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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.




SUMMARY: Read the title! This happened at 1am beyond my control. The basic premise is, what if Moya had chatrooms I know. Stupid concept. But who the frell cares?? It's silly, it has no plot whatsoever, and requires very little brain cells to read it! Enjoy!

RATING: PG to PG-13 for, um cyber-suggestiveness =)

DISCLAIMER: I do not own the characters, but the story is mine unfortunately

SETTINGS/SPOILERS: The setting is um well, I suppose it has to be AU, doesn't it All characters included but Zhaan, so figure it out Um spoils just about everything. It's just bizarre, really

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is NOT my fault. It is partially Eve's fault for quoting randomly at me all night. Pilot's "So sorry" line was hers. Anyway, I was meant to be writing my "Fractures" fic, and this appeared It's even got Jool/Crais shipping (Eve made me do it!) because it's just funny. Oh, and I know you spell it "Erp", but I figure John being who he is, and me being too clever for my own good, he'd spell it "Earp" as a reference to Wyatt Earp Whatever I think most of the names should be obvious. If anyone's that desperate, I'll put a list up, but it shouldn't be necessary. Um yes. Read on, and review if you're brave enough. Flames fully expected =)

The Great Big "What If?"

© T'eyla Minh 2002


*Room - Terrace - 2 guests*

*Moyapilot has entered the room*

Moyapilot: Greetings.

Earpboy: Hey Pilot.

PKChick: John, I don't understand the purpose of this

PKChick: Hello Pilot.

Earpboy: It's meant to be fun, Aeryn, now just play along

Moyapilot: How is everybody?

Earpboy: I'm good.

PKChick: How is this meant to be fun?

Earpboy: Aeryn, you gotta keep up!

PKChick: Oh, frell you, Crichton I can't use this keyboard thing

*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*

Bannick_the_Stark: Hello.

Earpboy: Yo, Stark. Aeryn, you'll get used to it

PKChick: Hello, Stark.

Earpboy: What's with the name?

Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan told me to do it.

*PKChick rolls eyes*

PKChick: I'm sure

Moyapilot: We like your name, Stark.

Earpboy: We? I never said *I* liked it.

PKChick: I think he means him and Moya.

Moyapilot: Officer Sun is right.

Earpboy: You so smart!

*Earpboy huggles PKChick*

PKChick: You should be very glad we're not in the same room, Crichton.

Earpboy: Um we are

PKChick: You KNOW what I meant.

Bannick_the_Stark: Did I miss anything important?

Earpboy: Nah.

Moyapilot: Nothing of importance has occurred.

Bannick_the_Stark: Oh, good.

Bannick_the_Stark: I don't understand your name, Aeryn.

PKChick: Crichton chose it. Ask him.

Earpboy: It would take too long. Just live with it.

Moyapilot: I will DRD.

PKChick: DRD??

Earpboy: I think he means BRB.

PKChick: You and your frelling abbreviations

*Moyapilot has left the room*

Earpboy: Oh, shaddup! It's not like anyone ever told me what DRD stands for, anyway

PKChick: Your deficient little brain couldn't cope with it

*Earpboy sticks out tongue*

Earpboy: I thought we'd gone beyond that kind of petty insult.

Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan would not approve of such bickering

Earpboy: For God's sake, Stark, shut up! Zhaan's dead. Get over it!

Bannick_the_Stark: No.

Bannick_the_Stark: Not dead.

Bannick_the_Stark: I can hear her

*PKChick slaps Bannick_the_Stark*

Bannick_the_Stark: Ow.

PKChick: Shut up.

*Moyapilot has entered the room*

Earpboy: Finally! Pilot, please bring some sanity to this place!

PKChick: Yes, please do. I'm the only sane one left in here

Earpboy: Hey! Just cos you don't have a chip in *your* brain

PKChick: That's your excuse for everything.

Earpboy: Pilot, you're quiet. Something wrong?

