AT THE MET WITH DARIEN FAWKES, SOME GRECIAN STATUES, AND A VERY
CONFUSED SECURITY GUARD
MIIIIIIIIIIINE!!" Lilo shrieked, diving in through the hole
that Darien had made when he first fell through the cab and onto
I have had ENOUGH of this dren," Aeryn said in her meanest
Peacekeeper voice, "Lilo, OFF my lap. He can stay."
Lilo got up
off of Aeryn, dusting off her vinyl pants and looking very sheepish.
you know what? I'm gonna to go back to being omnipotent, because
I just can't deal with you guys." Dakki said, exasperated.
She then vanished into thin air, but not before buying a pen
at the gift shop.
notice that we either muse, begin, or are exasperated? I mean,
we never do anything else," Aeryn mused.
get to muse," Lilo said, beginning to feel a little left
out, "Besides, you get to do Pantac jabs all the time. I
just talk about Darien. I mean, I DO do other things."
what?" Aeryn asked curiously, "Hey! Dakki got a new
adjective! I can ask curiously now!"
about Farscape. With or without Dakki," said Lilo, who was
beginning to think that maybe she should sign up for a painting
class or something.
Aeryn began, turning to Darien, who was still on her lap, "How
did you end up here?"
Darien began, "My name is Darien Fawkes-I'm from California-an
ex-con-they put a Quicksilver gland in my head-and I got out
of prison. I'm trying to keep from going Quicksilver mad. Aboard
this building-this building made out of wood and linoleum and
glass and plaster-of scientists- my keepers. If you can hear
me-the phone must work. If I order a pizza- will I have to pay
extra for two layers of pepperoni? If I open the mail. Aliens
are unprepared-helpless-for the Snarky British Chicks I have
seen. Or should I not order a pizza-and make a sandwich-or maybe
get a burger with Hobbes. But then you will never know the Officials
I have seen." (Just put this to the tune of the third season
theme song when you read this and pretend that it's funny. Except
that the third season theme song doesn't really HAVE a tune.
Oh, I don't give a flying banana.)
Aeryn, of course, didn't catch any of this, on account of the
fact that she was transfixed by his biceps. Lilo was as well,
but she was even more transfixed than Aeryn and at the moment
looked like Aeryn would if she ever went into a sauna. John,
however, was anything but, and at the moment was quite jealous.
Darien, just at that moment a white module very similar in appearance
to Farscape 1 landed on the sidewalk (at the moment, everyone
was still in the taxi, and needless to say the driver was growing
a bit impatient). Then, a man emerged from the module. His name
the frell was that?" Aeryn asked, annoyed
But no answer
came, and the city was as silent as an empty leviathan, the cars
moving soundlessly across the silent roads, and all the people
sat silently on benches, silently reading "Silent Spring".
They all screamed at once, the people of Manhattan raising their
faces to the sky and roaring with the power of a thousand prowlers.
A small sniffle
resounded, as tiny and quiet as a food cube falling to the floor.
Aeryn said encouragingly "please talk to us. We miss you.
Why are you being so dramatic?'
no longer talk to you," the author said sadly, a single
tear rolling down her face, as tiny and quiet as a food cube
falling to the floor.
used that metaphor," Lilo said, "or was it a simile?"
believe you don't know the difference between a metaphor and
a simile," Aeryn snapped, now fully convinced that Crichton
was a physics major compared to his peers, except that he was
a physics major anyway.
Lilo said, " I can't even spell 'believe'."
louder sniff resounded, as tiny and quiet as a slightly larger
food cube falling to the floor.
Aeryn said, remembering the author, "why can't you talk
will sue me. Goodbye, Aeryn," Dakki said sadly.
be ridiculous," Aeryn said, "Dakkifics and Cordefics
are completely different. For instance, Corde uses fake endings
and forty million chapters in each story, and each of her stories
is technically only one chapter long by FF.net standards. The
Alternate Dimensions Series is several chapters, with no chapters
within, and it's all the same story. See what I mean? Also I'm
a part of her personality, and you just talk to me. Okay? Now
get back to the fic. And can I ask you a question?"
