of Being Calvin (2)
Once upon a
time there was young boy named Crichton. He grew up with his
dad and his best friend DK, who was rather hot. Crichton himself
wasn't too hard on the eyes, but we'll get to that later. Anyway,
Crichton's dad was an astronaut, and so Crichton wanted to be
one too. So he and DK built a really neat little shuttle they
called Farscape 1. Then Crichton went out to fly Farscape 1,
and accidentally got hit by some solar flares and tossed into
a wormhole, or something like that. On his way out the other
end of the wormhole, he crashed into another ship, and killed
the driver. Don't drink and flyshuttles, kids; bad things happen
when you do. So the brother of the man who Crichton killed, Captain
Crais, picked Crichton up and was all ready to kill him, when
suddenly the amazing Aeryn Sun came to his rescue! She burst
in, plasma rifles blazing, and carried him off to her spaceship,
where he met her cool friends, D'Argo and Zhaan. Oh yeah, and
Rygel was there too. So they went gallivanting around the galaxy,
doing good deeds and running away from Crais, who still thought
he was the prettiest PK around.
in the mess hall one day, sadly gnawing on his food cubes, when
he felt the ship move in an odd fashion. "Pilot," he
called, "is it me, or did the ship just move in an odd fashion?"
just you," Pilot replied. But Crichton didn't believe him,
and went off in search of his friend D'Argo.
He found D'Argo
in the corridor outside Seattle (Seattle? Where did that come
from?), er, Command, staring at a DRD and muttering obscenities
that Crichton's translator microbes didn't want to deal with.
"D'Argo," Crichton asked, "Did you just feel the
ship move in an odd fashion?"
D'Argo snarled in what seemed to the human to be a very impolite
manner. Crichton decided to leave the luxan alone with his new
mechanical friend, and beat a hasty retreat.
into Command to find another of his friends, Rygel. The hynerian
was floating in his chair and studying the control panel with
great scrutiny. Crichton thought maybe Rygel would know what
was going on, "Hey Rygel," Crichton asked, "did
you just feel the ship move in an odd fashion?"
not for your petty concerns," replied the Dominar with a
sniff. "I am much too busy and important to waste my time
on your little problems. Now go away."
answers that question, thank you," grumbled Crichton as
he wandered away. He moved down the corridor in search of his
other friend, Zhaan.
After a lengthy
search, he finally found Zhaan in her quarters. "Zhaan,
did you" he began, before he realized his blue companion
was meditating. As usual for the delvian, she meditated sans
clothing. "I'll come back later," Crichton mumbled,
came upon his hero Aeryn in the cargo bay. She was tinkering
with her Prowler, and didn't hear him come in. As a result, Crichton
was well on his way to invading her personal space by the time
she noticed he was there. "Aeryn," he murmured seductively,
"have you noticed" but that was as far as he got before
she elbowed him in the ribs.
in my way again, Crichton," she growled warningly.
Sorry," he backed off. "But really, have you noticed
the ship move in an odd fashion recently?"
at him quizzically. "Is this another Erp saying? Because
I have no idea what you're talking about."
It just wasn't his day. "I guess I'll go back to Seattle,
er, Command for a while," he mumbled. Seattle? Where did
that come from?
But he never
made it to Seattle, er, Command, because all of a sudden Pilot
came over the com and announced, "Emergency! There is a
Peacekeeper vessel approaching! We cannot starburst away in time.
We will be boarded."
considered becoming a delvian priest, because then maybe he could
get away from those frelling Peacekeepers for good, but decided
against it because he didn't want to be blue. He dashed to the
cargo bay to find Aeryn, in hopes that she would once again have
a plan to save him. She did. "Crichton, run!" she yelled,
hoping that for once his inferior human brain would process the
command. Crichton ran.
for him, but not surprising to the rest of the universe, he ran
the wrong way. Right into Crais and his PK henchmen. "Oh
ho ho," chortled Crais, "thar she blows!"
looked at him. "Who? What? Where?" they asked confusedly.
hurried Crais, "I am the prettiest PK captain around, and
I order you to arrest that man! Buwahahaha!" Glad to finally
understand something their captain was saying, the henchmen complied.
Crichton, being the almost total wuss that he is, didn't put
up a fight. Instead he just kinda stood there, looking cute and
rescue-worthy. Hoping that Aeryn would come along and save
Which, of course,
she did. She dashed around the corner, plasma rifles blazing
once again, just as Crais was about to perform Peacekeeper Tickle
Torture on Crichton. "Aww, Aeryn, did ya have to get here
so fast?" muttered Crichton. Then he looked up to see everyone
staring at him with looks of disgust. "I mean, yay! My hero!"
Aeryn just shook her head and sighed.
his attention back to Aeryn. "You won't have him THIS time,
Sun! Buwahahah!" He turned to his henchmen. "Who's
the prettiest PK captain around?"
recognizing their cue, all chanted, "It's you! It's you!"
right!" Crais agreed. "It's me! It's me!" and
he did a little Pretty Dance right there in the corridor.
Aeryn was at
once disgusted and fascinated. She shook her head and said, "No!
I won't let you have him! He may be a wuss and idiot most of
the time, but he's way too cute to let you have him! Besides,"
she continued in a reasonable tone, "if you take him, where
am I gonna get more Calvins to sleep in?"
a point," Crais agreed grudgingly. "Very well. I'll
let you have him THIS time but I'll need a darn good excuse next
time, or he's MINE! BUWAHAHAHA!" And Crais swept down the
corridor in his imaginary cape, his henchmen marching behind
him singing "The Crais Song" (which is a rather bad
song, actually. Crais made it up himself. The words are mostly,
"Who's pretty? Me!" repeated over and over, and the
melody just isn't good at all).
yelled Crichton. "You saved me! Again!" and tried to
throw himself into her arms. But Aeryn stepped back and let him
fall to the floor in an ungraceful heap.
well, I really like stealing your clothes," she explained.
Then she wandered off down the corridor to clean her plasma rifles.
What a day!
Crichton thought as he made his way back to Seattle, er, Command.
First that weird movement, then Crais came and left and I didn't
even get hurt! I wonder what tomorrow will bring
yelled Aeryn. "What chapter 2? There is no chapter 2! We
finished the story in the first chapter!"
Sorry," said Corde.
a minute, what about that weird movement?" wondered Crichton.
was just you being stupid, jackass," said the author. "Hey,
can I say that?"
confirmed Aeryn, "it's PG-13."
said Corde. "Crichton, you're a jackass." She looked
at Aeryn and grinned. On cue, they both shouted, "But we
love you anyway!" and jumped on him.