*Moyapilot shakes head*

Moyapilot: Rbrtuyjomh od gomr.

PKChick: ?

Earpboy: Uh 'kay

Earpboy: Pilot, what in the name of Kirk *was* that??

Moyapilot: So sorry

Moyapilot: I appear to have hit the wrong keys

*Earpboy laughs*

Earpboy: And I thought Aeryn was bad. I dunno, you can pilot a Leviathan, but you can't type

*PKChick beats the dren out of Earpboy*

Earpboy: Hey! I didn't mean it!

PKChick: Just you wait, Crichton. You're going to pay for that.

Earpboy: Ooh?

Earpboy: Promise or a threat, honey?

PKChick: Both.

Earpboy: Cool.

PKChick: You know I can kick your eema from one end of the UT to the other

Earpboy: Yeah I love you too

*PKChick smacks Earpboy upside the head*

Earpboy: Aeryn, if you keep this up, we'll have to go somewhere else

PKChick: I'm warning you, John!

*Moyapilot separates PKChick and Earpboy*

Moyapilot: This is most interesting It appears you all revert into younger versions of yourselves in here.

Moyapilot: I like it. And Moya finds it most amusing.

*CapnB has entered the room*

Earpboy: Evenin' Crais.

CapnB: Is she in here?

PKChick: Is who in here?

CapnB: Jool.

Bannick_the_Stark: We haven't seen her.

Earpboy: Damn, Stark, are you *still* here?? Can't you go and bother Chiana or something?

Bannick_the_Stark: I think I will

*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*

Earpboy: Finally

CapnB: But is she in here?

Earpboy: No, Stark was right. She ain't here.

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

Earpboy: Well, she wasn't

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bialar, are you in here?

CapnB: No.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Good.

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl huggles CapnB*

CapnB: Will you desist?!

Earpboy: What's the matter, Crais, don't you wuv your lil Joolee any more?

CapnB: Shut up, Crichton.

Earpboy: Why's everyone so against me today?

PKChick: Because you're an idiot

*Eve has entered the room*

*Eve huggles Earpboy*

*Eve has left the room*

Earpboy: What the frell was that?

PKChick: Yes, what was that?

Earpboy: Oooh! Aeryn's jealous.

CapnB: Oh, are you two *still* doing this? Every frelling time I come in here

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That could be us.

CapnB: Go away!

*CapnB has left the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Oh :*(

Moyapilot: Don't cry, Joolushka. I still like you.

Earpboy: You like everyone.

Moyapilot: No I don't.

Moyapilot: I don't like Peacekeepers.

Moyapilot: Except for Aeryn.

Moyapilot: But she's not really a Peacekeeper

Earpboy: We get the picture!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: You like me?

Moyapilot: Yes.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: That's sweet Pilot. Did you see where Crais went?

Moyapilot: My DRDs are detecting he is in the Apothecary room.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Thanks, Pilot!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

*Minh has entered the room*

Minh: anyone seen a girl named eve around here?

PKChick: Who are you?

Minh: random fan-girl

Earpboy: Eve she came in and hugged me then ran off again. Weird.

Minh: ah thanks. sorry about that, she thinks you're beautiful.

Earpboy: Me?

Minh: yeah weird anyway, did you see where she went?

PKChick: No.

Minh: okay oh, and you guys had better frellin' hurry up the shippers are going crazy, you know

Earpboy: I've been saying the same damn thing for months um monens

Minh: i'm meant to be writing a bloody angstfic! gotta go! john, think angsty thoughts, would ya?

*Minh has left the room*

Earpboy: Pilot, we have GOT to get better security around here

Moyapilot: Yes. Moya agrees.

PKChick: What are we supposed to be hurrying up with?

Earpboy: I could show you if you'd let me near you

PKChick: I'm sure. No.

Earpboy: Aw, come *on*! What does it frelling *take* with you?

PKChick: Stick around long enough and you'll find out.


