Neither Jaimie Nor Tinka Had
Any Input In This Story, And Chapter 8 Didn't Really Happen,
But Wouldn't It Have Been Funny? Okay, Maybe That's Just Me(15)
So I was hanging out
with Tinka, and she was reading something she had printed off
the Internet, and I had my notebook with me, so I started writing.
It's just a little something to keep me occupied until next Friday,
and maybe you guys will laugh a little too. Or maybe not. I don't
know. It doesn't have much to do with Farscape, beyond the characters,
and it's rather whacked. But suspend your disbelief for a minute
and you might get a giggle out of it. Or not.
"You never finished that
one about the GED class," Aeryn said accusingly.
"Yeah, because it wasn't
interesting in any way," said Corde.
"That never stopped you
before," said Aeryn.
"And then there was that
one time my ponytail holders came to life and tried to take over
the world," said Jaimie.
"Your what?" Zhaan
asked. D'Argo snickered.
"Yeah, and then my poofies
banded together to help," Jaimie continued.
"Your WHAT?" Zhaan
asked forcefully. D'Argo snickered some more.
"You mean scrunchies,"
said Corde. "The thing you put on the outside of the ponytail
holder to make it look better."
"Same thing," Jaimie
"Oh yeah, those things,"
said Aeryn. "What are they called?"
"I just call them hair
thingies," said Tinka.
"What are you people talking
about?" Zhaan demanded. D'Argo snickered so hard he choked.
"So if your bunny slippers
are in love, does that make you a slipper shipper?" Jaimie
asked the list in general. D'Argo stopped choking long enough
to giggle, then went back to snickering and choking again.
Corde was reading in the living
room one day when suddenly her lampshade decided it had had enough.
"All right, blondy, step away from the lamp and put your
hands in the air," the lampshade said.
"I'm not blonde,"
Corde said, not looking up from her book.
the lampshade. "Just put your hands up and move away from
"No," said Corde.
"If I go over there, I won't have enough light to read by."
"That's kind of the point,
smarty. I've had enough of this turning the light on and off
as you please. From now on, you'll have light when I say you
have light!" the lampshade proclaimed.
Corde turned a page.
"Oh, so that's how you
want to be, eh?" said the lampshade, not quite sure what
to do. It hadn't planned on Corde ignoring it. She was supposed
to be cowering in fear by now. "Fine, let's see you ignore
THIS!" and the light went out.
Corde reached over and turned
the light back on.
"Oh, never mind,"
said the lampshade, disgusted.
Corde and Chia Pet were sharing
a bottle of tequila. Okay, Chia was taking shots like a pro and
Corde was sipping gingerly and complaining about the taste.
"I don't know what your
deal is," Chia grumbled. "This stuff isn't potent at
all. I've had three halfs of the bottle already and I'm fust
jine." Corde giggled.
"Whups," she said,
"I just got a hairclip stuck in my keyboard."
"Get it out," Chia
"Can't," Corde told
her. "It fell past the keys. It's stuck under O, P, L, and
the semicolon key. At least it's not hampering my typing."
"WHAT your typing?"
"Hamper. It's something
you put clothes in. Or else it's a kind of diaper, I forget,"
"Oh. That," said
Chia. "Hey, it's getting kind of hard to walk."
"Oh yeah?" said Corde.
"Try playing golf with a volleyball sometime." Chia
"WHERE'S MY @*%#^ TEQUILA?"
Corde giggled. Aeryn smacked
her upside the head.
"Corde, what are you doing?"
"Um, writing fanfic?"
"No, this is not fic.
This is random scribbling in your notebook," Aeryn told
"Well, yeah, it is now,
but I'm hoping for inspiration really soon," Corde said.
Just then Resnick rode up on
a beautiful black stallion. He started to say something, but
Corde cut him off. "Let me guess, his name is Inspiration."
"Uh, no, he's Motivation.
This is Inspiration," Resnick said and pointed at a swaybacked
donkey that must have been about three years older than dirt.
Aeryn said incredulously.
"Hey, it gave Corde half
a page." Resnick shrugged. "What do you want from me?
I'm not even a real character. Corde still can't write fic, so
she stole me."
"What's up with the sucky
fic, Corde?" Chia Pet asked, waking from her alcohol-induced
"Watch it," Corde
"No really," D'Argo
chimed in. "What is this dren?" Aeryn handed D'Argo
the trophy for Obligatory Farscape Word of the Fic.
"Bongo is in Cuba,"
Corde muttered by way of explanation. At the various raised eyebrows
caused by that remark, she sighed and said, "He quit his
job as my muse and took a raft to Cuba."
Anthony. "I thought that people take rafts FROM Cuba TO
"Normal people do,"
Corde agreed. "But this is Bongo we're talking about."
"Ohyeah," said Anthony.
The Downsburg High School class
of '99 sat in the overheated gymnasium listening to speech after
boring speech. Finally the oldest faculty member, Mr. Flack,
got up to speak. He droned for what seemed like hours before
finally closing with, "and remember, graduates; Semper Ubi
The room was silent as the
Latin students realized what he said and everyone else fell asleep.
One bright senior muttered, "Semper tunicam gerete."
Mr. Flack heard him. "That's
what I said!" the math teacher claimed. "Always wear--"
"It's a Latin joke, see?"
said Corde. "Semper means 'always', sub is 'under', and
ubi is the interrogative 'where', so when you put it together"