THE
GREAT BIG "WHAT IF?"
SUMMARY: Read the title! This
happened at 1am beyond my control. The basic premise is, what
if Moya had chatrooms I know. Stupid concept. But who the frell
cares?? It's silly, it has no plot whatsoever, and requires very
little brain cells to read it! Enjoy!
RATING:
PG
to PG-13 for, um cyber-suggestiveness =)
DISCLAIMER:
I do
not own the characters, but the story is mine unfortunately
SETTINGS/SPOILERS:
The
setting is um well, I suppose it has to be AU, doesn't it All
characters included but Zhaan, so figure it out Um spoils just
about everything. It's just bizarre, really
AUTHOR'S
NOTES: This
is NOT my fault. It is partially Eve's fault for quoting randomly
at me all night. Pilot's "So sorry" line was hers.
Anyway, I was meant to be writing my "Fractures" fic,
and this appeared It's even got Jool/Crais shipping (Eve made
me do it!) because it's just funny. Oh, and I know you spell
it "Erp", but I figure John being who he is, and me
being too clever for my own good, he'd spell it "Earp"
as a reference to Wyatt Earp Whatever I think most of the names
should be obvious. If anyone's that desperate, I'll put a list
up, but it shouldn't be necessary. Um yes. Read on, and review
if you're brave enough. Flames fully expected =)
The Great Big
"What If?"
© T'eyla
Minh 2002
*Room - Terrace
- 2 guests*
*Moyapilot
has entered the room*
Moyapilot: Greetings.
Earpboy: Hey Pilot.
PKChick: John, I don't understand
the purpose of this
PKChick: Hello Pilot.
Earpboy: It's meant to be
fun, Aeryn, now just play along
Moyapilot: How is everybody?
Earpboy: I'm good.
PKChick: How is this meant
to be fun?
Earpboy: Aeryn, you gotta
keep up!
PKChick: Oh, frell you, Crichton
I can't use this keyboard thing
*Bannick_the_Stark
has entered the room*
Bannick_the_Stark: Hello.
Earpboy: Yo, Stark. Aeryn,
you'll get used to it
PKChick: Hello, Stark.
Earpboy: What's with the name?
Bannick_the_Stark: Zhaan told me to
do it.
*PKChick
rolls eyes*
PKChick: I'm sure
Moyapilot: We like your name,
Stark.
Earpboy: We? I never said
*I* liked it.
PKChick: I think he means
him and Moya.
Moyapilot: Officer Sun is right.
Earpboy: You so smart!
*Earpboy
huggles PKChick*
PKChick: You should be very
glad we're not in the same room, Crichton.
Earpboy: Um we are
PKChick: You KNOW what I meant.
Bannick_the_Stark: Did I miss anything
important?
Earpboy: Nah.
Moyapilot: Nothing of importance
has occurred.
Bannick_the_Stark:
Oh, good.
Bannick_the_Stark:
I don't understand your name, Aeryn.
PKChick: Crichton chose it.
Ask him.
Earpboy: It would take too
long. Just live with it.
Moyapilot: I will DRD.
PKChick: DRD??
Earpboy: I think he means
BRB.
PKChick: You and your frelling
abbreviations
*Moyapilot
has left the room*
Earpboy: Oh, shaddup! It's
not like anyone ever told me what DRD stands for, anyway
PKChick: Your deficient little
brain couldn't cope with it
*Earpboy
sticks out tongue*
Earpboy: I thought we'd gone
beyond that kind of petty insult.
Bannick_the_Stark:
Zhaan would not approve of such bickering
Earpboy: For God's sake, Stark,
shut up! Zhaan's dead. Get over it!
Bannick_the_Stark:
No.
Bannick_the_Stark:
Not dead.
Bannick_the_Stark:
I can hear her
*PKChick
slaps Bannick_the_Stark*
Bannick_the_Stark:
Ow.
PKChick: Shut up.
*Moyapilot
has entered the room*
Earpboy: Finally! Pilot, please
bring some sanity to this place!
PKChick: Yes, please do. I'm
the only sane one left in here
Earpboy: Hey! Just cos you
don't have a chip in *your* brain
PKChick: That's your excuse
for everything.
Earpboy: Pilot, you're quiet.
Something wrong?
*Moyapilot
shakes head*
Moyapilot: Rbrtuyjomh od gomr.
PKChick: ?
Earpboy: Uh 'kay
Earpboy: Pilot, what in the
name of Kirk *was* that??