Earpboy: I wasn't expecting that.

Moyapilot: Nor was I.

*CapnB has entered the room*

Earpboy: WB, Crais. Didja lose her?

*CapnB wheezes*

CapnB: I believe so. For now.

PKChick: Perhaps if you change your name...

CapnB: That's a good idea.

CapnB: Excuse me a microt.

*CapnB has left the room*

*XhalaxSun has entered the room*

PKChick: That's not funny, Crais.

XhalaxSun: Frell

*XhalaxSun has left the room*

Earpboy: I guess originality isn't high on his list of priorities.

*Talynpilot has entered the room*

Talynpilot: Sorry, Pilot. Best I could do.

Moyapilot: I do not mind, Captain.

*NerriSis has entered the room*

NerriSis: Hey.

Earpboy: Hey, Chi, how's it hangin'?

NerriSis: Um

*NerriSis looks down*

NerriSis: Mind your own frellin' business!

Earpboy: I didn't mean Never mind

PKChick: I thought you were with D'Argo.

NerriSis: I was he disappeared. I think Stark was annoying him.

PKChick: So you decided to come and annoy us? How considerate.

Talynpilot: If you see Jool, I'm not here.

NerriSis: Is that Crais?

*Earpboy nods*

NerriSis: Gee. Never woulda guessed

Moyapilot: Hello, Chiana. Sorry. I was multi-tasking.

NerriSis: Hi, Pilot.

Talynpilot: Remember, I'm not here.

Earpboy: Okay, we got it, you're not here!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Did I miss him again?

PKChick: Yes

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Why does he hate me?? Why?

NerriSis: How many reasons do you want?

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Shut up, Chiana!

NerriSis: No, you shut up!

Earpboy: Hey, ladies?

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: No, you!

NerriSis: You!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bitch!

NerriSis: Tralk!

Earpboy: GIRLS!

*Moyapilot separates Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*

*Moyapilot is still separating PKChick and Earpboy*

Moyapilot: I never knew four arms could be so useful.

Earpboy: You're an upholding member of society, Pilot

*PKChick groans*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Just out of interest, who's flying the ship?

Moyapilot: I will have to put two of you down.

Moyapilot: Aeryn, John, if you stop fighting, it will be you.

Earpboy: Deal.

PKChick: Yes.

*Moyapilot releases Earpboy and PKChick*

Moyapilot: No more fighting.

PKChick: Thank you, Pilot.

Earpboy: Ditto.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Pilot, you're hurting me.

NerriSis: Me too.

Moyapilot: I apologise. Do you promise not to fight?

*NerriSis nods*

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl nods*

*Moyapilot releases Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*

NerriSis: Thanks.

*NerriSis pulls Screaming_Boolite_Girl's hair*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Hey!

NerriSis: If you wanna fight, you're gonna have to catch me first!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Fine!

*NerriSis has left the room*

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: FRELL!

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

*Talynpilot comes out from under the table*

Talynpilot: Is it safe?

PKChick: All clear, Crais.

Earpboy: Hehehe. The big bad PK Captain is afraid of our little Jool?

Talynpilot: She's insatiable!

Earpboy: She seems to really like you. I can't think why.

Talynpilot: For your information, Crichton, she liked you until she met me

Earpboy: For your information, Crais, Aeryn liked you until she met me

PKChick: For your information, I don't like either of you.

Moyapilot: Do you like me?

PKChick: Of course, Pilot.

Talynpilot: Why don't you like me?

PKChick: Would you settle for "Irreversibly contaminated"?? Or would you prefer another reason?

Talynpilot: Fair enough.

Earpboy: Well, fine, but what did I do?

PKChick: Same answer.

Earpboy: Yeah. But I didn't do it on purpose!

PKChick: Actually, I've never liked you, Crichton.

Earpboy: Genetically compatible, babe

PKChick: You're never going to let me forget that, are you?

Earpboy: Nope.

