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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.





Author's Note: Yes, I know that I should be focusing on Farscape Is A Girl's Best Friend, but I got a great idea for a sillyfic and felt the need to share it. The idea is, of course, What Would Happen If Farscape Briefly Turned Into A Soap Opera? Bear in mind that I got this idea at eleven p.m. while I was watching "Law & Order", after having just eaten half a pint of Neapolitan ice cream. What can I sayideas that seem like the best thing since pre-sliced cheese in the middle of the night really don't hold their own the next morning, but I thought I'd do this anyway. After all, you know me-I'll pretty much do anything if it means putting off writing the next chapter of my current fanfic.

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters on Farscape, but I do own Aeryn's negligee. This fic is set right after Fractures, when Aeryn is still in denial and everyone on the ship is going through a very angsty period. And no, this is not a parody of any particular soap opera just soap operas in general. Enjoy.


It was typical day on Moya. Aeryn hated Crichton, Crichton loved Aeryn, Jool was annoying, D'Argo was violent, Chi was a tralk, Moya waswella bio- mechanoid, Pilot loved Moya, Zhaan was dead, Stark was insane but thankfully not there at the moment, Rygel was counting food cubes, and Crais was Crais. Just a typical day on Moya. And then, for no reason at all, Farscape turned into a soap opera, or rather, a space opera. No one knows why this happened. But soon after this change took place, strange things started happening(dun-dun-dunnnn)

At that point, John and Aeryn were in the maintenance bay, working on their implements of destruction and making a point of not talking to one another. Then, for no particular reason, Aeryn looked out the window and saw a commerce planet looming in the distance. And for some reason, right than, she became incredibly scared.

Without further ado, Aeryn jumped into Crichton's arms and began crying hysterically, burying her face in his black tee-shirt.

"Oh, John" she sobbed, "I'msoscared"

Needless to say, this kinda confused Crichton. "But, Aeryn" he said, "I always thought you were the roughest, toughest, Peacekeeper this side ofBetelgeuse."

"Oh, John," Aeryn said softly, rising her head, her mane of ebony hair tumbling down her back,"I always thought that too. But now, I realizeit's so frightening, facing the world without a man to hold my hand and tell me I will be all right. I love you, John! I love you more than life itself!" she finished melodramatically.

"And I love you, Aeryn," Crichton said, looking off into the distance, "I love you more than I have ever loved anyone before. And now let us make love, right her in the maintenance bay, to consummate our love for one another!"

And so Aeryn and Crichton consummated their love for one another, right there in the maintenance bay. But then, suddenly, Crais walked in(dun-dun- dunnnn)

Crais fell to his knees and raised his face to theumceiling. "AERYN!!" he roared with all his might, his fists clenched. He lowered his head and looked at Aeryn, his eyes bloodshot. "Aeryn, from the minute I laid eyes on you, I loved you. I tried to hide my obsession by trying to kill you a few hundred times, but now that I am on Moya, I cannot resist you any longer. And yet you consummate your love with this human. But I know that deep down inside you will always love me."

"Oh, Crais," Aeryn said, getting up from the floor, "I have always loved you too. But I always thought that you did not love me, and so I hid my affection. But now that I know my love will be returned" she wiped a tear from her eye and bounded into Crais' arms, leaving Crichton to work on his implement of destruction.


Meanwhile, in his quarters, D'Argo was busy polishing his Q'Alta blade. He was so involved in his work that he didn't her Jool come in(dun-dun- dunnnn)

"Oh, D'Argo," Jool purred, leaning over D'Argo's Q'Alta blade, her silky orange hair brushing the table, "there's something I've been meaning to tell you" with this, she took his hand in hers and looked into his eyes, "I love you. I have ever since I came aboard Moya. I tried to hide it, because I was afraid of getting hurt, but nowI can conceal my affections no longer." Jool leaned in and kissed D'Argo passionately. "So if you do not feel the same way about me as I do about you, then say so. But I wanted you to know that I love you, and I always will until the day I die."

"Oh, Jool," D'Argo began, "I love you more than you could ever comprehend. So now let us consummate our love for each other by making love, right here in my quarters."


Meanwhile, in his quarters. Rygel was having a fine time counting food cubes. Suddenly, he noticed something strange about one of his walls.

"Pilot, is anything wrong with my quarters?" he asked, tapping his com.

"No," Pilot said, "I can't see anything wrong with them. What do you see?" he added. But by then, it was too late, because as it turned out one of the airlocks had been open, and Rygel had already been sucked out into the vast, empty vacuum of space.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!" Pilot bellowed, but it was to no avail, for Rygel was already gone forever, and it was too late for Pilot to tell him that he was secretly in love with him.


Just at that moment, Crichton was sitting in the maintenance bay, wallowing in fury and self-pity. To think, that just when he had gotten Aeryn back, just when he could see a light at the end of the tunnel, Crais had stepped in and stolen her away! Sometimes he felt like Crais just couldn't bear to see him happywell, he just wouldn't stand for it. He was going to do something about it!
Crichton picked up Wynona and set off to find Aeryn and Crais. He eventually came across them in the seventh tier, on the floor, consummating their love for one another. He couldn't hold it in any longer. Crichton let loose a barrage of, in his words, little yellow bolts of light, pummeling Crais until he fell, dead, a pool of blood spreading on the floor.

"WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?" Aeryn roared, slumping back against the wall, tears streaming down her face, "He was the only person I lovedandandYOU LET LOOSE A BARRAGE OF LITTLE YELLOW BOLTS OF LIGHT ON HIM! I will never forgive you, John. Never." She finished. And with that, she cut off all of her silken hair and buried her head in her hands. From where he stood, Crichton could of sworn he heard her murmuring, "I'll never let go, Crais. I'll never let go."


Meanwhile, in D'Argo's chambers, just as Jool and D'Argo were consummating their love for one another, Chiana walked in.

"Well, well, well," Chi murmured, surveying the scene laid out before her, "looks like the Princess is D'Argo's new tralk.

"I will not stand for this!" D'Argo roared, jumping to his feet and pulling his Q'Alta blade from the table, "You have taunted me for the last time."

Jool, seeing what he was about to do, jumped to her feet, "NOOOOOOOOOOO!" she screamed, jumping in slow-motion in front of Chiana to protect her from D'Argo's Q'Alta blade. D'Argo tried to pull back but it was too late, and his Q'Alta blade sliced through Jool's stomach, and she fell to the floor, screaming one last time before she died.

"What have I done?" D'Argo cried, raising his Q'Alta blade and plunging it into his chest.
And then, suddenly, the Arn was up and Farscape stopped being a soap opera. No one remembered what had happened, and everything went back to normal, although the remaining crew still wondered why Rygel, D'Argo, Crais, and Jool had died.

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.