06 August 2002
03 July 2002
01 June 2002
21 March 2002
14 March 2002
1 March 2002
12 May 2002
6th August 2002
The eagerly
awaited autobiography from Ben Browder, 'I Like Bunnies', has
had it's release date put back yet again after several excerpts
were leaked to Australian tabloid 'The Sydney Bastard'. In the
excerpts, Browder speaks frankly of his tumultuous relationship
with the other Farscape actors, particularly Claudia Black, whom
he describes as, "...a vindictive and smelly person with
small breasts and a regular facial shaving regime." Miss
Black's lawyers immediately launched an injunction. Mr. Browder
issued a statement through his greengrocer, in which he claims
there is a conspiracy afoot to stifle his literary genius.
*
Plans are afoot
to move the Farscape studios to Iraq. David Kemper, renowned
for his cost-cutting zeal, was photographed with Iraqi Entertainment
Minister, Bob Hope at a recent bathroom tile symposium in California.
The details are sketchy at present, but our source close to Kemper
say the deal is virtually concluded. In exchange for the use
of Baghdad's famous Paratroopermount Studios and unlimited access
to the various filming locations throughout the country, Kemper
has agreed to give Iraq the three Chechnyan suitcase atomic bombs
he won in last year's Farscape Christmas raffle.
*
Farscape Nights,
a late-night version of the show is in the final stages of pre-production
and execs expect shooting to commence in a matter of months.
So far, only Ben Browder has been confirmed to appear.
*
The Emmy nominations
are out. Farscape recieved a record 89 nominations and is expected
to sweep the board.
*
Raelee Hill
has confessed to a New Zealand women's magazine that since she
began working on Farscape, she has found her life changing immeasurably.
She said, "I thought it would be pretty much the same, but
since they started showing the fourth season in America, I have
been getting through four rolls of toilet paper a week, whereas
before it was never more than three."
3rd
July 2002
The Pope has
cited Farscape as his his favourite TV programme. In an article
in The Vatican Sport, he said, ' I particularly enjoy the character
Chiana. She is most luscious, and has a pair of wondrous knockers'.
Vatican officials are claiming His Holiness was misquoted.
*
Sci fi magazine
has recently completed it's survey on who watches Farscape. The
results make fascinating reading:
WHO WATCHES
FARSCAPE? [Sample size: 8000, Error margin: ±100%]
35% - Women
under 25
22% - Women
between 26-40
15% - Men between
25-40
10% - Belgians
07% - Women
over 40
04% - Men under
25
03% - Sheep
dogs
02% - Men over
40
01% - Men with
perms
01% - Esther
Rantzen
*
Paul Goddard
is due to release his eagerly awaited first novel, 'The Duality
of Ducks: A Man of Sin'. Is expected in book stores at the end
of July, and can be pre-ordered online. The book itself is about
a cat that likes cheese. Apparently.
*
An online petition
has been set up by angry Farscape viewers demanding the end to
Johnny and beards being combined on screen. The petition stands
at some 31 billion and seven as of last count. Go vote!
*
A new feature
now. Claude has been making a diary. He works behind the scenes
at Homebush, and now we too are privy to his inside gossip.
'Tuesday: Got
up. Had this great dream about Gigi. Had a shower. Went to work.
Claudia was storming about the set because someone had pinched
her curling tongs. Kemper was there, as well. He had a new hairdo.
Shot some scenes. Had lunch. Had a hotdog. Went back to work.
Was great, because Ben said 'wank' instead of 'want'! How we
laughed! Went home. Played with gun. Went to bed.'
OK! Thanks
Claude. We'll call you.
*
News on the
Farscape movie. The movie is already running over budget and
shooting hasn't even started yet. Is a difficuly situations,
and Kemper is once again investigating the possibility of sacking
the whole cast and hiring new actors, who don't get as paid as
much. He said to us yesterday: "I'm never sure how the fans
will react. They could hate me for it. I'd be taking a big risk,
but if it saves money? Sometimes you just have a gut instinct
for these things. Is like with Jeremiah Crichton, they all said
'No, David! You can't have a beard in it!'. But how wrong they
were, and how closely the fans have taken this episode to their
hearts."
01
June 2002
Anth Simcoe
went missing for six days last week when he inadvisably consumed
seventeen pints of Kemper's very own brand vodka. The moonshine,
which was declared a hazardous material by government health
officials, was being stored in Kemper's trailer, and was discovered
by Anth when he was looking for a quiet place to help a female
guest star on the episode they were filming, 'with her lines'.
Anth was found by a Tasmania fisherman, floating on an upturned
piano in the Tasman sea. Anth has yet to make any comments on
the matter, but worry not, Crackers Matter will surely find out
why exactly he was dressed in the tutu.
