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Chapter
Nine
IN
WHICH FICTITIOUS AND NON FICTITIOUS CHARACTERS HAVE A DELICIOUS
BRUNCH AND THE FIC MYSTERIOUSLY TURNS INTO A MUSICAL
As it turned
out, suggesting that they all go to brunch was actually a stroke
of genius on Darien's part. He took them to a nice restaurant
called "Marcel's", which had a nice buffet and a good
proximity to Central Park, and, thankfully, did not stretch the
budget of your typical invisible man.
Everyone went through the buffet and secured a good amount of
food, which was good because by the time he made his second trip
Rygel had essentially eradicated the restaurant of anything resembling
food. Everyone was enjoying their breakfast, especially Rygel,
who had taken four plates of caviar, and Aeryn, who had developed
a strange addiction to french toast. Lilo was also having a spectacular
time, as she was sitting on Darien's lap, something that he appeared
to be enjoying. This only served to be a problem about halfway
through the meal, when Aeryn muttered "tralk" under
her breath, causing much upset on Lilo's part.
"Dakki"
she said imploringly, raising her head to the sky, "DO something.
She's being mean to me."
"No."
Dakki said definitively.
"But WHY?
Dakki, she made FUN of me. You're supposed to be my best friend,"
she said pathetically.
"I'm not
doing anything to Aeryn. I worship her. Why else do you think
she's on my desktop?" Dakki said.
"Really?"
Aeryn said, sounding uncharacteristically flattered. Of course,
this did nothing to change Lilo's mind.
"What
does that have to do with anything? Why can't you do something
to her?" she said angrily.
"BECAUSE
YOU DON'T TORTURE SOMEONE WHO'S ON YOUR DESKTOP!" Dakki
shrieked.
"Please"
Lilo said sadly.
"Oh, FINE."
Dakki grumbled.
Suddenly, Aeryn
appeared in five-inch stiletto heels.
"Thank
you!" Lilo said brightly, turning to Aeryn, "well,
they train you for a lot of things in Peacekeeper school, but
I bet this isn't one of them," she said smugly, taking a
bite out of her almond croissant.
At that moment
Aeryn looked like she was about to pull out her pulse pistol
and shoot Lilo right between the eyes. Darien realized this,
and quickly said "hey! Where's Crichton?" something
which probably saved Lilo's life.
Everyone realized
that Crichton was, in fact, gone, and all looked around, but
no one got up from the table for fear of Rygel eating their food.
Finally, D'Argo spotted him a few feet away next to a fountain,
dropping cyanide-coated peanuts and singing a little song. Everyone
strained to hear what he was saying. Eventually, they realized
that he was poisoning pigeons with the peanuts, and then he began
to sing louder as he skippedaround.
"Spring
is here
a-suh-puh-ring is here
life is skittles and life is beer
I think the loveliest time of the year is the Spring
I do
don't you?
'course ya do." He said. Intrigued, everyone listened as
he continued to sing.
"But there's
one thing that makes Spring complete of me
and makes every Sunday a treat for meeee
All the world seems in tune
on a spring afternoon
when we're poisoning pigeons in the park
every Sunday you'll see
my sweetheart and me
as we poison the pigeons in the park!" As Crichton sang,
he dropped some more peanuts, which more pigeons ate. After they
keeled over, he gathered them up into a little pile.
"CRICHTON!"
Aeryn called, amazed that he was showing some signs of mental
capacity at last, "come over here. Eat your eggs."
Upon hearing
her voice, Crichton stopped singing and skipped back to the table,
apparently back to normal. He sat down in his chair and promptly
began shoveling eggs. The conversation dried up for a few minutes
while everyone stared at him. Finally, just to make conversation,
Darien asked Chi if she was over Jack yet.
"Well"
she began, "I think that the way I feel right now can best
be expressed with a song."
"A song?"
Rygel asked, baffled.
"Yes,
a song,' she said, and without further ado stood up in her chair
and did a pretty little dance and mussed her hair with her hands,
and then began to sing:
"I'm gonna
wash that man right outta my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
and send him on his waaaayyyyyyyy
Get the picture?
I'm gonna wave that man right outta my arms-"
Suddenly, D'Argo,
apparently inspired by Chi, grabbed Chiana and pulled her to
her feet, dancing with her and sashaying around the tables. And
then, he began to sing a song of his own:
"I feel
pretty
oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
any Luxan who isn't me tonight!
I feel charming
oh so charming
it's alarming
how charming
I feeeeel!
And so pretty
and I hardly can believe-"
Luckily, right
at that moment, Stark sauntered over to the table and sat down.
"Hiya,
Stark!" John said cheerfully, "want some eggs?"
