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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



The Importance of Being Calvin (2)




Once upon a time there was young boy named Crichton. He grew up with his dad and his best friend DK, who was rather hot. Crichton himself wasn't too hard on the eyes, but we'll get to that later. Anyway, Crichton's dad was an astronaut, and so Crichton wanted to be one too. So he and DK built a really neat little shuttle they called Farscape 1. Then Crichton went out to fly Farscape 1, and accidentally got hit by some solar flares and tossed into a wormhole, or something like that. On his way out the other end of the wormhole, he crashed into another ship, and killed the driver. Don't drink and flyshuttles, kids; bad things happen when you do. So the brother of the man who Crichton killed, Captain Crais, picked Crichton up and was all ready to kill him, when suddenly the amazing Aeryn Sun came to his rescue! She burst in, plasma rifles blazing, and carried him off to her spaceship, where he met her cool friends, D'Argo and Zhaan. Oh yeah, and Rygel was there too. So they went gallivanting around the galaxy, doing good deeds and running away from Crais, who still thought he was the prettiest PK around.


Chapter 1

Crichton was in the mess hall one day, sadly gnawing on his food cubes, when he felt the ship move in an odd fashion. "Pilot," he called, "is it me, or did the ship just move in an odd fashion?"


"It's just you," Pilot replied. But Crichton didn't believe him, and went off in search of his friend D'Argo.


He found D'Argo in the corridor outside Seattle (Seattle? Where did that come from?), er, Command, staring at a DRD and muttering obscenities that Crichton's translator microbes didn't want to deal with. "D'Argo," Crichton asked, "Did you just feel the ship move in an odd fashion?"


"NO!" D'Argo snarled in what seemed to the human to be a very impolite manner. Crichton decided to leave the luxan alone with his new mechanical friend, and beat a hasty retreat.


Crichton went into Command to find another of his friends, Rygel. The hynerian was floating in his chair and studying the control panel with great scrutiny. Crichton thought maybe Rygel would know what was going on, "Hey Rygel," Crichton asked, "did you just feel the ship move in an odd fashion?"


"I care not for your petty concerns," replied the Dominar with a sniff. "I am much too busy and important to waste my time on your little problems. Now go away."


"That answers that question, thank you," grumbled Crichton as he wandered away. He moved down the corridor in search of his other friend, Zhaan.


After a lengthy search, he finally found Zhaan in her quarters. "Zhaan, did you" he began, before he realized his blue companion was meditating. As usual for the delvian, she meditated sans clothing. "I'll come back later," Crichton mumbled, scampering away.


He finally came upon his hero Aeryn in the cargo bay. She was tinkering with her Prowler, and didn't hear him come in. As a result, Crichton was well on his way to invading her personal space by the time she noticed he was there. "Aeryn," he murmured seductively, "have you noticed" but that was as far as he got before she elbowed him in the ribs.


"You're in my way again, Crichton," she growled warningly.


"Right! Sorry," he backed off. "But really, have you noticed the ship move in an odd fashion recently?"


Aeryn looked at him quizzically. "Is this another Erp saying? Because I have no idea what you're talking about."


Crichton sighed. It just wasn't his day. "I guess I'll go back to Seattle, er, Command for a while," he mumbled. Seattle? Where did that come from?


But he never made it to Seattle, er, Command, because all of a sudden Pilot came over the com and announced, "Emergency! There is a Peacekeeper vessel approaching! We cannot starburst away in time. We will be boarded."


Crichton briefly considered becoming a delvian priest, because then maybe he could get away from those frelling Peacekeepers for good, but decided against it because he didn't want to be blue. He dashed to the cargo bay to find Aeryn, in hopes that she would once again have a plan to save him. She did. "Crichton, run!" she yelled, hoping that for once his inferior human brain would process the command. Crichton ran.


Unfortunately for him, but not surprising to the rest of the universe, he ran the wrong way. Right into Crais and his PK henchmen. "Oh ho ho," chortled Crais, "thar she blows!"


Crais' men looked at him. "Who? What? Where?" they asked confusedly.


"Nevermind," hurried Crais, "I am the prettiest PK captain around, and I order you to arrest that man! Buwahahaha!" Glad to finally understand something their captain was saying, the henchmen complied. Crichton, being the almost total wuss that he is, didn't put up a fight. Instead he just kinda stood there, looking cute and rescue-worthy.  Hoping that Aeryn would come along and save him.


Which, of course, she did. She dashed around the corner, plasma rifles blazing once again, just as Crais was about to perform Peacekeeper Tickle Torture on Crichton. "Aww, Aeryn, did ya have to get here so fast?" muttered Crichton. Then he looked up to see everyone staring at him with looks of disgust. "I mean, yay! My hero!" Aeryn just shook her head and sighed.


Crais turned his attention back to Aeryn. "You won't have him THIS time, Sun! Buwahahah!" He turned to his henchmen. "Who's the prettiest PK captain around?"


His henchmen, recognizing their cue, all chanted, "It's you! It's you!"


"That's right!" Crais agreed. "It's me! It's me!" and he did a little Pretty Dance right there in the corridor.


Aeryn was at once disgusted and fascinated. She shook her head and said, "No! I won't let you have him! He may be a wuss and idiot most of the time, but he's way too cute to let you have him! Besides," she continued in a reasonable tone, "if you take him, where am I gonna get more Calvins to sleep in?"


"You have a point," Crais agreed grudgingly. "Very well. I'll let you have him THIS time but I'll need a darn good excuse next time, or he's MINE! BUWAHAHAHA!" And Crais swept down the corridor in his imaginary cape, his henchmen marching behind him singing "The Crais Song" (which is a rather bad song, actually. Crais made it up himself. The words are mostly, "Who's pretty? Me!" repeated over and over, and the melody just isn't good at all).


"Aeryn!" yelled Crichton. "You saved me! Again!" and tried to throw himself into her arms. But Aeryn stepped back and let him fall to the floor in an ungraceful heap.


"Yeah, well, I really like stealing your clothes," she explained. Then she wandered off down the corridor to clean her plasma rifles.


What a day! Crichton thought as he made his way back to Seattle, er, Command. First that weird movement, then Crais came and left and I didn't even get hurt! I wonder what tomorrow will bring


The End


Chapter 2

"What?!?" yelled Aeryn. "What chapter 2? There is no chapter 2! We finished the story in the first chapter!"


"Oh, right. Sorry," said Corde.


"Wait a minute, what about that weird movement?" wondered Crichton.


"Um, that was just you being stupid, jackass," said the author. "Hey, can I say that?"


"Yeah," confirmed Aeryn, "it's PG-13."


"Good," said Corde. "Crichton, you're a jackass." She looked at Aeryn and grinned. On cue, they both shouted, "But we love you anyway!" and jumped on him.


The End.


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DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.