*
Construction
on the Farscape theme park, Kemperworld, has been halted in Florida,
USA after it was alleged by the Disney corporation that it's
Peacekeepers of the Caribbean ride infringed on various copyrights.
*
Claudia Black
is denying claims by a Sydney tabloid that she was once a member
of a militant Cambodian death squad. Miss Black said of the claims,
"How bloody stupid is that?" Co-star Ben Browder, has
also denied that he is, in fact, the source of these allegations.
In a statement, Browder said, "I have never made any such
accusations, and if I were to have made such accusations, they
would, of course, have been false. Just because Claudia's militant
Cambodian past is shrouded in mystery, does not automatically
mean she was a member of a death squad. I mean, she could have
been working at Kentucky Fried Chicken or something. Though,
it would have been a miltant branch, I imagine. And she probably
enjoyed making the 'chickens' dead, if you know what I mean?
<at this point Browder is said to have winked a number of
times>" Lawyers for Miss Black say she is considering
taking legal action against the newspaper, and extreme physical
action against Mr. Browder.
*
Ginny Hey has
been spotted on the Farscape set this week, though rumours of
a return were immediately scotched when it became apparent she
was only there in the capacity of her new job, pizza delivery
girl.
*
Finally, here
at Crackers Matter we have recieved an anonymous letter. We make
no claims of it's authenticity, but feel it is only fair that
we share it with our public. It arrived at our offices inside
an official Farscape envelope. Here is a scanned copy of said
letter:
Our handwriting
experts say that it was most likely written by a small child
or a talented chimapanzee. Hmmmm? How odd.
12
May 2002
With the Season
4 premiere rapidly approaching, there has been frantic activity
at Homebush as filming fell weeks behind schedule due to a series
of bizarre bottom disorders afflicting star Ben Browder. As a
last resort David Kemper has called in renowned Indian arse doctor
Ramesh Prabakhar. Dr. Prabakher has helped many of the world's
most famous movie stars, including George Clooney, Ben Affleck
and Luke Perry with their anal discomforts. His preliminary examinations
suggest that Browder's problems may well be related to his diet,
and immediately ordered him to stop eating wood.
Religion has
struck the crew of Farscape after talismanic camera operator
Jimmy Hootz introduced some of his colleagues to Claudiaism,
a bizarre cult that began in Sydney earlier in the year, and
involves utter devotion to Claudia Black. Miss Black has denied
reports that it was, in fact, she who started the cult, saying
'if men want to adore me with complete devotion, are you really
surprised?' Recruits include Rockne O'Bannon and Paul Goddard,
and even Ben Browder has admitted to the occasional dabble in
Claudiaism.
The deluxe
edition of the new Farscape 3.2 DVD is to be recalled, after
the discovery of a so-called 'easter egg', i.e hidden footage
on the DVD. These are fairly common place, but it appears the
intended 'egg', a behind the scenes look at a script meeting
was accidentally replaced by footage from one of Anth Simcoe's
private home videos.
With the upcoming
world cup, there was amazement on the set this week when Cameroon
announced David Franklin in their squad. Franklin whose grandmother
once ate an apple from Cameroon, was allowed into their squad
via the little known FIFA 'Fruit and Nationality' clause. Since
his call-up, football officials have been working around the
clock to close the loophole, but Franklin will be going to the
world cup. Franklin said, 'I am, of course, delighted to be selected.
It was a complete surprise, but I will do my utmost to uphold
the honour of Paraguay.'
Finally, Gigi
Edgley has decided on her new name. Following a massive campaign
on her website (so massive, it had to be closed down due to excessive
traffic), she settled on Mindy Goodheart. She politely declined
Dyl's offer of marriage, stating, 'I don't marry ugly perverts.'
<Please insert appropriate Ben Browder joke>
21
March 2002
What has happened
to Tammy McIntosh? That's the question Farscape cast and crew
are asking this week. The answer? She's gone to Bermuda. It's
her holidays.
Lani Tupu is
to front a new television advertising campaign in Australia for
Fudgy Bird's Beard Styling Mousse. He is reportedly getting a
three-figure salary for the series of six ads. They will feature
him of Commander Grapes of the starblitzer Mona. In related news,
Tupu has apparently had his beard insured for ten pounds.
Great Scott!
A whale! Thus went the cry from the unfortunate cast members
on the hugely expensive outdoor shoot at the Arctic. Purportedly,
this footage is for the season four finale. Ben will not
be appearing on these episodes, as the ice sheet in question
belongs to Norway, and Ben is banned from Norwegian soil following
the unpleasant incidents involving their national animal Spiffo
the pig.
Claudia Black
is said to be keen on British celebrity cook Jamie Oliver. The
Aussie beauty spent much of her free time away from Farscape
in London, where she got to meet the cheeky chappie in person.
