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Yet Another Silly Line Uttered By Crais As Told To Kathe, Or By Kathe Putting Words In Crais' Mouth, Or Something Like That Which I'm Not Too Sure Of Because It's Late And I Was Up Late Last Night Watching Farscape, Yay(16)

So this one just happened because I saw Kathe's line about Crais' skirt, and you know what happens when Kathe says something funny about Crais, whoops, a Cordefic is born. That's how I got my start, 15 fics ago, with a little ditty called "The Importance of Being Calvin." I'm still not sure if "Calvin" is singular or plural. This is somewhat of a milestone for me, and I'd like to thank you all for taking this strange journey with me. Now that you're all asleep, I can start the fic and you won't throw rocks. Thanks, Kathe, you're the greatest. Maybe if I say that, she won't remember that I didn't wait for her permission to use her line. Oops.


Chapter 1


Corde slumped at her keyboard and sighed. "I must be nuts," she said. "Trying to write Cordefic the day after an episode like THAT."


Aeryn patted her on the back. "Not as nuts as the whackos on the X-Files boards who posted the night before the movie came out."


"Yeah, but at least their fic was GOOD," Corde said. "Hey, wait a minute, who are you? My Aeryn isn't supportive and comforting. I've never seen an Aeryn who was supportive and comforting. What's going on here?"


"Oh shoot," said Saikra, Anthony's ex-muse. "You found me out. Darn, Anthony will be displeased."


"Why do you care? You left him and ran off to go shopping with Bongo. Using MY checkbook, I might add," Corde accused.




"Whoa, we've never had one of these before. How does it work?" Corde asked.


Saikra slapped her upside the head. "Don't you know anything? You get either the wobble effect or the mist effect, with a sorta voice-over thingy. Duh."


Corde looked at her, impressed. "Now you're starting to act like Aeryn."


*wobble effect, with a voice-over*


Corde: It was many years ago no wait, it was Tuesday. Yeah, okay, last Tuesday I was hanging out at the FaDoP board


*cut 'n' paste* (Is it copyright infringement if you quote yourself from another place? I don't care; I'm not going to sue myself. If I do, I'll settle out of court and give myself $0.25 and a Vorkosigan book.) (Did you know there is no cent symbol on the keyboard? I can't find it.)


Okay, so I'm going to a formal dance in a few weeks, and I'm trying to find a dress to wear, okay? So I go to open my closet, and it's rusted closed. Hey, I don't go into my closet all that much, I wear jeans and stuff.

So I had to hunt down a crowbar, and let me tell you, it was a chore! Those crows don't like to give up their bars. So for future reference, never try to open your closet during Happy Hour. So I finally got a crowbar, finished off the Jack Daniels the crows had left, and went at my closet door.

Twenty minutes later the closet was still closed, and the crowbar was SMIRKING at me. I decided it was time to call in the big guns, so I went after my 300lb ex-football player fraternity president philosophy major brother. He grumbled a lot, but I reminded him of his tattoos that I know about and our parents don't and he caved.

So he came into my room, grunted, took a stance and GLARED at the closet. The closet door then did the logical thing and died. My brother lumbered off (presumably in search of beer) and I was able to move the corpse of the closet door over enough to get to my *ahem* dress (yes, that's dress, singular, I had to wear it to my cousin's wedding three years ago, it's horrid and will NOT fit, but it's the only one I have). And what do you think I saw?
BONGO! He was wearing my dress and PRANCING around in my heels! Dear friends, this was a shock to say the least. I confess that I am ashamed of my muse. My dress is MAROON VELVET! Bongo is brown! Now, not that I have ANY fashion sense, but even I know that monkeys can't wear maroon velvet! He knows better than that! So I told him to take it off and I would get him a nice blue and green plaid skirt with a jaunty little beret to match...

So now I have to go shopping for a new dress. Bugger. The saddest thing? Even as bad as Bongo looked in my dress, he still looked better than me.

*end cut 'n' paste*



"So? What do you think?" Corde asked Saikra.


The ex-muse picked her jaw off the ground. She smacked Corde upside the head again. "That was so lame I was flabbergasted," she explained. "Don't do it again."


Corde smirked. "Be glad I didn't tell them my Wonderbra story."


Chapter 2


Crais swooped onboard Moya. Protests sounded immediately from all directions.


"What do you think you're doing? It's already the second chapter and the second page, and the first actual CHARACTER you put in the frelling story is CRAIS?!?" D'Argo seemed to be on the edge of hyper-rage.


"That tears it!" Zhaan declared. "She DID go on a date with him!"


"I didn't!" Corde denied.


"Why else would he be the first one in the story?" Aeryn cut right to the point, as usual. "You must have gone out with him."


"I never did!" Corde protested. "Just wait and see what he's here for first! Really, let me show you.


Chapter 2


Crais swooped in wearing his newest Captain PK Leather Outerwear Skirt and Chaps Matched Set. On his head was a jaunty little Captain PK Yarmulke Smushyhat. "Like my new skirt ensemble?" he queried the ship at large. "Don't I look more fetching than ever?" He swooped out again, accompanied by his henchmen, who were humming "The Crais Song" and asking, "Who's the prettiest PK around?" at intervals just so Crais could answer with, "It's me! It's me! BWAHAHAH!"


The rest of the crew on Moya stared at each other in silence. It took only three seconds for them to burst into hysterical laughter. "Yep, that's about right," said Zhaan, wiping tears from her eyes.


"You have no idea how much I wanted to laugh at him when I saw him last night," said Chia, tears making a mess of her face paint.


D'Argo was not laughing. He had a strange, faraway look on his face. "No, I do not want Aeryn to die."


Aeryn smacked him upside the head. "Snap out of it, Bunky. We're not filming anymore."


D'Argo shook himself. "Oh yeah. Thanks."


"No problem."


Chapter 3


Bongo came prancing by while Corde was trying to write. "Bongo, will you stop that? Yes I see your eye shadow, no, it's a horrible color on you, put my lipstick BACK, no I don't use it but that doesn't mean I'm going to let you use it, and NO you may NOT get a tattoo on your chest that says 'SEXY BEAST;' monkeyfur and tattoos don't mix." Bongo pouted. "And take my shoes off! You're going to stretch them out, and they're the only heels I have! I may have to wear them in a few weeks!"




"Damn monkeys. Can I say that? It's PG-13, isn't it? I guess the question should be whether to put spoiler space. I guess there are a few spoilers in here, like the D'Argo thing and Crais' dress, but I'm not sure if that counts"


Saikra smacked Corde upside the head. "You're getting good at that," Corde complimented.


"I've had lots of practice with Anthony," Saikra admitted.




Chapter 4


"Oh, and I forgot to tell them about Bongo and Saikra stealing my checkbook and going shopping!" Corde exclaimed.


Anthony smacked her upside the head. "You just did, Junior."


Corde rolled her eyes. "Don't call me that, Bunky."












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DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.