Established: 03 March 2002

Current News
News Archive
Episode Reviews
Character Profiles
Spoiler Archive
Kemps Corner
Poll Archive
Farscape Links
Other Links

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as would pictures of wives and girlfriends naked. Submissions? Anything really. Click on the smiley face!

All text, HTML etc. on this site is the property of the webmaster and is not to be used without the webmasters permission. He's an amicable sort of fellow, so if you ask nicely, I'm sure it won't be a problem. Please don't snurch!

© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



Neither Jaimie Nor Tinka Had Any Input In This Story, And Chapter 8 Didn't Really Happen, But Wouldn't It Have Been Funny? Okay, Maybe That's Just Me(15)

So I was hanging out with Tinka, and she was reading something she had printed off the Internet, and I had my notebook with me, so I started writing. It's just a little something to keep me occupied until next Friday, and maybe you guys will laugh a little too. Or maybe not. I don't know. It doesn't have much to do with Farscape, beyond the characters, and it's rather whacked. But suspend your disbelief for a minute and you might get a giggle out of it. Or not.


Chapter 1


"You never finished that one about the GED class," Aeryn said accusingly.


"Yeah, because it wasn't interesting in any way," said Corde.


"That never stopped you before," said Aeryn.


Chapter 2


"And then there was that one time my ponytail holders came to life and tried to take over the world," said Jaimie.


"Your what?" Zhaan asked. D'Argo snickered.


"Yeah, and then my poofies banded together to help," Jaimie continued.


"Your WHAT?" Zhaan asked forcefully. D'Argo snickered some more.


"You mean scrunchies," said Corde. "The thing you put on the outside of the ponytail holder to make it look better."


"Same thing," Jaimie grumbled.


"Oh yeah, those things," said Aeryn. "What are they called?"


"Poofies," Jaimie told her.


"Scrunchies," Corde corrected.


"I just call them hair thingies," said Tinka.


"What are you people talking about?" Zhaan demanded. D'Argo snickered so hard he choked.


Chapter 3


"So if your bunny slippers are in love, does that make you a slipper shipper?" Jaimie asked the list in general. D'Argo stopped choking long enough to giggle, then went back to snickering and choking again.


Chapter 4


Corde was reading in the living room one day when suddenly her lampshade decided it had had enough. "All right, blondy, step away from the lamp and put your hands in the air," the lampshade said.


"I'm not blonde," Corde said, not looking up from her book.


"Whatever," said the lampshade. "Just put your hands up and move away from the lamp."


"No," said Corde. "If I go over there, I won't have enough light to read by."


"That's kind of the point, smarty. I've had enough of this turning the light on and off as you please. From now on, you'll have light when I say you have light!" the lampshade proclaimed.


Corde turned a page.


"Oh, so that's how you want to be, eh?" said the lampshade, not quite sure what to do. It hadn't planned on Corde ignoring it. She was supposed to be cowering in fear by now. "Fine, let's see you ignore THIS!" and the light went out.


Corde reached over and turned the light back on.


"Oh, never mind," said the lampshade, disgusted.


Chapter 5


Corde and Chia Pet were sharing a bottle of tequila. Okay, Chia was taking shots like a pro and Corde was sipping gingerly and complaining about the taste.


"I don't know what your deal is," Chia grumbled. "This stuff isn't potent at all. I've had three halfs of the bottle already and I'm fust jine." Corde giggled.


"Whups," she said, "I just got a hairclip stuck in my keyboard."


"Get it out," Chia advised.


"Can't," Corde told her. "It fell past the keys. It's stuck under O, P, L, and the semicolon key. At least it's not hampering my typing."


"WHAT your typing?" Chia slurred.


"Hamper. It's something you put clothes in. Or else it's a kind of diaper, I forget," Corde explained.


"Oh. That," said Chia. "Hey, it's getting kind of hard to walk."


"Oh yeah?" said Corde. "Try playing golf with a volleyball sometime." Chia passed out.


 Chapter 6


"WHERE'S MY @*%#^ TEQUILA?" D'Argo roared.


Corde giggled. Aeryn smacked her upside the head.


Chapter 7


"Corde, what are you doing?" Aeryn asked.


"Um, writing fanfic?" Corde guessed.


"No, this is not fic. This is random scribbling in your notebook," Aeryn told her.


"Well, yeah, it is now, but I'm hoping for inspiration really soon," Corde said.


Just then Resnick rode up on a beautiful black stallion. He started to say something, but Corde cut him off. "Let me guess, his name is Inspiration."


"Uh, no, he's Motivation. This is Inspiration," Resnick said and pointed at a swaybacked donkey that must have been about three years older than dirt.


"THAT'S Inspiration?" Aeryn said incredulously.


"Hey, it gave Corde half a page." Resnick shrugged. "What do you want from me? I'm not even a real character. Corde still can't write fic, so she stole me."


"What's up with the sucky fic, Corde?" Chia Pet asked, waking from her alcohol-induced stupor.


"Watch it," Corde snapped.


"No really," D'Argo chimed in. "What is this dren?" Aeryn handed D'Argo the trophy for Obligatory Farscape Word of the Fic.


"Bongo is in Cuba," Corde muttered by way of explanation. At the various raised eyebrows caused by that remark, she sighed and said, "He quit his job as my muse and took a raft to Cuba."


"Waitaminute," said Anthony. "I thought that people take rafts FROM Cuba TO Florida."


"Normal people do," Corde agreed. "But this is Bongo we're talking about."


"Ohyeah," said Anthony.




Chapter 8


The Downsburg High School class of '99 sat in the overheated gymnasium listening to speech after boring speech. Finally the oldest faculty member, Mr. Flack, got up to speak. He droned for what seemed like hours before finally closing with, "and remember, graduates; Semper Ubi Sub Ubi."


The room was silent as the Latin students realized what he said and everyone else fell asleep. One bright senior muttered, "Semper tunicam gerete."


Mr. Flack heard him. "That's what I said!" the math teacher claimed. "Always wear--"




Chapter 9


"It's a Latin joke, see?" said Corde. "Semper means 'always', sub is 'under', and ubi is the interrogative 'where', so when you put it together"



<prev         next>

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.