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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



Chapter Nine



As it turned out, suggesting that they all go to brunch was actually a stroke of genius on Darien's part. He took them to a nice restaurant called "Marcel's", which had a nice buffet and a good proximity to Central Park, and, thankfully, did not stretch the budget of your typical invisible man.
Everyone went through the buffet and secured a good amount of food, which was good because by the time he made his second trip Rygel had essentially eradicated the restaurant of anything resembling food. Everyone was enjoying their breakfast, especially Rygel, who had taken four plates of caviar, and Aeryn, who had developed a strange addiction to french toast. Lilo was also having a spectacular time, as she was sitting on Darien's lap, something that he appeared to be enjoying. This only served to be a problem about halfway through the meal, when Aeryn muttered "tralk" under her breath, causing much upset on Lilo's part.

"Dakki" she said imploringly, raising her head to the sky, "DO something. She's being mean to me."

"No." Dakki said definitively.

"But WHY? Dakki, she made FUN of me. You're supposed to be my best friend," she said pathetically.

"I'm not doing anything to Aeryn. I worship her. Why else do you think she's on my desktop?" Dakki said.

"Really?" Aeryn said, sounding uncharacteristically flattered. Of course, this did nothing to change Lilo's mind.

"What does that have to do with anything? Why can't you do something to her?" she said angrily.


"Please" Lilo said sadly.

"Oh, FINE." Dakki grumbled.

Suddenly, Aeryn appeared in five-inch stiletto heels.

"Thank you!" Lilo said brightly, turning to Aeryn, "well, they train you for a lot of things in Peacekeeper school, but I bet this isn't one of them," she said smugly, taking a bite out of her almond croissant.

At that moment Aeryn looked like she was about to pull out her pulse pistol and shoot Lilo right between the eyes. Darien realized this, and quickly said "hey! Where's Crichton?" something which probably saved Lilo's life.

Everyone realized that Crichton was, in fact, gone, and all looked around, but no one got up from the table for fear of Rygel eating their food. Finally, D'Argo spotted him a few feet away next to a fountain, dropping cyanide-coated peanuts and singing a little song. Everyone strained to hear what he was saying. Eventually, they realized that he was poisoning pigeons with the peanuts, and then he began to sing louder as he skippedaround.

"Spring is here
a-suh-puh-ring is here
life is skittles and life is beer
I think the loveliest time of the year is the Spring
I do
don't you?
'course ya do." He said. Intrigued, everyone listened as he continued to sing.

"But there's one thing that makes Spring complete of me
and makes every Sunday a treat for meeee
All the world seems in tune
on a spring afternoon
when we're poisoning pigeons in the park
every Sunday you'll see
my sweetheart and me
as we poison the pigeons in the park!" As Crichton sang, he dropped some more peanuts, which more pigeons ate. After they keeled over, he gathered them up into a little pile.

"CRICHTON!" Aeryn called, amazed that he was showing some signs of mental capacity at last, "come over here. Eat your eggs."

Upon hearing her voice, Crichton stopped singing and skipped back to the table, apparently back to normal. He sat down in his chair and promptly began shoveling eggs. The conversation dried up for a few minutes while everyone stared at him. Finally, just to make conversation, Darien asked Chi if she was over Jack yet.

"Well" she began, "I think that the way I feel right now can best be expressed with a song."

"A song?" Rygel asked, baffled.

"Yes, a song,' she said, and without further ado stood up in her chair and did a pretty little dance and mussed her hair with her hands, and then began to sing:

"I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
I'm gonna wash that man right outta my hair
and send him on his waaaayyyyyyyy
Get the picture?
I'm gonna wave that man right outta my arms-"

Suddenly, D'Argo, apparently inspired by Chi, grabbed Chiana and pulled her to her feet, dancing with her and sashaying around the tables. And then, he began to sing a song of his own:

"I feel pretty
oh so pretty
I feel pretty and witty and bright!
And I pity
any Luxan who isn't me tonight!
I feel charming
oh so charming
it's alarming
how charming
I feeeeel!
And so pretty
and I hardly can believe-"

Luckily, right at that moment, Stark sauntered over to the table and sat down.

"Hiya, Stark!" John said cheerfully, "want some eggs?"