*DominarXVI has entered the room*

Earpboy: Besides, it was *you* who kissed *me* in the module, not the other way around.

PKChick: You kissed me back!

Earpboy: What, you'd rather I ran away?

PKChick: Well, no but stop turning everything I say around!

Earpboy: I'm not!

DominarXVI: Have you no respect?

Earpboy: Hey, Stinky.

DominarXVI: Apparently not.

DominarXVI: If I was back on Hyneria, people would be bowing down! They'd be subservient, and obey my every command!

Earpboy: Um, sure, whatever, Ryge

Earpboy: Aeryn, I'm not turning everything you say around! I'm just saying, it was *your* fault!

PKChick: It's never my fault, Crichton

Earpboy: I know you only blame me to make yourself feel big

Talynpilot: Is this going to go on much longer?

PKChick: No, I only blame you because it's always your fault.

Earpboy: Ouch

DominarXVI: Will you two just frell and get it over with! You're driving us all fahrbot!

Earpboy: That's the best advice you've given all day, Sparky!

DominarXVI: I think I'm going to vomit.

*DominarXVI has left the room*

*HeavyD has entered the room*

Earpboy: Hey, D'Argo.

Moyapilot: Hello, Ka D'Argo.

Talynpilot: Likewise.

HeavyD: Finally!

PKChick: What?

HeavyD: The frelling thing wouldn't let me in! I think Chiana did something.

PKChick: Ah

PKChick: That would explain why she wasn't with you earlier

Earpboy: I'd give the girl some credit. She caught on the fastest out of all of you. Imagine Chi's already a prime hacker, Crais is changin' names like there's no tomorrow, and Pilot's doing actions.

Earpboy: Aeryn, I thought you were meant to be the smart one!

*PKChick smacks Earpboy*

Earpboy: Exactly how many bruises are you trying to make?

PKChick: 46.

Earpboy: WHY?

PKChick: Dunno. Seems like a good number.

Earpboy: Fine how many are you up to?

PKChick: 10.

Earpboy: 10?

PKChick: 10.

HeavyD: Can I add some?

Earpboy: No you frelling can't!

HeavyD: Why not?

PKChick: You'll damage him.

Earpboy: Um and you *can* damage me why?

PKChick: I'm your grunt, remember?

Earpboy: What IS that, anyway?

PKChick: Doesn't matter.

PKChick: Anyway, D'Argo can't damage you, because if he does, there'll be nothing left for *me* to damage

*HeavyD laughs*

Moyapilot: I could hold him steady for you, if you wish.

PKChick: Thank you, Pilot. It won't be necessary

Talynpilot: I'd add some bruises myself, but I'd rather just watch

Earpboy: Thanks. All gang up on the Human

Earpboy: Ew, Crais!

Talynpilot: What?

Earpboy: Oh sorry. I thought you meant something else

*PKChick slaps Earpboy*

Earpboy: That makes 11...

PKChick: You're disgusting.

*NerriSis has entered the room*

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has entered the room*

HeavyD: Chiana!!

NerriSis: Uh-oh

HeavyD: What the frell did you do?? It took me seventeen attempts to get in here!

NerriSis: I didn't do anything!

Earpboy: Does anybody else *not* believe her?

PKChick: Me.

Talynpilot: And me.

Moyapilot: I know for a fact it was Chiana. I just do not know how.

NerriSis: Pilot!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Oooh! Busted.

NerriSis: Shut your FRELLING mouth!

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: No.

Talynpilot: Here we go again

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: Bialar???

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl giggles happily and tackle hugs Talynpilot*

Talynpilot: Oh, no

Talynpilot: Uh, I mean Bialar who?

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: I know it's you.

Talynpilot: It's not me um him. I don't know who you are.

PKChick: You're such a terrible liar, Crais even when we can't hear you.

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: I *knew* it was you!

