Established: 03 March 2002

Current News
News Archive
Episode Reviews
Character Profiles
Spoiler Archive
Kemps Corner
Poll Archive
Farscape Links
Other Links

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as would pictures of wives and girlfriends naked. Submissions? Anything really. Click on the smiley face!

All text, HTML etc. on this site is the property of the webmaster and is not to be used without the webmasters permission. He's an amicable sort of fellow, so if you ask nicely, I'm sure it won't be a problem. Please don't snurch!

© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



What Happens When A Non-Scaper Is Assimilated Into A Farscape Fic, And Pooh's Feelings About It. Okay, The Part About Pooh Is A Lie; He's Not In This Fic. Maybe Next Time(14)

This one is for Anthony, because every time I chat with him, he says stuff like, "Hey, wouldn't that be a great fic? Why don't you write it?" and I keep saying, "Because I'm not writing fic anymore." Well, Tinka came over and I sat down and started typing. And I know this isn't going to be the last one, because I didn't mention the GED class not knowing when to add "the" or alberts or my brother. So here's to you, Anth. Hope you dislike it so you don't keep bugging me.


Chapter 1


"Aeryn," Corde asked without preamble, "is it egotistical of me to get a kick out of my own work?"


"If you keep using phrases like 'without preamble,' you're going to get a kick all right" Aeryn mumbled from the couch she had been napping on. "On which I had been napping, thank you. Prepositions do not come at the end of sentences."


"Common usage rule," Corde replied. "Everybody does it, so I can too."


"If everyone jumped off a cliff" Aeryn began.


"Depends on who 'everyone' is. If, say, Chia were jumping off a cliff, I'd gladly jump after her just to make sure she made it to the bottom okay. 'Okay' meaning 'in several pieces,'" Corde explained. "And you never answered my question."


"Hey, wait a minute," said Bongo, who was really Anthony, who was really Bongo pretending to be Anthony. "I thought you said you weren't writing any more."


"I'm not," said Corde.


"What's this then?" the monkey asked.


"As soon as I figure it out, I'll tell you," said Corde. "And HEY! You are still in big trouble for that stunt you pulled with all the shippers' muses. Get back in your cell."


Aeryn dropkicked Bongo into next week. "Thank you," said Corde.


"Not a problem," said Aeryn.


Chapter 2


Darth Maul and Obi-Wan were facing off. No wait, they weren't, because I can't write about that. Sorry, let's try that again.


Chapter 2




Chapter 3


"You've been practicing," Aeryn observed. "That was definitely the worst Chapter 2 I've ever read."


"Thank you," said Corde.


Chapter 4


Tinka was lying on Corde's bed. Oh, get your minds out of the gutter! She was lounging in Corde's bedroom as Corde was writing fic. "Wow," said Tinka. "You really suck at this fic stuff. I didn't say that!" she added indignantly. "I would never tell you that your stuff sucked. Well, I would, but I didn't this time."


"I know," said Corde, "but I needed a plot device."


Everyone groaned. "Oh no, she's talking about plot devices again!" shouted Zhaan.


"Run away! Run away!" said everyone else as they ran in fear.


"You know, Tinka, it's really hard to write when you're breathing down my neck. And the shippers are going to get the wrong idea," said Corde. "Must you stand there and watch me type?"


"Duh," said Tinka. "Yes, I must."


"Go away and let me talk to Aeryn. We were having a conversation."


"No we weren't," said Aeryn. "You were interrupting my nap. Where did Tinka go?"


"She went to get her shoes," said Corde. "We're going out to eat."


"You're leaving?" Aeryn asked.


"Yep," said Tinka. "Xena rules, Xena rules, Xena rules."


"Good," said Aeryn. "Then I can get back to my nap."


Chapter 5


"What chapter was I on?" Corde asked.


"Chapter 5," said Tinka. Corde scrolled up to check. Tinka was right. "You doubt me? Foolish mortal," said Tinka. "Oh yeah, and Xena rules, Xena rules, Xena rules."


Chapter 6


The girls came back from Joe's Crab Shack after a very large dinner of seafood. Corde was wearing a shirt that proclaimed, "Peace, Love & Crabs," while Tinka held a double shot glass and wore a hat that asked, "Got Crabs?"


"Yum," said Tinka. "Now go wake Aeryn up so you can finish your dumb fic."


"Watch it," Aeryn hissed without opening her eyes. "I'm still napping."


Tinka stared at Aeryn. "Why are you so tired all of a sudden?" she asked.


Aeryn shrugged. "I don't know. Ask the author."


Tinka turned to Corde. "Corde, why is-"


"I heard you," Corde snapped.


"I know you heard me," said Tinka. "We're in the same room. But I was trying to help you take up space."


"Fine, okay, whatever," said Corde. "Aeryn is tired because I left the keyboard in the middle of the fic, and for some reason I can't think of anything to say."


"Never stopped you before," observed Tinka.


"HEY," said Corde. "You don't even READ my stuff, so don't make fun."


"Natalie archived it, everyone can read it, I have to make sure they all know how bad it is," Tinka explained.


"Go away," said Corde.


Chapter 7










"Used more than once?"




"Used by Xena?"








"Made out of wood?"


"Probably not"


"Hmm first season?"












"India Arc?"




"Ah. Powder compact."


"Yep!" Corde and Tinka high-fived. "Good one," Corde said.


"Not really," said Tinka, "but I needed an easy one for you to put in your fic. Oh, hey, I really hope the shippers know something about Xena."


"If not, they won't care," said Corde. "My fic doesn't usually make much sense anyway."


Chapter 8


Aeryn smacked Darth Maul upside the head. She then looked through the hole in her hand and screamed in pain. "OW! Frelling dren, he's got HORNS!"


Corde shouted, "Medic!" and Crichton went for the mop. Maul crossed his arms and looked at Aeryn smugly.




<prev         next>

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.