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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



Chapter Eight



"He's MIIIIIIIIIIINE!!" Lilo shrieked, diving in through the hole that Darien had made when he first fell through the cab and onto Aeryn's lap.

"Okay, I have had ENOUGH of this dren," Aeryn said in her meanest Peacekeeper voice, "Lilo, OFF my lap. He can stay."

Lilo got up off of Aeryn, dusting off her vinyl pants and looking very sheepish.

"Okay, you know what? I'm gonna to go back to being omnipotent, because I just can't deal with you guys." Dakki said, exasperated. She then vanished into thin air, but not before buying a pen at the gift shop.

"Did you notice that we either muse, begin, or are exasperated? I mean, we never do anything else," Aeryn mused.

"I never get to muse," Lilo said, beginning to feel a little left out, "Besides, you get to do Pantac jabs all the time. I just talk about Darien. I mean, I DO do other things."

"Like what?" Aeryn asked curiously, "Hey! Dakki got a new adjective! I can ask curiously now!"

"I talk about Farscape. With or without Dakki," said Lilo, who was beginning to think that maybe she should sign up for a painting class or something.

"So," Aeryn began, turning to Darien, who was still on her lap, "How did you end up here?"

"Well..." Darien began, "My name is Darien Fawkes-I'm from California-an ex-con-they put a Quicksilver gland in my head-and I got out of prison. I'm trying to keep from going Quicksilver mad. Aboard this building-this building made out of wood and linoleum and glass and plaster-of scientists- my keepers. If you can hear me-the phone must work. If I order a pizza- will I have to pay extra for two layers of pepperoni? If I open the mail. Aliens are unprepared-helpless-for the Snarky British Chicks I have seen. Or should I not order a pizza-and make a sandwich-or maybe get a burger with Hobbes. But then you will never know the Officials I have seen." (Just put this to the tune of the third season theme song when you read this and pretend that it's funny. Except that the third season theme song doesn't really HAVE a tune. Oh, I don't give a flying banana.)
Aeryn, of course, didn't catch any of this, on account of the fact that she was transfixed by his biceps. Lilo was as well, but she was even more transfixed than Aeryn and at the moment looked like Aeryn would if she ever went into a sauna. John, however, was anything but, and at the moment was quite jealous.

Luckily for Darien, just at that moment a white module very similar in appearance to Farscape 1 landed on the sidewalk (at the moment, everyone was still in the taxi, and needless to say the driver was growing a bit impatient). Then, a man emerged from the module. His name was...DK!!

"What the frell was that?" Aeryn asked, annoyed

But no answer came, and the city was as silent as an empty leviathan, the cars moving soundlessly across the silent roads, and all the people sat silently on benches, silently reading "Silent Spring".

"DAKKI!" They all screamed at once, the people of Manhattan raising their faces to the sky and roaring with the power of a thousand prowlers.

A small sniffle resounded, as tiny and quiet as a food cube falling to the floor.

"Dakki," Aeryn said encouragingly "please talk to us. We miss you. Why are you being so dramatic?'

"I can no longer talk to you," the author said sadly, a single tear rolling down her face, as tiny and quiet as a food cube falling to the floor.

"You already used that metaphor," Lilo said, "or was it a simile?"

"I can't believe you don't know the difference between a metaphor and a simile," Aeryn snapped, now fully convinced that Crichton was a physics major compared to his peers, except that he was a physics major anyway.

"Oh, sure," Lilo said, " I can't even spell 'believe'."

Another slightly louder sniff resounded, as tiny and quiet as a slightly larger food cube falling to the floor.

"Oh. Right," Aeryn said, remembering the author, "why can't you talk to us?"

"Corde will sue me. Goodbye, Aeryn," Dakki said sadly.

"Oh, don't be ridiculous," Aeryn said, "Dakkifics and Cordefics are completely different. For instance, Corde uses fake endings and forty million chapters in each story, and each of her stories is technically only one chapter long by standards. The Alternate Dimensions Series is several chapters, with no chapters within, and it's all the same story. See what I mean? Also I'm a part of her personality, and you just talk to me. Okay? Now get back to the fic. And can I ask you a question?"

"Okay" Dakki said cheerfully.

"Why did you have to bring in DK?"

"It's a plot development. Besides, if I didn't do something to distract John he would hit Darien over the head repeatedly with something rather heavy," Dakki sniffed.