"Stark?"
Aeryn said slowly, immensely grateful that he had forced D'Argo
to stop singing, because, let's face it, Luxans are good at a
lot of things, but singing show tunes ain't one of 'em, "what
are you doing here?"
"Ah, yes,
well," Stark began, spreading marmalade on a slice of toast,
"I decided that it was kind of a stupid idea to go looking
for Zhaan's spirit. I mean, what would I do if I found her?"
he said, brandishing his butter knife in the air, "would
she say, 'yoo-hoo, stark, it's Zhaan's spirit, you can go back
to Moya now'? So, I went back to Moya and Pilot said that you
went down here, so I decided to come see you."
"Oh, good,"
Chiana said, "you brought a transport pod. I was wondering
how we were going to get back. Dakki had sort of painted her
self into a corner," she smirked.
"I had
a plan," Dakki muttered, hurt.
"Yes,
well, actually, no, I didn't. The answer is vomit! That's how
we're going to get out!" he said excitedly.
"PLEASE
tell me you brought a transport pod," D'Argo snarled, apparently
no longer in touch with his feminine side..
"Ah. Yes,
of course," Stark said, embarrassed, "just having a
bit of a flashback there. Ha ha."
Suddenly, Snarky British Chick and Hobbes walked over and took
seats next to Darien and Lilo.
"Oh, hi
guys," Darien said, "everybody, these guys are Hobbes
and Claire."
"Darien"
Hobbes said, eyeing Lilo, "what's SHE doing there?"
"What's
wrong?" Darien said, taking his shirt off.
Everyone female
within a radius of Earth fell over and shrieked with sheer joy.
"Nothing"
Hobbes muttered, "I just don't likeyou know"
Lilo straightened
in her seat, "I think that right now it would be in order
to sing a duet to express our love for each other." And
without further ado Lilo and Darien began to sing (when Darien
sings there are asterisks when he begins and finishes his part).
"Tale
as old as time
true as it can be
barely even friends
then somebody bends
unexpectedly"
*"Just
a little change
small to say the least
both a little scared
neither one prepared"*
And then, as
everyone at the restaurant looked on with expressions of horror
on their faces, they sang one line together, so loud that the
glasses nearly shattered:
"BEAUTY
AND THE BEEEEEEEEEEEEAST"
Then, suddenly,
Stark and Snarky British Chick made eye contact. Just at that
moment, Lilo and Darien stopped singing, because it's impossible
to sing when you're kissing. Everyone at the table heaved a sigh
of relief, completely ignoring Stark and Snarky British Chick's
interest in each other.
"Thank
you, Dakki," Aeryn gasped, taking a big gulp of orange juice
to build up her strength.
"HEY!"
Lilo said angrily, "I'm not THAT bad. I'm a great singer.
In fact, I sound exactly like Celine Dion."
"Is that
another Erp saying?" Aeryn asked, puzzled
Lilo was about
to make a fool of herself begging Dakki to do something mean
to Aeryn, but in fact she didn't need to-ever since people began
to burst out into song for no conceivable reason, Dakki had come
up with a great idea as to what Aeryn could sing. Before Lilo
could say anything, Aeryn stood up and began to do a Pretty Little
Dance, and then, without further ado, began to sing:
"I'm a
girl and by me that's only great
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy
that I walk with a sweet and girlish gait
with my hips kind of swiveling and swirling
I adore being dressed in something frilly
when my date comes to get me at my place
out I go with my Joe or John or Billy
like a filly who is ready for the raaaaaaaaace!
When I have a brand new hairdo
with my eyelashes all in curls
I float as the clouds on air do
I enjoy being a girl!"
With that,
Aeryn sat down in her chair and began munching contentedly on
her french toast, apparently not noticing that everyone was looking
at her with an expression of utmost horror.
"So, Rygel,
how are you feeling?" Darien asked, pretty much just to
see if Rygel would sing in response.
He did.
"Well,
you know, that's a good question," he began, smiling in
response to the gentle earbrow massage that Candi was delivering,
"and I think that it would be best expressed with a song."
And, of course, Rygel began to sing, much to the dismay of the
patrons of the restaurant.
"I'm a
Dominar and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I sleep all day."
"He's
a Dominar and he's okay
he sleeps all night and he sleeps all day," Candi shrilled.
"I steal
John's stuff
I eat lotsa lunch
I go on the transport pod
I go to commerce planets
and look like a really big frog!" Rygel sang.
"He steals
John's stuff
he eats lotsa lunch
he goes on the transport pod
he goes to commerce planets
and looks like a really big frog!"
"Now,
if you will excuse me, I need to get more caviar. Come along,
Candi," he said, motoring off in his little chair.
