Established: 03 March 2002

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Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as would pictures of wives and girlfriends naked. Submissions? Anything really. Click on the smiley face!

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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.




Each month, or so, Farscape head-honcho and World's Strongest Beaver Farmer 1985, David Penelope Kemper will share his thoughts on a wide range of topics here, exclusively, at Crackers Matter.



I wish my second contribution could come at a better time. As you can imagine, things around here are very bleak at the moment. When I first heard about the cancellation I was so shocked I forgot to wear pants for three whole days. Over the past five years I have grown to love this wonderful little show. I have made so many friends, and executed so many enemies. I don't really know what I'm going to do with myself now. My whole life revolved around Farscape, and the thought of working on anything else (excluding 'The West Wing' or 'Six Feet Under' - resume in the post) fills me with an unutterable dread.

The end of season party was a muted affair, save for Ben's speech. He spoke with rare dignity, and when he had finished there was not a dry eye in the place. Just like Ben to douse us all with tear gas. How I'll miss him.

Seeing how the fans have responded has left me and the rest of the team in shock. We knew you were the best fans in the world, but we never expected anything like this. Thank you especially to those of you who've contributed to the Kemper Off-Shore Holdings Fund. I can nearly buy a boat now.

Thank you all, once again. Keep fighting the good fight, and as my mother always used to say, 'Stop playing with yourself, David!'

Love you all!


MAY 2002

Hi, I'm David Kemper. When Crackers Matter asked me to contribute to this fine website, I leapt at the chance. I have much to say, and nowhere to say it. So feel my wisdom!



I was saddened to hear of the passing of this fine woman. I mourn with you Britain. But she shall live on, as I shall let you into a little secret. Rygel. The Queen Mum. Do you see?


I like sandwiches. My favourite is cheese.


I was disappointed to see so much of Claudia's fine work end up on the cutting room floor. She is a hugely talented actress, and deserves much success. Fortunately, due to only having like two lines, her contract negotiations were considerably less fraught than I feared they would be, though we have had to put up with her moping about the set like a big baby ever since.


It's a bit silly really.


Living and working in Australia, I have come to know much of this Aussie temptress. She does indeed have a fine ass, but I also find her music both uplifting and tuneful. We have tried, unsuccessfully so far, to get her to appear in Farscape. Instead we managed to get Dannii. Oh, sorry.


I am horrified by Australia's hard line stance on illegal immigrants. How the bloody hell else am I going to get fifty low-paid workers willing to work long hours in dangerous conditions?! It is a disgusting abuse of human rights!


Thank you! Come again!

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.