Friends of Claudia exclusively revealed to us that Claudia said,
"I wouldn't mind fucking him!" with a gleeful, sordid
sparkle in her eyes.
Paul Goddard
has cancelled his planned tour of Australia with the Sydney Mime
Troupe, after David Kemper threatened to blow up the world in
an elaborate, but fatally flawed plan involving hollowed out
volcanoes, guerilla fighters, satellites and lego. Sadly, one
of the guerillas was actually a mime artist in disguise, and
he sort of screwed everything up. Plus, Kemper's first girlfriend
left him for a mime artist. And there was that time when he was
six when he was savaged by a rabid mime artist.
14
March 2002
Following on
from last weeks Hasselfhoff rumours, Crackers Matter can reveal
that Lani has utilised his underworld connections to put a contract
out on the Knight Rider star's life. We all hail him!
Wayne Pygram
is to recieve a Nobel Prize. The star who plays the villainous
Scorpius in the show, is to recieve the honour in the new category
of 'Services to the Milk Industry'.
Gigi Edgley
has to change her name, after it was revealed that a little known
American actress shared her moniker. Gigi is hosting a competition
on her official site in which the fans can pick her new name.
Crackers Matter would like to suggest a more simple method. If
she were in fact to marry Dyl she could take his surname, and
there would be no further problems.
Work was halted
on Season 4 when Jon Hardy's pet anaconda Boomer escaped
from his trailer and ate two lighting technicians, resulting
in the crew refusing to work until Boomer was recaptured. Fortunately,
Claudia spent much of her childhood in a travelling circus and
learned amongst other things, the ancient art of 'biffing reptiles
over the head with a big stick'. In honour of the two eaten technicians,
the epsiode to be filmed that day, 4.15 will be renamed 'Into
the Light'.
1
March 2002
Filming on
Season 4 continues apace. Please see SPOILERS for interesting plot developments.
News out of Sydney is that Ben turned up for the first day of
shooting, sporting the fake beard from Jeremiah Crichton. This
is yet another example of Ben's creeping senility. Owing to his
advancing years, Ben has grown gradually more eccentric, and
now insists on his trailer being intensively scrubbed and decontaminated
during filming, as he has a terrible fear of germs and coffee
stains. Further evidence of his decline, comes from a recent
interview with The Iowa Corn. Ben stated that he felt his character
needed to develop his feminine side in Season 4. "The scenes
where I cry, are always my favourite," said Ben. "I
like crying. It's very cathartic, and the chicks really dig it.
When they see a man cry, it's like 'hey! he's a human being like
us!' I'm kinda hoping they'll let me wear a dress or two, but
we'll have to wait and see. I have bought some just in case.
There's this really sexy off-the-shoulder number I picked up
at Maceys." Ben, still embroiled in the Thai ladyboy scandal
from the Farscape Christmas party, has been taken aside by supremo
David Kemper and warned that if his behaviour does not improve
quickly, they plan to replace him. Replacements? David Hasselhoff
rears his ugly head again. I'm afraid these Hasselhoff rumours
just won't go away. They're was a photo in last month's edition
of the German music magazine 'Glockenspiel. Ja!' of him and Claudia
Black leaving a swanky Berlin nightclub together, and our man
in Hollywood says Hasselhoff has been seen pitching his new 'Baywatch
in Space' to studio execs. So watch this space.
Gigi Edgley
has been voted 'Sexiest TV Star' in a recent pole of farmworkers
in Australian magazine 'Aussie Farmboys Wives'. Gigi, who comes
from a family of watermelon farmers herself, has always been
a favourite with the farming community, ever since her appearance,
as a child, in hit soil cultivation show, 'How Does my Outback
Grow'. Gigi is said to be honoured, and her agent Biff Stiffner
released a short statement in which Gigi, once again, declared
her support for the 'Farmers Who Cross-Dress' campaign.
Party king
Anthony Simcoe is in trouble with the Gendarme again. The jovial
star is well known throughout the Paris social scene for his
outrageous party antics, and beguiling personality. Recently,
Anth has taken to bringing wanted war criminals with him to parties
and holding impromptu war trials. The police raided one such
party when it became clear that Anth's actions violated several
city fire regulations.
Jonathan Hardy,
the voice of Rygel, buoyed by his recent appearance in hit film
Moulin Rouge is in talks with producers over the possibility
of him replacing Pierce Brosnan in the next Bond film. Farscape
execs are so sure that Hardy will take the part, that they have
begun interviewing possible replacements. Those in the frame
are a closely guarded secret, but many of our intrepid 'newshunters'
died to bring us this one piece of information. Apparently, Bobcat
Goldthwaite was seen at the Kemper mansion recently, and he and
Kemper were spotted sharing frothy milkshakes, while Goldthwaite
signed a piece of paper. Is this a sign? We don't know? Do you?
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