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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



06 August 2002

03 July 2002

01 June 2002

21 March 2002

14 March 2002

1 March 2002

12 May 2002

6th August 2002

The eagerly awaited autobiography from Ben Browder, 'I Like Bunnies', has had it's release date put back yet again after several excerpts were leaked to Australian tabloid 'The Sydney Bastard'. In the excerpts, Browder speaks frankly of his tumultuous relationship with the other Farscape actors, particularly Claudia Black, whom he describes as, "...a vindictive and smelly person with small breasts and a regular facial shaving regime." Miss Black's lawyers immediately launched an injunction. Mr. Browder issued a statement through his greengrocer, in which he claims there is a conspiracy afoot to stifle his literary genius.


Plans are afoot to move the Farscape studios to Iraq. David Kemper, renowned for his cost-cutting zeal, was photographed with Iraqi Entertainment Minister, Bob Hope at a recent bathroom tile symposium in California. The details are sketchy at present, but our source close to Kemper say the deal is virtually concluded. In exchange for the use of Baghdad's famous Paratroopermount Studios and unlimited access to the various filming locations throughout the country, Kemper has agreed to give Iraq the three Chechnyan suitcase atomic bombs he won in last year's Farscape Christmas raffle.


Farscape Nights, a late-night version of the show is in the final stages of pre-production and execs expect shooting to commence in a matter of months. So far, only Ben Browder has been confirmed to appear.


The Emmy nominations are out. Farscape recieved a record 89 nominations and is expected to sweep the board.


Raelee Hill has confessed to a New Zealand women's magazine that since she began working on Farscape, she has found her life changing immeasurably. She said, "I thought it would be pretty much the same, but since they started showing the fourth season in America, I have been getting through four rolls of toilet paper a week, whereas before it was never more than three."

3rd July 2002

The Pope has cited Farscape as his his favourite TV programme. In an article in The Vatican Sport, he said, ' I particularly enjoy the character Chiana. She is most luscious, and has a pair of wondrous knockers'. Vatican officials are claiming His Holiness was misquoted.


Sci fi magazine has recently completed it's survey on who watches Farscape. The results make fascinating reading:


WHO WATCHES FARSCAPE? [Sample size: 8000, Error margin: ±100%]

35% - Women under 25

22% - Women between 26-40

15% - Men between 25-40

10% - Belgians

07% - Women over 40

04% - Men under 25

03% - Sheep dogs

02% - Men over 40

01% - Men with perms

01% - Esther Rantzen


Paul Goddard is due to release his eagerly awaited first novel, 'The Duality of Ducks: A Man of Sin'. Is expected in book stores at the end of July, and can be pre-ordered online. The book itself is about a cat that likes cheese. Apparently.


An online petition has been set up by angry Farscape viewers demanding the end to Johnny and beards being combined on screen. The petition stands at some 31 billion and seven as of last count. Go vote!


A new feature now. Claude has been making a diary. He works behind the scenes at Homebush, and now we too are privy to his inside gossip.

'Tuesday: Got up. Had this great dream about Gigi. Had a shower. Went to work. Claudia was storming about the set because someone had pinched her curling tongs. Kemper was there, as well. He had a new hairdo. Shot some scenes. Had lunch. Had a hotdog. Went back to work. Was great, because Ben said 'wank' instead of 'want'! How we laughed! Went home. Played with gun. Went to bed.'

OK! Thanks Claude. We'll call you.


News on the Farscape movie. The movie is already running over budget and shooting hasn't even started yet. Is a difficuly situations, and Kemper is once again investigating the possibility of sacking the whole cast and hiring new actors, who don't get as paid as much. He said to us yesterday: "I'm never sure how the fans will react. They could hate me for it. I'd be taking a big risk, but if it saves money? Sometimes you just have a gut instinct for these things. Is like with Jeremiah Crichton, they all said 'No, David! You can't have a beard in it!'. But how wrong they were, and how closely the fans have taken this episode to their hearts."



01 June 2002

Anth Simcoe went missing for six days last week when he inadvisably consumed seventeen pints of Kemper's very own brand vodka. The moonshine, which was declared a hazardous material by government health officials, was being stored in Kemper's trailer, and was discovered by Anth when he was looking for a quiet place to help a female guest star on the episode they were filming, 'with her lines'. Anth was found by a Tasmania fisherman, floating on an upturned piano in the Tasman sea. Anth has yet to make any comments on the matter, but worry not, Crackers Matter will surely find out why exactly he was dressed in the tutu.


