THE SCENE
As filming is about to commence
the cast and crew gather around Kemper.
WHAT WENT WRONG!
KEMPER: Right, firstly I'd
like to welcome everyone back. Season 3 is going to be our best
yet, and it is my hope that we can translate the quality scripts
we have to the screen. Our primary concern is entertaining our
viewing public.
ROCKNE: I thought it was making
oodles of cash?
KEMPER: Obivously, that is
part of it, but I think we all agree that as artists, we have
an obligation to look beyond the monetary rewards and endeavour
as much as we can to make Farscape something special.
ROCKNE: So we can win awards?
KEMPER: Exactly. Now, before
we start, I'd like to address some issues that have been brought
to my attention. I think we're all very aware that the past two
season's filming has been somewhat tense. It is my hope that
we can once again bring harmony to the set. A happy set is a
productive set. (laughs) The first issue involves Ben.
CLAUDIA: There's a surprise!
KEMPER: Yes, well Claudia,
Ben has voiced his concerns about the level of respect he receives
on set. He feels that as he is the highest paid actor and was
in Memphis Belle he should be accorded a certain...?
BEN: Reverence?
KEMPER: Dignity. So from now
on none of the following terms will be used to describe him:
moron-
CLAUDIA: (sighs)
KEMPER: Twat, pervert, dickhead,
knobhead, wimp, monkey boy, rain man, idiot, prat, turnip, imbecile,
sports fan... well, it's an extensive list. I shall post it up
on the message board, and I expect you all to read it.
CLAUDIA: Not even spanner?
KEMPER: No. I'm afraid not.
That's on the list. (consults list) Number 137.
CLAUDIA: Damnit!
BEN: Woohoo!
KEMPER: Ok. Moving on. Second
point. Everyone will be frisked for firearms before they're allowed
on set. Quite frankly, I feel we've had more than enough gunfights.
CHARLTON HESTON: Damnit!
KEMPER: Point three. Livestock
shall be kept in the responsible parties trailer and not be paraded
around set in fetching womens clothing.
ANTH: But Gemima needs her
exercise.
KEMPER: Sorry. No exceptions.
Ok, point four. Though we respect the right of everyone here
to express themselves as they see fit, 'naked days' are proving
to be a sore point with some members of the staff. I'm sorry,
Jon.
JON: We'll see what my lawyer
has to say about that!
KEMPER: We've checked, and
I'm afraid we're covered. Now put some goddamned clothes on!
JON: (storms off set)
KEMPER: Ok everyone, this is
the last one. From now on I am no longer to be referred to as
David, or Kemper, or Mr. Kemper. From now on I shall be known
as simply, 'The Kemper'. Thank you all for your time. Have some
crumpets.
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