Dakki said cheerfully.
you have to bring in DK?"
a plot development. Besides, if I didn't do something to distract
John he would hit Darien over the head repeatedly with something
rather heavy," Dakki sniffed.
over to DK, happy to see his friend who Lilo thinks is kind of
cute (too many food cubes is probably the source of that dire
Aeryn would have been free to look at Darien, but unfortunately
she was unable to do so because at that moment Lilo dragged him
deep into the bowels of the Metropolitan Museum Of Art. After
Aeryn had pointed her pulse rifle and the taxi driver until he
stopped asking for money and drove off, she went to go and find
Crichton. Unfortunately, Crichton had gone off with DK to a bar
or something, so Aeryn was left to stand on the sidewalk (it
can be said that it was just not Aeryn's lucky day). After Aeryn
had shot at pigeons for a while, she decided to go find Chi and
D'Argo, deciding that they would enjoy this activity, and also
it was kind of boring to shoot pigeons by yourself.
THAT violent, you know," Aeryn said angrily."I know,"
Dakki said tragically, "but I made all the characters technicolor
versions of themselves, and Crichton is basically an idiot."
did you do that for?" Aeryn asked curiously, "Hey!
I wasn't being curious."
only make characters do stuff that seems natural for them if
I invented them," said Dakki, "besides," she concluded,
"it's funnier that way."
didn't think of that," said Aeryn.
Back at the
Met, Darien and Lilo were getting along famously. They were currently
in the room containing all the Greek statues, and it could be
said that Venus de Milo (does Venus de Milo live at the Met?
I don't really care) was looking at them a bit strangely.
At that point
they were discussing the Quicksilver gland and Lilo's theory
as to how when two people are Quicksilvered and they touch each
other the effects of the Quicksilver gland cancel each other
out and both people become unQuicksilvered, if that actually
is a word.
was so intrigued by this concept that he immediately fell madly
in love with Lilo. It was at this point that Darien began wishing
that he had a pool table handy, since we all know that Darien
uses his pool table for purposes that do not quite fall into
the category of "pool".
in the course of that night is impossible to transcribe, partially
because this series is rated PG-13, and also because at that
point the author decided that then was as good a time as ever
to stop being omnipotent, something that Lilo had recommended
in a manner that can hardly be called polite.
had retrieved Chi and D'Argo, and also Rygel, just for good measure,
and showed them the joys of shooting pigeons (Rygel enjoyed this
more than anyone else, which isn't all that surprising, considering
his behavior in "Infinite Possibilities"), John turned
up, sans DK.
At this, Aeryn dragged John into the Met and took him into the
Egypt room. On the way, she passed the room with the Grecian
statues, and, upon seeing Darien without his shirt on, once she
was done swooning, an idea spawned in her mind.
stay here, John," she said hurriedly, sitting Crichton down
inside the temple. Since John was kind of drunk, he didn't try
to follow her.
Aeryn ran over
to the gift shop and, upon finding what she wanted, took a couple
kits and skipped back to Crichton.
are you doing...?" Crichton asked vaguely, upon finding
that Aeryn was taking his shirt off.
Now, don't get any weird ideas. I want you to do something for
me, to prove that you love me," Aeryn said, attempting to
open one of the kits with her teeth.
you to wax your chest."
Crichton shrieked, sounding rather like a girl.
Be quiet." Aeryn began, attempting to explain her motives,
"You see, on the way over here I saw Darien without his
shirt on, and I got to thinking that maybe you were just a bit
too furry. I mean, look at Darien...actually, don't; you might
kill him. But anyway, I was thinking that maybe if we got rid
of some of that hair then it would do a world of difference.
Besides,' she added, beginning to spread the wax on the first
strip, "you're pretty drunk. It won't hurt too much."
baby, I-" Crichton slurred, trying to find the vocabulary
to tell Aeryn that having your chest waxed was ten times worse
than a Pantac jab any day of the week.
"Oh, be quiet," Aeryn said, pressing the first strip
onto his chest, "How would you know that ithurts, anyway?"
of my past girlfriends have had very twisted ideas of fun."
that was just way too much information."
be noted that at this moment a night security guard wandered
in and, upon finding a girl with a gun waxing some guy's chest,
decided that it would probably be a good idea to go get some
coffee, and subsequently didn't bother them. This was probably
the best decision he could have made, since most judges would
probably be stumped as to what type of sentencing to give someone
for waxing an astronaut's chest in the middle of the night in
a museum, and understandably so.)