Talynpilot: Thank you, Aeryn. Thank you so very much

Earpboy: Ooh, I love it when you stab your ex-Captain in the back

PKChick: You know, those other 35 bruises could turn into a stab wound of your own

Earpboy: Point taken.

*Earpboy surrenders*

Earpboy: I'm all yours.

NerriSis: You're frelled :D

Earpboy: Chance would be a fine thing

*DominarXVI has entered the room*

DominarXVI: Oh, please, are you STILL at it?

HeavyD: Rygel, there's stuff missing from my quarters. I want it back by tomorrow or that throne sled will be riding *you*.

DominarXVI: Frell you, Luxan. Why don't you try Chiana's quarters?

Moyapilot: It wasn't Chiana.

NerriSis: Thanks, Pilot! You know I love you, really

*Minh has entered the room*

PKChick: You again?? How are you getting in?

Minh: beats me

Minh: anyhoo, i was wondering if you guys could, um, get out of my brain for a microt?

Earpboy: I wasn't aware we were in there

Minh: oh, yeah, you are. trust me. it's just, it's like one in the frelling morning, and i want to go to bed, and i have to finish this damn thing first. so, could you all vamoose? skidaddle? scarper?

PKChick: John, I get the impression you're the only one this makes any sense to

Minh: get the frell outta here!

Earpboy: Okay, geez! Just give us a few minutes

Minh: you've had arns oh, fine you've got 120 microts, then it ends whether you're out or not.

*Minh has left the room*

HeavyD: Who was that?

Earpboy: Looooong story.

HeavyD: Well, I have to go anyway. Rygel, you'd better pray you get to your quarters before me

Earpboy: Bye, dude.

*HeavyD has left the room*

*DominarXVI has left the room*

Talynpilot: I should go, too

Screaming_Boolite_Girl: If you're going, I'm going.

Talynpilot: Crichton, I hold you personally responsible for this

*Talynpilot has left the room*

*Screaming_Boolite_Girl has left the room*

Moyapilot: I have multi-tasking to attend to. Goodbye, Aeryn, Commander.

PKChick: Goodbye, Pilot.

Earpboy: See ya.

*Moyapilot has left the room*

NerriSis: I don't suppose either of you guys want me around And anyway, if I'm last to leave, the entire thing will crash.

Earpboy: Woo! Go, Chi!

NerriSis: I thought you'd like that. Have fun, you two!

*NerriSis has left the room*

Earpboy: I guess that just leaves us

PKChick: Yes we've overstayed our 120 microts.

Earpboy: As it's us, I think she'll let us off.

PKChick: I suppose.

PKChick: John?

Earpboy: Yeah?

PKChick: Where exactly are you?

Earpboy: I was going to ask you the same thing. Seems kinda pointless now, doesn't it?

PKChick: Yes. I'm in Command.

Earpboy: I'm on the actual Terrace.

PKChick: Stay there.

Earpboy: Why?

PKChick: I have a surprise for you.

Earpboy: Is it more bruises?

PKChick: Maybe maybe not

Earpboy: Interesting

Earpboy: Okay, I'll stay put.

PKChick: And I'll be right there.

*PKChick has left the room*

Earpboy: Whaddaya know online romances *do* work after all

*Earpboy has left the room*

*Bannick_the_Stark has entered the room*

Bannick_the_Stark: Hello?

Bannick_the_Stark: Oh

Blue: Hello, Stark.

Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan?!

Blue: Yes, Stark. I have been here the whole time.

Bannick_the_Stark: I knew it! I knew it I knew it! They didn't believe me!

Blue: Stark?

Bannick_the_Stark: Yes?

Blue: You're doing it again

Bannick_the_Stark: It's another hallucination?

Blue: I'm afraid so.

Bannick_the_Stark: Oh

*Bannick_the_Stark has left the room*

*Room - Terrace - no guests*

Thank God that's all over. You have no idea how long it wanted to be If you're all still alive and coherent, please review. Thank you. If you review, I promise not to do this again

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.