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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.




Rating: U (blimey, a harmless story *faints in disbelief*)


Father Agnostius looked warily from the excitable children, to his monks, and finally back to the Holy Relic, in its glass case. He gave the nod to Brother Atheus.

"Calm down children." Brother Atheus had always been good where the children were concerned. "I know you have come to hear the tale of the Holy Relic, but if you do not behave, Father Agnostius will not tell you."

There were the sounds of loud protests, but eventually the children slid into crosslegged positions on the cold stone floor of the monastery. After that, the only signs of dissention were the slight twitches of stubby proto-wings. Except for the child, sat off to the side who had no wings. No matter, it happened from time to time, Father Agnostius reminded himself. He cleared his throat loudly.

"Good morning, children. I trust you are well?"

Their heads bobbed curtly as one.

"Good. Then I shall begin"

"Our tale begins Offworld, aboard the heavenly steed of St. John. It is a long time ago, before any of you were born."

The children gaped in amazement, as if such a thing were not possible.

"St. John had been living on the steed for a mere three cycles, having come from the divine palace of Erp."

"What does Erp look like?" one of the children asked.

Father Agnostius tutted loudly. "It is not our place to ask, little one. Now, please, I would appreciate it if no one else would interrupt.

"Amongst the many peoples that had also lived on the steed at one time or another were St. John's travelling companions: the Grey Lady Chi, the wrathful Dar-Go, the trickster Wry-Gel, the one they call Jool, and the Heavenly Lady Air-N-Sun.

"One day, St. John awoke in his divine quarters, refreshed from sleep, as heavenly beings did in those long ago days, and arose. It was a quiet day, as few were, for often, St. John was being hunted by the Mysterious Devils, the PKs, as he called them, who wanted to take over the divine palace of Erp for their evil doings.

"Now, it came to pass with time, that St. John noticed a strange growth upon the left hand of his perfect being. He did not know what it was, as heavenly beings are uncorrupted by that which afflicts mortals. It looked familiar to him, however, but he decided to ask the counsel of his fellow companions.

"They were just as befuddled as St. John himself, which does not happen often, as divine beings, such as he, know all and see all." Father Agnostius paused. It never hurt to put the fear of God into the children. After all, it was how he had been brought up. " 'So,' quoth he, 'you be telling me that I be having a case of space measles?'

"The Heavenly Lady Air-N-Sun began to laugh, as she was often much amused by things St. John said, as she came from the divine palace of Sebacea, which is a much different place from the divine palace of Erp, but no less important.

" 'No,' sayth the one they call Jool, 'Space measles are being yellow.'

" 'Whatever it be, be keeping it away from me,' sayth the trickster. This action caused St. John to first wave his afflicted hand under Wry-Gel's nose, and then rub it all over his head, in some unexplained divine Erp custom. This angered the trickster much, but St. John was one for the devilment, despite his divinity.

" 'I be thinking the only course of action are being to cure it before it be infecting us all,' sayth Dar-Go, in a rare and precious moment of calmness.

" 'Hell yeah,' agreeth St. John. 'I be not prepared to look like I be growing a twin.'

"And all the divine beings groaned, for it is told in another tale, of how St. John was split in two, which, as these things often do, ended in sorrow. But that is for another time, perhaps when you are all older.

"And so the one they call Jool, took St. John to the Healing Place, of which she was Mistress, and tried many things to cure St. John. Sadly there was nothing amongst her sacred poultices and potions that would rid St. John of his affliction.

" 'What about the Parmit Gel?' asketh he, frustrated, as divine beings sometimes are.

" 'I already be trying that, and I not be wanting to be touching it again. It may be being infectious,' replieth she.

"And so St. John did not know what to do.

"It came to pass that the divine beings rode on their steed to Agnracar, and the Heavenly Lady Air-N-Sun suggested to St. John that the local peoples of the main continent may have something that would cure his holy affliction. But she warned him that there was a strong presence on Agnracar of the Mysterious Devils, so they must be careful, since the Devils would tell the one who is like a scorpion of St. John's presence."

The children oohed and ahh-ed. Father Agnostius knew that at some time or another, they would have been told that if they did not behave, the one who walked like Death, and who resembled a scorpion, would come to punish them.

"They took their heavenly steed to Agnracar, and made their way to the surface of the main continent. By divine chance, they came to rest outside a small village where the Mysterious Devils had not yet been.

"Now, as time passed, it became clear that the local peoples were scared of something, but it was not the Mysterious Devils.

"The Grey Lady Chi found out, with her wiles and charms, that it was a terrible beast. This beast had nine eyes, five legs, a whip like tail, and a slavering mouth with rows upon rows of blood stained teeth. It had killed many of the peoples of Agnracar, and the Grey Lady Chi suggested that perhaps they took the divine steed elsewhere. The Heavenly Lady Air-N-Sun, who had many of the mivonks, decided they would stay, as they had still not found a cure for St. John's affliction.

"When the sun was high in the sky, and the divine ones had settled down for the day, the beast appeared. Of course, it had never seen their divine selves before, and made a course straight for them. The Heavenly Lady Air-N-Sun tried to kill it with her little bolts of yellow light. However, this did not harm the beast, as its hide was as thick as an army of men. Then, with its horrible jaws open, it reached St. John, and clamped its slavering mouth around his left hand. Of course, this greatly upset St. John, as the divine beings of the palace of Erp cannot regrow their limbs. Then the beast collapsed, taking St. John with it, as his hand was still in its mouth. Dar-go opened the mouth of the beast, and St. John withdrew his hand. To all their surprise, the affliction was gone from his perfect being, and the beast of Agnracar was slain." Father Agnostius paused again.

"What happened after that?" the child with no wings piped up.

"The divine beings thanked the peoples of Agnracar and returned to their holy steed for many cycles." He turned slightly so that the Holy Relic was visible in its glass case. It contained a rather too large red velvet cushion, trimmed with gold. Upon the cushion sat a rather old, but extremely well preserved piece of brown coloured skin.

"And that, my children," said Father Agnostius proudly, "is the tale of St. John's Wart."

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.