At that moment
Lilo and Darien were lying in a bed that had magically appeared
there, courtesy of the unappreciated fanfic author. Lilo had
insisted that they do things in bed because she was afraid that
if they didn't Darien might catch a scary Museum Disease that
would scar his perfect physique.
me forget I have a Quicksilver gland in my head, Lilo,"
he said, giving her his best Soap Opera Look.
duh, she has one too," Dakki said, bursting into the room.
WHEN?" Lilo demanded, in her best Valley Girl voice.
Dakki said definitively
said Lilo, "Then why don't you make me Quicksilver?"
ah, um, the ah..." Dakki began, looking less than composed,
"well, the ah er ah er ah er ah er ah er ah er ah er ah
er ah er ah er..."
you see, Lilo has theory that when two people are Quicksilvered
and they touch, which we've been doing a lot of tonight, they
cancel each other out and thusly appear to not be Quicksilvered,"
makes sense," said Lilo, once again not giving any credit
to the unappreciated fanfic author.
brief exchange, Dakki went off to the Egypt room to see how Crichton
was doing, once again wishing that she had never started this
endeavor in the first place.
of all the JOY you're bringing to the LITTLE people," Lilo
called out between passionate kisses.
you DO that?" Dakki asked curiously.
your thoughts? You project them with you telepathetic powers,"
Lilo said dissmissively.
said Dakki, "by the way, who ARE the little people?"
she asked curiously.
who isn't us, dahling," Lilo managed to get out before Darien
needed her attention again.
said Dakki, and wandered off, being careful not to make any sudden
that wasn't too bad, was it?" Aeryn asked, pulling the last
strip off with a loud rrriiipp.
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH" Crichton shrieked.
have to do that every single time, you know," Aeryn said,
rolling her eyes.
it HURTS," Crichton said, glowering, "why don't YOU
I'm sure it's quite painless," Aeryn said, smirking.
Well, at this
point, Crichton had just had it. He had had to sit in a raft
for four hours drenched incold water, listen to a redheaded chick
sing medleys of eighties hits, been Pantac Jabbed nine times
in two days, and no he had just had his chest waxed. Enough was
is the MATTER with you people?" he bellowed, his voice only
increasing in volume due to the excellent acoustics of the Metropolitan
Museum Of Art.
that in the premiere, John. You're plagiarizing yourself,"
Aeryn said calmly, pressing a strip onto her thigh.
YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!" She shrieked, sounding remarkably
like Xena, except that the author doesn't exactly remember how
Xena's warrior thingy goes, since she hasn't watched any reruns
or anything ever since the finale when Xena got her head chopped
off by some Japanese guys instead of riding into the sunset with
you," Crichton said, smirking.
I was just trying to imitate Xena," she said, wincing noticeably,
"that didn't hurt at all."
Crichton said, not sounding very sincere.
sauntered in, but this time he was not alone. He was with another
Hynerian, and the Hynerian's name was...CANDI HOLIDAY!!
a coincidence," Aeryn said flatly.
do you have ANY idea how hard it is to come up with alien names?"
a lot of shrieking around here, don't we?" Crichton said.
else sauntered in, except of course for Lilo, since it is impossible
to saunter in any way shape or form when Darien is carrying you.
Then, for no
conceivable reason, Darien burst out laughing, the source of
his merriment obviously being some aspect of Crichton's appearance.
He just managed to hold on to Lilo, and the only reason for this
was that Lilo had climbed up on top of Darien's shoulders and
had her arms wrapped around his neck.
Crichton asked dumbly.
Darien managed to choke out in between bursts of hysterical laughter.
you don't," Aeryn snapped, managing to sound incredibly
patronizing despite the fact that tears were running down her
Lilo said happily, "He's naturally HAIR FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"
anyone for brunch? I'm buying," Darien said calmly.
at the weird shirtless guy for a second, and we can be sure that
Aeryn briefly considered killing him, but decided that brunch
was just too good to pass up. So they all trooped out of the
Metropolitan Museum Of Art, all ready for some food and undoubtedly
wondering how they had ended up in this situation.
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