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Yet Another Silly Line Uttered
By Crais As Told To Kathe, Or By Kathe Putting Words In Crais'
Mouth, Or Something Like That Which I'm Not Too Sure Of Because
It's Late And I Was Up Late Last Night Watching Farscape, Yay(16)
So this one just happened
because I saw Kathe's line about Crais' skirt, and you know what
happens when Kathe says something funny about Crais, whoops,
a Cordefic is born. That's how I got my start, 15 fics ago, with
a little ditty called "The Importance of Being Calvin."
I'm still not sure if "Calvin" is singular or plural.
This is somewhat of a milestone for me, and I'd like to thank
you all for taking this strange journey with me. Now that you're
all asleep, I can start the fic and you won't throw rocks. Thanks,
Kathe, you're the greatest. Maybe if I say that, she won't remember
that I didn't wait for her permission to use her line. Oops.
Chapter 1
Corde slumped at her keyboard
and sighed. "I must be nuts," she said. "Trying
to write Cordefic the day after an episode like THAT."
Aeryn patted her on the back.
"Not as nuts as the whackos on the X-Files boards who posted
the night before the movie came out."
"Yeah, but at least their
fic was GOOD," Corde said. "Hey, wait a minute, who
are you? My Aeryn isn't supportive and comforting. I've never
seen an Aeryn who was supportive and comforting. What's going
on here?"
"Oh shoot," said
Saikra, Anthony's ex-muse. "You found me out. Darn, Anthony
will be displeased."
"Why do you care? You
left him and ran off to go shopping with Bongo. Using MY checkbook,
I might add," Corde accused.
**FLASHBACK**
"Whoa, we've never had
one of these before. How does it work?" Corde asked.
Saikra slapped her upside the
head. "Don't you know anything? You get either the wobble
effect or the mist effect, with a sorta voice-over thingy. Duh."
Corde looked at her, impressed.
"Now you're starting to act like Aeryn."
*wobble effect, with a voice-over*
Corde: It was many years ago
no wait, it was Tuesday. Yeah, okay, last Tuesday I was hanging
out at the FaDoP board
*cut 'n' paste* (Is it copyright
infringement if you quote yourself from another place? I don't
care; I'm not going to sue myself. If I do, I'll settle out of
court and give myself $0.25 and a Vorkosigan book.) (Did you
know there is no cent symbol on the keyboard? I can't find it.)
Okay, so I'm going to a formal
dance in a few weeks, and I'm trying to find a dress to wear,
okay? So I go to open my closet, and it's rusted closed. Hey,
I don't go into my closet all that much, I wear jeans and stuff.
So I had to hunt down a crowbar,
and let me tell you, it was a chore! Those crows don't like to
give up their bars. So for future reference, never try to open
your closet during Happy Hour. So I finally got a crowbar, finished
off the Jack Daniels the crows had left, and went at my closet
door.
Twenty minutes later the closet
was still closed, and the crowbar was SMIRKING at me. I decided
it was time to call in the big guns, so I went after my 300lb
ex-football player fraternity president philosophy major brother.
He grumbled a lot, but I reminded him of his tattoos that I know
about and our parents don't and he caved.
So he came into my room, grunted,
took a stance and GLARED at the closet. The closet door then
did the logical thing and died. My brother lumbered off (presumably
in search of beer) and I was able to move the corpse of the closet
door over enough to get to my *ahem* dress (yes, that's dress,
singular, I had to wear it to my cousin's wedding three years
ago, it's horrid and will NOT fit, but it's the only one I have).
And what do you think I saw?
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
BONGO! He was wearing my dress and PRANCING around in my heels!
Dear friends, this was a shock to say the least. I confess that
I am ashamed of my muse. My dress is MAROON VELVET! Bongo is
brown! Now, not that I have ANY fashion sense, but even I know
that monkeys can't wear maroon velvet! He knows better than that!
So I told him to take it off and I would get him a nice blue
and green plaid skirt with a jaunty little beret to match...
So now I have to go shopping
for a new dress. Bugger. The saddest thing? Even as bad as Bongo
looked in my dress, he still looked better than me.
*end cut 'n' paste*
*END FLASHBACK*
"So? What do you think?"
Corde asked Saikra.
The ex-muse picked her jaw
off the ground. She smacked Corde upside the head again. "That
was so lame I was flabbergasted," she explained. "Don't
do it again."
Corde smirked. "Be glad
I didn't tell them my Wonderbra story."
Chapter 2
Crais swooped onboard Moya.
Protests sounded immediately from all directions.
"What do you think you're
doing? It's already the second chapter and the second page, and
the first actual CHARACTER you put in the frelling story is CRAIS?!?"
D'Argo seemed to be on the edge of hyper-rage.
"That tears it!"
Zhaan declared. "She DID go on a date with him!"
"I didn't!" Corde
denied.
"Why else would he be
the first one in the story?" Aeryn cut right to the point,
as usual. "You must have gone out with him."
"I never did!" Corde
protested. "Just wait and see what he's here for first!
Really, let me show you.
Chapter 2
Crais swooped in wearing his
newest Captain PK Leather Outerwear Skirt and Chaps Matched Set.
On his head was a jaunty little Captain PK Yarmulke Smushyhat.
"Like my new skirt ensemble?" he queried the ship at
large. "Don't I look more fetching than ever?" He swooped
out again, accompanied by his henchmen, who were humming "The
Crais Song" and asking, "Who's the prettiest PK around?"
at intervals just so Crais could answer with, "It's me!
It's me! BWAHAHAH!"
The rest of the crew on Moya
stared at each other in silence. It took only three seconds for
them to burst into hysterical laughter. "Yep, that's about
right," said Zhaan, wiping tears from her eyes.
"You have no idea how
much I wanted to laugh at him when I saw him last night,"
said Chia, tears making a mess of her face paint.
D'Argo was not laughing. He
had a strange, faraway look on his face. "No, I do not want
Aeryn to die."
Aeryn smacked him upside the
head. "Snap out of it, Bunky. We're not filming anymore."
D'Argo shook himself. "Oh
yeah. Thanks."
"No problem."
Chapter 3
Bongo came prancing by while
Corde was trying to write. "Bongo, will you stop that? Yes
I see your eye shadow, no, it's a horrible color on you, put
my lipstick BACK, no I don't use it but that doesn't mean I'm
going to let you use it, and NO you may NOT get a tattoo on your
chest that says 'SEXY BEAST;' monkeyfur and tattoos don't mix."
Bongo pouted. "And take my shoes off! You're going to stretch
them out, and they're the only heels I have! I may have to wear
them in a few weeks!"
THE END
"Damn monkeys. Can I say
that? It's PG-13, isn't it? I guess the question should be whether
to put spoiler space. I guess there are a few spoilers in here,
like the D'Argo thing and Crais' dress, but I'm not sure if that
counts"
Saikra smacked Corde upside
the head. "You're getting good at that," Corde complimented.
"I've had lots of practice
with Anthony," Saikra admitted.
THE END
Chapter 4
"Oh, and I forgot to tell
them about Bongo and Saikra stealing my checkbook and going shopping!"
Corde exclaimed.
Anthony smacked her upside
the head. "You just did, Junior."
Corde rolled her eyes. "Don't
call me that, Bunky."
"Junior."
"Bunky."
"Junior."
"Bunky..."
THE END
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