"Stark?" Aeryn said slowly, immensely grateful that he had forced D'Argo to stop singing, because, let's face it, Luxans are good at a lot of things, but singing show tunes ain't one of 'em, "what are you doing here?"

"Ah, yes, well," Stark began, spreading marmalade on a slice of toast, "I decided that it was kind of a stupid idea to go looking for Zhaan's spirit. I mean, what would I do if I found her?" he said, brandishing his butter knife in the air, "would she say, 'yoo-hoo, stark, it's Zhaan's spirit, you can go back to Moya now'? So, I went back to Moya and Pilot said that you went down here, so I decided to come see you."

"Oh, good," Chiana said, "you brought a transport pod. I was wondering how we were going to get back. Dakki had sort of painted her self into a corner," she smirked.

"I had a plan," Dakki muttered, hurt.

"Yes, well, actually, no, I didn't. The answer is vomit! That's how we're going to get out!" he said excitedly.

"PLEASE tell me you brought a transport pod," D'Argo snarled, apparently no longer in touch with his feminine side..

"Ah. Yes, of course," Stark said, embarrassed, "just having a bit of a flashback there. Ha ha."
Suddenly, Snarky British Chick and Hobbes walked over and took seats next to Darien and Lilo.

"Oh, hi guys," Darien said, "everybody, these guys are Hobbes and Claire."

"Darien" Hobbes said, eyeing Lilo, "what's SHE doing there?"

"What's wrong?" Darien said, taking his shirt off.

Everyone female within a radius of Earth fell over and shrieked with sheer joy.

"Nothing" Hobbes muttered, "I just don't likeyou know"

Lilo straightened in her seat, "I think that right now it would be in order to sing a duet to express our love for each other." And without further ado Lilo and Darien began to sing (when Darien sings there are asterisks when he begins and finishes his part).

"Tale as old as time
true as it can be
barely even friends
then somebody bends

*"Just a little change
small to say the least
both a little scared
neither one prepared"*

And then, as everyone at the restaurant looked on with expressions of horror on their faces, they sang one line together, so loud that the glasses nearly shattered:


Then, suddenly, Stark and Snarky British Chick made eye contact. Just at that moment, Lilo and Darien stopped singing, because it's impossible to sing when you're kissing. Everyone at the table heaved a sigh of relief, completely ignoring Stark and Snarky British Chick's interest in each other.

"Thank you, Dakki," Aeryn gasped, taking a big gulp of orange juice to build up her strength.

"HEY!" Lilo said angrily, "I'm not THAT bad. I'm a great singer. In fact, I sound exactly like Celine Dion."

"Is that another Erp saying?" Aeryn asked, puzzled

Lilo was about to make a fool of herself begging Dakki to do something mean to Aeryn, but in fact she didn't need to-ever since people began to burst out into song for no conceivable reason, Dakki had come up with a great idea as to what Aeryn could sing. Before Lilo could say anything, Aeryn stood up and began to do a Pretty Little Dance, and then, without further ado, began to sing:

"I'm a girl and by me that's only great
I am proud that my silhouette is curvy
that I walk with a sweet and girlish gait
with my hips kind of swiveling and swirling
I adore being dressed in something frilly
when my date comes to get me at my place
out I go with my Joe or John or Billy
like a filly who is ready for the raaaaaaaaace!
When I have a brand new hairdo
with my eyelashes all in curls
I float as the clouds on air do
I enjoy being a girl!"

With that, Aeryn sat down in her chair and began munching contentedly on her french toast, apparently not noticing that everyone was looking at her with an expression of utmost horror.

"So, Rygel, how are you feeling?" Darien asked, pretty much just to see if Rygel would sing in response.

He did.

"Well, you know, that's a good question," he began, smiling in response to the gentle earbrow massage that Candi was delivering, "and I think that it would be best expressed with a song."
And, of course, Rygel began to sing, much to the dismay of the patrons of the restaurant.

"I'm a Dominar and I'm okay
I sleep all night and I sleep all day."

"He's a Dominar and he's okay
he sleeps all night and he sleeps all day," Candi shrilled.

"I steal John's stuff
I eat lotsa lunch
I go on the transport pod
I go to commerce planets
and look like a really big frog!" Rygel sang.

"He steals John's stuff
he eats lotsa lunch
he goes on the transport pod
he goes to commerce planets
and looks like a really big frog!"