Moyapilot: So sorry
Moyapilot: I appear to have
hit the wrong keys
*Earpboy
laughs*
Earpboy: And I thought Aeryn
was bad. I dunno, you can pilot a Leviathan, but you can't type
*PKChick
beats the dren out of Earpboy*
Earpboy: Hey! I didn't mean
it!
PKChick: Just you wait, Crichton.
You're going to pay for that.
Earpboy: Ooh?
Earpboy: Promise or a threat,
honey?
PKChick: Both.
Earpboy: Cool.
PKChick: You know I can kick
your eema from one end of the UT to the other
Earpboy: Yeah I love you too
*PKChick
smacks Earpboy upside the head*
Earpboy: Aeryn, if you keep
this up, we'll have to go somewhere else
PKChick: I'm warning you,
John!
*Moyapilot
separates PKChick and Earpboy*
Moyapilot: This is most interesting
It appears you all revert into younger versions of yourselves
in here.
Moyapilot: I like it. And Moya
finds it most amusing.
*CapnB
has entered the room*
Earpboy: Evenin' Crais.
CapnB: Is she in here?
PKChick: Is who in here?
CapnB: Jool.
Bannick_the_Stark:
We haven't seen her.
Earpboy: Damn, Stark, are
you *still* here?? Can't you go and bother Chiana or something?
Bannick_the_Stark:
I think I will
*Bannick_the_Stark
has left the room*
Earpboy: Finally
CapnB: But is she in here?
Earpboy: No, Stark was right.
She ain't here.
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl
has entered the room*
Earpboy: Well, she wasn't
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Bialar, are you in here?
CapnB: No.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Good.
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl
huggles CapnB*
CapnB: Will you desist?!
Earpboy: What's the matter,
Crais, don't you wuv your lil Joolee any more?
CapnB: Shut up, Crichton.
Earpboy: Why's everyone so
against me today?
PKChick: Because you're an
idiot
*Eve
has entered the room*
*Eve
huggles Earpboy*
*Eve
has left the room*
Earpboy: What the frell was
that?
PKChick: Yes, what was that?
Earpboy: Oooh! Aeryn's jealous.
CapnB: Oh, are you two *still*
doing this? Every frelling time I come in here
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
That could be us.
CapnB: Go away!
*CapnB
has left the room*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Oh :*(
Moyapilot: Don't cry, Joolushka.
I still like you.
Earpboy: You like everyone.
Moyapilot: No I don't.
Moyapilot: I don't like Peacekeepers.
Moyapilot: Except for Aeryn.
Moyapilot: But she's not really
a Peacekeeper
Earpboy: We get the picture!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
You like me?
Moyapilot: Yes.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
That's sweet Pilot. Did you see where Crais went?
Moyapilot: My DRDs are detecting
he is in the Apothecary room.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Thanks, Pilot!
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl
has left the room*
*Minh
has entered the room*
Minh: anyone seen a girl
named eve around here?
PKChick: Who are you?
Minh: random fan-girl
Earpboy: Eve she came in and
hugged me then ran off again. Weird.
Minh: ah thanks. sorry
about that, she thinks you're beautiful.
Earpboy: Me?
Minh: yeah weird anyway,
did you see where she went?
PKChick: No.
Minh: okay oh, and you
guys had better frellin' hurry up the shippers are going crazy,
you know
Earpboy: I've been saying
the same damn thing for months um monens
Minh: i'm meant to be writing
a bloody angstfic! gotta go! john, think angsty thoughts, would
ya?
*Minh
has left the room*
Earpboy: Pilot, we have GOT
to get better security around here
Moyapilot: Yes. Moya agrees.
PKChick: What are we supposed
to be hurrying up with?
Earpboy: I could show you
if you'd let me near you
PKChick: I'm sure. No.
Earpboy: Aw, come *on*! What
does it frelling *take* with you?
PKChick: Stick around long
enough and you'll find out.
Earpboy:
Earpboy: I wasn't expecting
that.
Moyapilot: Nor was I.
*CapnB
has entered the room*
Earpboy: WB, Crais. Didja
lose her?
*CapnB
wheezes*
CapnB: I believe so. For
now.
PKChick: Perhaps if you change
your name...
CapnB: That's a good idea.
CapnB: Excuse me a microt.
*CapnB
has left the room*
*XhalaxSun
has entered the room*
PKChick: That's not funny,
Crais.
XhalaxSun: Frell
*XhalaxSun
has left the room*
Earpboy: I guess originality
isn't high on his list of priorities.
*Talynpilot
has entered the room*
Talynpilot: Sorry, Pilot. Best
I could do.
Moyapilot: I do not mind, Captain.