Construction on the Farscape theme park, Kemperworld, has been halted in Florida, USA after it was alleged by the Disney corporation that it's Peacekeepers of the Caribbean ride infringed on various copyrights.


Claudia Black is denying claims by a Sydney tabloid that she was once a member of a militant Cambodian death squad. Miss Black said of the claims, "How bloody stupid is that?" Co-star Ben Browder, has also denied that he is, in fact, the source of these allegations. In a statement, Browder said, "I have never made any such accusations, and if I were to have made such accusations, they would, of course, have been false. Just because Claudia's militant Cambodian past is shrouded in mystery, does not automatically mean she was a member of a death squad. I mean, she could have been working at Kentucky Fried Chicken or something. Though, it would have been a miltant branch, I imagine. And she probably enjoyed making the 'chickens' dead, if you know what I mean? <at this point Browder is said to have winked a number of times>" Lawyers for Miss Black say she is considering taking legal action against the newspaper, and extreme physical action against Mr. Browder.


Ginny Hey has been spotted on the Farscape set this week, though rumours of a return were immediately scotched when it became apparent she was only there in the capacity of her new job, pizza delivery girl.


Finally, here at Crackers Matter we have recieved an anonymous letter. We make no claims of it's authenticity, but feel it is only fair that we share it with our public. It arrived at our offices inside an official Farscape envelope. Here is a scanned copy of said letter:

Our handwriting experts say that it was most likely written by a small child or a talented chimapanzee. Hmmmm? How odd.

12 May 2002

With the Season 4 premiere rapidly approaching, there has been frantic activity at Homebush as filming fell weeks behind schedule due to a series of bizarre bottom disorders afflicting star Ben Browder. As a last resort David Kemper has called in renowned Indian arse doctor Ramesh Prabakhar. Dr. Prabakher has helped many of the world's most famous movie stars, including George Clooney, Ben Affleck and Luke Perry with their anal discomforts. His preliminary examinations suggest that Browder's problems may well be related to his diet, and immediately ordered him to stop eating wood.

Religion has struck the crew of Farscape after talismanic camera operator Jimmy Hootz introduced some of his colleagues to Claudiaism, a bizarre cult that began in Sydney earlier in the year, and involves utter devotion to Claudia Black. Miss Black has denied reports that it was, in fact, she who started the cult, saying 'if men want to adore me with complete devotion, are you really surprised?' Recruits include Rockne O'Bannon and Paul Goddard, and even Ben Browder has admitted to the occasional dabble in Claudiaism.

The deluxe edition of the new Farscape 3.2 DVD is to be recalled, after the discovery of a so-called 'easter egg', i.e hidden footage on the DVD. These are fairly common place, but it appears the intended 'egg', a behind the scenes look at a script meeting was accidentally replaced by footage from one of Anth Simcoe's private home videos.

With the upcoming world cup, there was amazement on the set this week when Cameroon announced David Franklin in their squad. Franklin whose grandmother once ate an apple from Cameroon, was allowed into their squad via the little known FIFA 'Fruit and Nationality' clause. Since his call-up, football officials have been working around the clock to close the loophole, but Franklin will be going to the world cup. Franklin said, 'I am, of course, delighted to be selected. It was a complete surprise, but I will do my utmost to uphold the honour of Paraguay.'

Finally, Gigi Edgley has decided on her new name. Following a massive campaign on her website (so massive, it had to be closed down due to excessive traffic), she settled on Mindy Goodheart. She politely declined Dyl's offer of marriage, stating, 'I don't marry ugly perverts.' <Please insert appropriate Ben Browder joke>

21 March 2002

What has happened to Tammy McIntosh? That's the question Farscape cast and crew are asking this week. The answer? She's gone to Bermuda. It's her holidays.

Lani Tupu is to front a new television advertising campaign in Australia for Fudgy Bird's Beard Styling Mousse. He is reportedly getting a three-figure salary for the series of six ads. They will feature him of Commander Grapes of the starblitzer Mona. In related news, Tupu has apparently had his beard insured for ten pounds.

Great Scott! A whale! Thus went the cry from the unfortunate cast members on the hugely expensive outdoor shoot at the Arctic. Purportedly, this footage is for the  season four finale. Ben will not be appearing on these episodes, as the ice sheet in question belongs to Norway, and Ben is banned from Norwegian soil following the unpleasant incidents involving their national animal Spiffo the pig.

Claudia Black is said to be keen on British celebrity cook Jamie Oliver. The Aussie beauty spent much of her free time away from Farscape in London, where she got to meet the cheeky chappie in person. Friends of Claudia exclusively revealed to us that Claudia said, "I wouldn't mind fucking him!" with a gleeful, sordid sparkle in her eyes.