"Now, if you will excuse me, I need to get more caviar. Come along, Candi," he said, motoring off in his little chair.

Everyone within ten miles collapsed, gasping for breath. If you ever heard a Hynerian sing then you would most likely do the exact same thing.

However, for two people this event was pleasant-yes, you guessed it-Stark and Snarky British Chick. It really was an obvious combination-their names even sorta rhyme. They also have similar hobbies-for example, saying huge run-on sentences. As soon as they met, they knew that they would love each other forever, and now Stark wanted to express his love for Snarky British Chick for everyone to seeand hear. And so, without preamble, he began to sing.

"I thought love
was only true in fairy tales
meant for someone else
but not for me
love was out to get me
that's the way it seemed
disappointment haunted all my dreams
I'm in love
now I'm a believer
I couldn't leave her if I-"

At this point Lilo knocked out Stark with his own mask, something that proved to be one of the most clever things she had ever thought of.

"Well, I think that this would be an ideal time to go back to Moya. Don't you, Aeryn? I think it would," Crichton said, hoping that they could get away before anyone sang again.

"That would be a good idea," Darien said, applying more mousse to his hair, "Claire? Hobbes? You guys wanna come?"

"Yes I would love to come because I have fallen head over heels in love with Stark and he sang a song to me which is something that a man has never done to me before in my entire life I mean I've done a lot of interesting things that most women haven't because of the fact that I became a scientist for instance I got to eat large quantities of mayonnaise which I'm sure most people were never able to do but I've never been sang to by a man before and now I am in love with Stark we have so much in common for instance we both talk in run-on sentences and we both have ridiculous accents so I would love to come aboard Moya besides I've never seen a living ship before this will be a wonderful experience!" Snarky British Chick said.

"Okay," Darien said, "and how about you, Hobbes?"

"No. Thanks. Anyway." Hobbes muttered, upset that he had to share Darien with Lilo. He then sulked off, found the cordhole, and made Eberts' life miserable, but that's another story.

So then they all left for the transport pod, on their way back to Moya, back home

"If you start singing, I swear I'll kill you," Aeryn snapped.


As it turned out, even with the new crew members onboard, everything went quite well. Aeryn was having a great time teaching Lilo self-defense, and Stark and Rygel had gone to their respective quarters with their respective mates. D'Argo and Chiana, having gone through every show tune ever written, were now singing Village People songs. Darien was baking oatmeal cookies ("'cuz they're cookies, but they're oatmeal, so you know they're good for you"), and Crichton was relaying the story to Pilot, and was currently getting about the same reaction as he had in "Scratch n' Sniff". There was only one problem: Moya refused to starburst. After he had finished telling his story to Pilot, Crichton came up with a plan: he would sing.

"How original," Aeryn said dryly.

"If you don't shut up, I'll sing," Dakki said threateningly.

"Sorry," Aeryn said.

"I've got a plan," Crichton said excitedly, "I'll SING to Moya."

"I don't see how it will help," Pilot said, shrugging, if it's possible for him to shrug, "but go ahead."

"Hey, Moya," John began.

"Don't make it bad,
take a sad song
and make it better
to let him into your heart
then you can start
to make it better.
Hey Moya
don't be afraid
you were made to
go out and starburst
the minute
you let him under your skin
then you begin
to make it better."

Everyone was so touched that all through the ship everyone stopped what they were doing and began to sing:

"Betterbetterbetterbetter.OHH, YEAH YEAH YEAH!

And then, suddenly, Moya starbursted.

Pleased with himself, John went up to the terrace to look at the stars. When he got there, he found that Aeryn was already there staring up at the night sky.

"I"M KING OF THE UNCHARTED TERRITORIES!" Crichton yelled (thank you Minh!).

"Oh, hey, Aeryn," he said, walking over and standing next to her. "Hi, John." she said.
They both looked up at the sky for a few minutes. After a while, Crichton spoke.

"Hey, Aeryn? Remember what I said in the third season theme song? Well, I meant every word of it. I had a great few solar days with you, Aeryn. Even though we all started singing and I got my chest waxed and everything."

"Me too," Aeryn said, smiling.

And with that, John and Aeryn kissed, and all was well in the uncharted territories.




DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.