Everyone within
ten miles collapsed, gasping for breath. If you ever heard a
Hynerian sing then you would most likely do the exact same thing.
However, for
two people this event was pleasant-yes, you guessed it-Stark
and Snarky British Chick. It really was an obvious combination-their
names even sorta rhyme. They also have similar hobbies-for example,
saying huge run-on sentences. As soon as they met, they knew
that they would love each other forever, and now Stark wanted
to express his love for Snarky British Chick for everyone to
seeand hear. And so, without preamble, he began to sing.
"I thought
love
was only true in fairy tales
meant for someone else
but not for me
love was out to get me
that's the way it seemed
disappointment haunted all my dreams
THEN I SAW HER FACE
NOW I'M A BELIEVER
NOT A TRACE
OF DOUBT IN MY MIND
I'm in love
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH
now I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her if I-"
At this point
Lilo knocked out Stark with his own mask, something that proved
to be one of the most clever things she had ever thought of.
"Well,
I think that this would be an ideal time to go back to Moya.
Don't you, Aeryn? I think it would," Crichton said, hoping
that they could get away before anyone sang again.
"That
would be a good idea," Darien said, applying more mousse
to his hair, "Claire? Hobbes? You guys wanna come?"
"Yes I
would love to come because I have fallen head over heels in love
with Stark and he sang a song to me which is something that a
man has never done to me before in my entire life I mean I've
done a lot of interesting things that most women haven't because
of the fact that I became a scientist for instance I got to eat
large quantities of mayonnaise which I'm sure most people were
never able to do but I've never been sang to by a man before
and now I am in love with Stark we have so much in common for
instance we both talk in run-on sentences and we both have ridiculous
accents so I would love to come aboard Moya besides I've never
seen a living ship before this will be a wonderful experience!"
Snarky British Chick said.
"Okay,"
Darien said, "and how about you, Hobbes?"
"No. Thanks.
Anyway." Hobbes muttered, upset that he had to share Darien
with Lilo. He then sulked off, found the cordhole, and made Eberts'
life miserable, but that's another story.
So then they
all left for the transport pod, on their way back to Moya, back
home
"If you
start singing, I swear I'll kill you," Aeryn snapped.
~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~^~
As it turned
out, even with the new crew members onboard, everything went
quite well. Aeryn was having a great time teaching Lilo self-defense,
and Stark and Rygel had gone to their respective quarters with
their respective mates. D'Argo and Chiana, having gone through
every show tune ever written, were now singing Village People
songs. Darien was baking oatmeal cookies ("'cuz they're
cookies, but they're oatmeal, so you know they're good for you"),
and Crichton was relaying the story to Pilot, and was currently
getting about the same reaction as he had in "Scratch n'
Sniff". There was only one problem: Moya refused to starburst.
After he had finished telling his story to Pilot, Crichton came
up with a plan: he would sing.
"How original,"
Aeryn said dryly.
"If you
don't shut up, I'll sing," Dakki said threateningly.
"Sorry,"
Aeryn said.
"I've
got a plan," Crichton said excitedly, "I'll SING to
Moya."
"I don't
see how it will help," Pilot said, shrugging, if it's possible
for him to shrug, "but go ahead."
"Hey,
Moya," John began.
"Don't
make it bad,
take a sad song
and make it better
remember
to let him into your heart
then you can start
to make it better.
Hey Moya
don't be afraid
you were made to
go out and starburst
the minute
you let him under your skin
then you begin
to make it better."
Everyone was
so touched that all through the ship everyone stopped what they
were doing and began to sing:
"Betterbetterbetterbetter.OHH,
YEAH YEAH YEAH!
NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH, HEY MOYA!
NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH, HEY MOYA!
NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH, HEY MOYA!
NAH, NAH, NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH, NAH NAH NAH NAH, HEY MOYA!"
And then, suddenly,
Moya starbursted.
Pleased with
himself, John went up to the terrace to look at the stars. When
he got there, he found that Aeryn was already there staring up
at the night sky.
"I"M
KING OF THE UNCHARTED TERRITORIES!" Crichton yelled (thank
you Minh!).
"Oh, hey,
Aeryn," he said, walking over and standing next to her.
"Hi, John." she said.
They both looked up at the sky for a few minutes. After a while,
Crichton spoke.
"Hey,
Aeryn? Remember what I said in the third season theme song? Well,
I meant every word of it. I had a great few solar days with you,
Aeryn. Even though we all started singing and I got my chest
waxed and everything."
"Me too,"
Aeryn said, smiling.
And with that,
John and Aeryn kissed, and all was well in the uncharted territories.
~THE END~
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