Paul Goddard has cancelled his planned tour of Australia with the Sydney Mime Troupe, after David Kemper threatened to blow up the world in an elaborate, but fatally flawed plan involving hollowed out volcanoes, guerilla fighters, satellites and lego. Sadly, one of the guerillas was actually a mime artist in disguise, and he sort of screwed everything up. Plus, Kemper's first girlfriend left him for a mime artist. And there was that time when he was six when he was savaged by a rabid mime artist.

14 March 2002

Following on from last weeks Hasselfhoff rumours, Crackers Matter can reveal that Lani has utilised his underworld connections to put a contract out on the Knight Rider star's life. We all hail him!

Wayne Pygram is to recieve a Nobel Prize. The star who plays the villainous Scorpius in the show, is to recieve the honour in the new category of 'Services to the Milk Industry'.

Gigi Edgley has to change her name, after it was revealed that a little known  American actress shared her moniker. Gigi is hosting a competition on her official site in which the fans can pick her new name. Crackers Matter would like to suggest a more simple method. If she were in fact to marry Dyl she could take his surname, and there would be no further problems.

Work was halted on Season 4 when Jon Hardy's pet anaconda  Boomer escaped from his trailer and  ate two lighting technicians, resulting in the crew refusing to work until Boomer was recaptured. Fortunately, Claudia spent much of her childhood in a travelling circus and learned amongst other things, the ancient art of 'biffing reptiles over the head with a big stick'. In honour of the two eaten technicians, the epsiode to be filmed that day, 4.15 will be renamed 'Into the Light'.


1 March 2002

Filming on Season 4 continues apace. Please see SPOILERS for interesting plot developments. News out of Sydney is that Ben turned up for the first day of shooting, sporting the fake beard from Jeremiah Crichton. This is yet another example of Ben's creeping senility. Owing to his advancing years, Ben has grown gradually more eccentric, and now insists on his trailer being intensively scrubbed and decontaminated during filming, as he has a terrible fear of germs and coffee stains. Further evidence of his decline, comes from a recent interview with The Iowa Corn. Ben stated that he felt his character needed to develop his feminine side in Season 4. "The scenes where I cry, are always my favourite," said Ben. "I like crying. It's very cathartic, and the chicks really dig it. When they see a man cry, it's like 'hey! he's a human being like us!' I'm kinda hoping they'll let me wear a dress or two, but we'll have to wait and see. I have bought some just in case. There's this really sexy off-the-shoulder number I picked up at Maceys." Ben, still embroiled in the Thai ladyboy scandal from the Farscape Christmas party, has been taken aside by supremo David Kemper and warned that if his behaviour does not improve quickly, they plan to replace him. Replacements? David Hasselhoff rears his ugly head again. I'm afraid these Hasselhoff rumours just won't go away. They're was a photo in last month's edition of the German music magazine 'Glockenspiel. Ja!' of him and Claudia Black leaving a swanky Berlin nightclub together, and our man in Hollywood says Hasselhoff has been seen pitching his new 'Baywatch in Space' to studio execs. So watch this space.

Gigi Edgley has been voted 'Sexiest TV Star' in a recent pole of farmworkers in Australian magazine 'Aussie Farmboys Wives'. Gigi, who comes from a family of watermelon farmers herself, has always been a favourite with the farming community, ever since her appearance, as a child, in hit soil cultivation show, 'How Does my Outback Grow'. Gigi is said to be honoured, and her agent Biff Stiffner released a short statement in which Gigi, once again, declared her support for the 'Farmers Who Cross-Dress' campaign.

Party king Anthony Simcoe is in trouble with the Gendarme again. The jovial star is well known throughout the Paris social scene for his outrageous party antics, and beguiling personality. Recently, Anth has taken to bringing wanted war criminals with him to parties and holding impromptu war trials. The police raided one such party when it became clear that Anth's actions violated several city fire regulations.

Jonathan Hardy, the voice of Rygel, buoyed by his recent appearance in hit film Moulin Rouge is in talks with producers over the possibility of him replacing Pierce Brosnan in the next Bond film. Farscape execs are so sure that Hardy will take the part, that they have begun interviewing possible replacements. Those in the frame are a closely guarded secret, but many of our intrepid 'newshunters' died to bring us this one piece of information. Apparently, Bobcat Goldthwaite was seen at the Kemper mansion recently, and he and Kemper were spotted sharing frothy milkshakes, while Goldthwaite signed a piece of paper. Is this a sign? We don't know? Do you?



DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.