John rushed over to DK, happy to see his friend who Lilo thinks is kind of cute (too many food cubes is probably the source of that dire miscalculation).

After that, Aeryn would have been free to look at Darien, but unfortunately she was unable to do so because at that moment Lilo dragged him deep into the bowels of the Metropolitan Museum Of Art. After Aeryn had pointed her pulse rifle and the taxi driver until he stopped asking for money and drove off, she went to go and find Crichton. Unfortunately, Crichton had gone off with DK to a bar or something, so Aeryn was left to stand on the sidewalk (it can be said that it was just not Aeryn's lucky day). After Aeryn had shot at pigeons for a while, she decided to go find Chi and D'Argo, deciding that they would enjoy this activity, and also it was kind of boring to shoot pigeons by yourself.

"I'm not THAT violent, you know," Aeryn said angrily."I know," Dakki said tragically, "but I made all the characters technicolor versions of themselves, and Crichton is basically an idiot."

"What did you do that for?" Aeryn asked curiously, "Hey! I wasn't being curious."

"I can only make characters do stuff that seems natural for them if I invented them," said Dakki, "besides," she concluded, "it's funnier that way."

"Oh, I didn't think of that," said Aeryn.


Back at the Met, Darien and Lilo were getting along famously. They were currently in the room containing all the Greek statues, and it could be said that Venus de Milo (does Venus de Milo live at the Met? I don't really care) was looking at them a bit strangely.

At that point they were discussing the Quicksilver gland and Lilo's theory as to how when two people are Quicksilvered and they touch each other the effects of the Quicksilver gland cancel each other out and both people become unQuicksilvered, if that actually is a word.

Well, Darien was so intrigued by this concept that he immediately fell madly in love with Lilo. It was at this point that Darien began wishing that he had a pool table handy, since we all know that Darien uses his pool table for purposes that do not quite fall into the category of "pool".

What followed in the course of that night is impossible to transcribe, partially because this series is rated PG-13, and also because at that point the author decided that then was as good a time as ever to stop being omnipotent, something that Lilo had recommended in a manner that can hardly be called polite.


After Aeryn had retrieved Chi and D'Argo, and also Rygel, just for good measure, and showed them the joys of shooting pigeons (Rygel enjoyed this more than anyone else, which isn't all that surprising, considering his behavior in "Infinite Possibilities"), John turned up, sans DK.
At this, Aeryn dragged John into the Met and took him into the Egypt room. On the way, she passed the room with the Grecian statues, and, upon seeing Darien without his shirt on, once she was done swooning, an idea spawned in her mind.

"You just stay here, John," she said hurriedly, sitting Crichton down inside the temple. Since John was kind of drunk, he didn't try to follow her.

Aeryn ran over to the gift shop and, upon finding what she wanted, took a couple kits and skipped back to Crichton.

"What are you doing...?" Crichton asked vaguely, upon finding that Aeryn was taking his shirt off.

"Shh. Now, don't get any weird ideas. I want you to do something for me, to prove that you love me," Aeryn said, attempting to open one of the kits with her teeth.


"I want you to wax your chest."

"WHAAAAAAAATT??" Crichton shrieked, sounding rather like a girl.

"Shhh. Be quiet." Aeryn began, attempting to explain her motives, "You see, on the way over here I saw Darien without his shirt on, and I got to thinking that maybe you were just a bit too furry. I mean, look at Darien...actually, don't; you might kill him. But anyway, I was thinking that maybe if we got rid of some of that hair then it would do a world of difference. Besides,' she added, beginning to spread the wax on the first strip, "you're pretty drunk. It won't hurt too much."

"But, baby, I-" Crichton slurred, trying to find the vocabulary to tell Aeryn that having your chest waxed was ten times worse than a Pantac jab any day of the week.
"Oh, be quiet," Aeryn said, pressing the first strip onto his chest, "How would you know that ithurts, anyway?"

"Some of my past girlfriends have had very twisted ideas of fun."

"O-kayy, that was just way too much information."


(It should be noted that at this moment a night security guard wandered in and, upon finding a girl with a gun waxing some guy's chest, decided that it would probably be a good idea to go get some coffee, and subsequently didn't bother them. This was probably the best decision he could have made, since most judges would probably be stumped as to what type of sentencing to give someone for waxing an astronaut's chest in the middle of the night in a museum, and understandably so.)


