Each month, or so, Farscape
head-honcho and World's Strongest Beaver Farmer 1985, David Penelope
Kemper will share his thoughts on a wide range of topics here,
exclusively, at Crackers Matter.
SEPTEMBER 2002
I wish my second
contribution could come at a better time. As you can imagine,
things around here are very bleak at the moment. When I first
heard about the cancellation I was so shocked I forgot to wear
pants for three whole days. Over the past five years I have grown
to love this wonderful little show. I have made so many friends,
and executed so many enemies. I don't really know what I'm going
to do with myself now. My whole life revolved around Farscape,
and the thought of working on anything else (excluding 'The West
Wing' or 'Six Feet Under' - resume in the post) fills me with
an unutterable dread.
The end of
season party was a muted affair, save for Ben's speech. He spoke
with rare dignity, and when he had finished there was not a dry
eye in the place. Just like Ben to douse us all with tear gas.
How I'll miss him.
Seeing how
the fans have responded has left me and the rest of the team
in shock. We knew you were the best fans in the world, but we
never expected anything like this. Thank you especially to those
of you who've contributed to the Kemper Off-Shore Holdings Fund.
I can nearly buy a boat now.
Thank you all,
once again. Keep fighting the good fight, and as my mother always
used to say, 'Stop playing with yourself, David!'
Love you all!
xxx
MAY 2002
Hi, I'm David
Kemper. When Crackers Matter asked me to contribute to this fine
website, I leapt at the chance. I have much to say, and nowhere
to say it. So feel my wisdom!
THE QUEEN MUM
I was saddened
to hear of the passing of this fine woman. I mourn with you Britain.
But she shall live on, as I shall let you into a little secret.
Rygel. The Queen Mum. Do you see?
SANDWICHES
I like sandwiches.
My favourite is cheese.
QUEEN OF THE
DAMNED
I was disappointed
to see so much of Claudia's fine work end up on the cutting room
floor. She is a hugely talented actress, and deserves much success.
Fortunately, due to only having like two lines, her contract
negotiations were considerably less fraught than I feared they
would be, though we have had to put up with her moping about
the set like a big baby ever since.
SCIENTOLOGY
It's a bit
silly really.
KYLIE MINOGUE
Living and
working in Australia, I have come to know much of this Aussie
temptress. She does indeed have a fine ass, but I also find her
music both uplifting and tuneful. We have tried, unsuccessfully
so far, to get her to appear in Farscape. Instead we managed
to get Dannii. Oh, sorry.
IMMIGRANTS
I am horrified
by Australia's hard line stance on illegal immigrants. How the
bloody hell else am I going to get fifty low-paid workers willing
to work long hours in dangerous conditions?! It is a disgusting
abuse of human rights!
Thank you!
Come again!
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