
"Wait
a microt," interrupted Chiana, "Where's D'Argo?"
"Dunno.
Can you look in his quarters, Chi?" Crichton asked sweetly.
Chiana, who was at the moment transfixed by his biceps, nodded
like a zombie and went to get him. Of course, by the time she
got halfway to his quarters she had become untransfixed and was
muttering "dren" a whole lot, like the Chi we know
and love.
When Chiana
got to D'Argo's quarters, she found him meditating naked. Since
this was nothing new to her, she just said, "What's new,
D'Argo?"
He immediately
woke up and said, "Ah, Chiana. Welcome to my quarters. I
am Pa'u Ka D'Argo. Make yourself at home. While you are here,
would you like to join me in an ancient delvian chant?"
"Um, Pilot?"
Chi said into her com, "D'Argo thinks he's a Delvian Priest.
Is there anything we can do?"
"I'm afraid
not," said Pilot, "As I've said, it will wear off in
a few arns. Until then there is nothing we can do."
"Okayyyyy."
said Chi, wondering how she would deal with a naked D'Argo.
"Okay,
D'Argo?" she began, "we're all going down in a transport
pod and we were wondering if you would like to come, once you
get your clothes on."
"Ah, yes,
I would love to. I will be up in a microt, Chiana." D'Argo
said serenely.
"Okay.
Bye." Chiana said, backing out of the room.
"You will
never believe what happened," said Chi, once she was up
on the terrace.
"What?"
said Rygel, "some idiot took us into an alternate dimension
that we can't get out of for three solar days? I can believe
that."
"Noooo."
said Chi, "D'Argo thinks he's a Delvian priest."
"Really?"
said Aeryn, perking up, "that'll be interesting."
"Boy,
I wish Bluey was here,' Crichton said wistfully.
"Why?"
Asked Aeryn.
"Oh, you
know." said Crichton, "She would say things about the
Goddess and all that. I guess itdidn't really help, but, it made
sense of it, sort of."
"Well,
you'll have D'Argo for that now," said Chiana.
Once they were
on the transport pod, it didn't take very long to get to the
alternate dimension earth.
D'Argo seemed
to have stopped thinking that he was a Delvian priest, but the
crew still had their doubts that he was fully recovered.
Once they got
there, they landed the transport pod on a large, gray ship.
"So, do
you know what this is?" asked Aeryn.
"Hmm.
oh, yeah! This is the Titanic, and I have feeling that right
now we're in a movie that was made about it a few cycles ago."
"Did you
see it?"
"Yeah,
with my girlfriend. It was about a girl named Rose and a guy
named Jack who.did stuff. And then the boat sank and he died,
so she cried about it for the next seventy cycles."
"She sounds
pretty stupid," Aeryn said.
"Yeah,
well." Crichton said slowly, "Movie humans are usually
much more stupid than regular humans."
'I find it
very hard to imagine anyone being more stupid than you, Crichton,"
Aeryn said, smiling.
"By the
way, shouldn't they be noticing sometime soon that a transport
pod landed on their ship?"
"Nah,
this kind of thing happens all the time in movies," Crichton
said absent-mindedly.
"They
really are stupid," said Aeryn.
"Okay,
guys, three rules," Crichton said to the crew, "first:
Be back here in exactly three solar days.
Otherwise,
we may leave without you. You know who I'm talking about, fluffy.
Second: don't try to alter the course of events. We're in a movie-they'll
just crash the ship into the iceberg anyway. And third: the ship
will sink in a few hours, so be careful, okay? We can take the
transport pod back up to Moya when the time comes. That said,
have a good time."
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