At that moment Lilo and Darien were lying in a bed that had magically appeared there, courtesy of the unappreciated fanfic author. Lilo had insisted that they do things in bed because she was afraid that if they didn't Darien might catch a scary Museum Disease that would scar his perfect physique.

"You make me forget I have a Quicksilver gland in my head, Lilo," he said, giving her his best Soap Opera Look.

"Well, duh, she has one too," Dakki said, bursting into the room.

"Since WHEN?" Lilo demanded, in her best Valley Girl voice.

"Since....forever." Dakki said definitively

"Oh," said Lilo, "Then why don't you make me Quicksilver?"

'Because, the ah, um, the ah..." Dakki began, looking less than composed, "well, the ah er ah er ah er ah er ah er ah er ah er ah er ah er ah er..."

"Well, you see, Lilo has theory that when two people are Quicksilvered and they touch, which we've been doing a lot of tonight, they cancel each other out and thusly appear to not be Quicksilvered," Darien said.

"Ah, that makes sense," said Lilo, once again not giving any credit to the unappreciated fanfic author.

After this brief exchange, Dakki went off to the Egypt room to see how Crichton was doing, once again wishing that she had never started this endeavor in the first place.

"But think of all the JOY you're bringing to the LITTLE people," Lilo called out between passionate kisses.

"How did you DO that?" Dakki asked curiously.

"Oh, read your thoughts? You project them with you telepathetic powers," Lilo said dissmissively.

"Ah," said Dakki, "by the way, who ARE the little people?" she asked curiously.

"Everyone who isn't us, dahling," Lilo managed to get out before Darien needed her attention again.

"Oh," said Dakki, and wandered off, being careful not to make any sudden moves.


"Now, that wasn't too bad, was it?" Aeryn asked, pulling the last strip off with a loud rrriiipp.

"You don't have to do that every single time, you know," Aeryn said, rolling her eyes.

"Well it HURTS," Crichton said, glowering, "why don't YOU try it?"

"Fine. I'm sure it's quite painless," Aeryn said, smirking.

Well, at this point, Crichton had just had it. He had had to sit in a raft for four hours drenched incold water, listen to a redheaded chick sing medleys of eighties hits, been Pantac Jabbed nine times in two days, and no he had just had his chest waxed. Enough was enough.

"What is the MATTER with you people?" he bellowed, his voice only increasing in volume due to the excellent acoustics of the Metropolitan Museum Of Art.

"You said that in the premiere, John. You're plagiarizing yourself," Aeryn said calmly, pressing a strip onto her thigh.


"AIIIIIII-YIIIIIIIIIIIIII-YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII- YIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII!!" She shrieked, sounding remarkably like Xena, except that the author doesn't exactly remember how Xena's warrior thingy goes, since she hasn't watched any reruns or anything ever since the finale when Xena got her head chopped off by some Japanese guys instead of riding into the sunset with Gabby.

"Told you," Crichton said, smirking.

"Actually, I was just trying to imitate Xena," she said, wincing noticeably, "that didn't hurt at all."

"Sure," Crichton said, not sounding very sincere.

Suddenly, Rygel sauntered in, but this time he was not alone. He was with another Hynerian, and the Hynerian's name was...CANDI HOLIDAY!!

"What a coincidence," Aeryn said flatly.

"Well, do you have ANY idea how hard it is to come up with alien names?" Dakki shrieked.

"We do a lot of shrieking around here, don't we?" Crichton said.

Suddenly, everyone else sauntered in, except of course for Lilo, since it is impossible to saunter in any way shape or form when Darien is carrying you.

Then, for no conceivable reason, Darien burst out laughing, the source of his merriment obviously being some aspect of Crichton's appearance. He just managed to hold on to Lilo, and the only reason for this was that Lilo had climbed up on top of Darien's shoulders and had her arms wrapped around his neck.

"What?" Crichton asked dumbly.

"!!" Darien managed to choke out in between bursts of hysterical laughter.

"Oh, and you don't," Aeryn snapped, managing to sound incredibly patronizing despite the fact that tears were running down her face.

'Nope," Lilo said happily, "He's naturally HAIR FREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!"

"Hey, anyone for brunch? I'm buying," Darien said calmly.

Everyone stared at the weird shirtless guy for a second, and we can be sure that Aeryn briefly considered killing him, but decided that brunch was just too good to pass up. So they all trooped out of the Metropolitan Museum Of Art, all ready for some food and undoubtedly wondering how they had ended up in this situation.


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DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.