*NerriSis
has entered the room*
NerriSis: Hey.
Earpboy: Hey, Chi, how's it
hangin'?
NerriSis: Um
*NerriSis
looks down*
NerriSis: Mind your own frellin'
business!
Earpboy: I didn't mean Never
mind
PKChick: I thought you were
with D'Argo.
NerriSis: I was he disappeared.
I think Stark was annoying him.
PKChick: So you decided to
come and annoy us? How considerate.
Talynpilot: If you see Jool,
I'm not here.
NerriSis: Is that Crais?
*Earpboy
nods*
NerriSis: Gee. Never woulda
guessed
Moyapilot: Hello, Chiana. Sorry.
I was multi-tasking.
NerriSis: Hi, Pilot.
Talynpilot: Remember, I'm not
here.
Earpboy: Okay, we got it,
you're not here!
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl
has entered the room*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Did I miss him again?
PKChick: Yes
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Why does he hate me?? Why?
NerriSis: How many reasons
do you want?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Shut up, Chiana!
NerriSis: No, you shut up!
Earpboy: Hey, ladies?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
No, you!
NerriSis: You!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Bitch!
NerriSis: Tralk!
Earpboy: GIRLS!
*Moyapilot
separates Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*
*Moyapilot
is still separating PKChick and Earpboy*
Moyapilot: I never knew four
arms could be so useful.
Earpboy: You're an upholding
member of society, Pilot
*PKChick
groans*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Just out of interest, who's flying the ship?
Moyapilot: I will have to put
two of you down.
Moyapilot: Aeryn, John, if you
stop fighting, it will be you.
Earpboy: Deal.
PKChick: Yes.
*Moyapilot
releases Earpboy and PKChick*
Moyapilot: No more fighting.
PKChick: Thank you, Pilot.
Earpboy: Ditto.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Pilot, you're hurting me.
NerriSis: Me too.
Moyapilot: I apologise. Do you
promise not to fight?
*NerriSis
nods*
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl
nods*
*Moyapilot
releases Screaming_Boolite_Girl and NerriSis*
NerriSis: Thanks.
*NerriSis
pulls Screaming_Boolite_Girl's hair*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Hey!
NerriSis: If you wanna fight,
you're gonna have to catch me first!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Fine!
*NerriSis
has left the room*
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
FRELL!
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl
has left the room*
*Talynpilot
comes out from under the table*
Talynpilot: Is it safe?
PKChick: All clear, Crais.
Earpboy: Hehehe. The big bad
PK Captain is afraid of our little Jool?
Talynpilot: She's insatiable!
Earpboy: She seems to really
like you. I can't think why.
Talynpilot: For your information,
Crichton, she liked you until she met me
Earpboy: For your information,
Crais, Aeryn liked you until she met me
PKChick: For your information,
I don't like either of you.
Moyapilot: Do you like me?
PKChick: Of course, Pilot.
Talynpilot:
Why
don't you like me?
PKChick: Would you settle
for "Irreversibly contaminated"?? Or would you prefer
another reason?
Talynpilot: Fair enough.
Earpboy:
Well,
fine, but what did I do?
PKChick:
Same
answer.
Earpboy:
Yeah.
But I didn't do it on purpose!
PKChick:
Actually,
I've never liked you, Crichton.
Earpboy: Genetically compatible,
babe
PKChick: You're never going
to let me forget that, are you?
Earpboy:
Nope.
*DominarXVI
has entered the room*
Earpboy:
Besides,
it was *you* who kissed *me* in the module, not the other way
around.
PKChick:
You
kissed me back!
Earpboy:
What,
you'd rather I ran away?
PKChick:
Well,
no but stop turning everything I say around!
Earpboy:
I'm
not!
DominarXVI:
Have
you no respect?
Earpboy:
Hey,
Stinky.
DominarXVI:
Apparently
not.
DominarXVI:
If
I was back on Hyneria, people would be bowing down! They'd be
subservient, and obey my every command!
Earpboy:
Um,
sure, whatever, Ryge
Earpboy:
Aeryn,
I'm not turning everything you say around! I'm just saying, it
was *your* fault!
PKChick:
It's
never my fault, Crichton
Earpboy:
I know
you only blame me to make yourself feel big
Talynpilot:
Is
this going to go on much longer?
PKChick:
No,
I only blame you because it's always your fault.
Earpboy:
Ouch
DominarXVI:
Will
you two just frell and get it over with! You're driving us all
fahrbot!
Earpboy:
That's
the best advice you've given all day, Sparky!
DominarXVI:
I think
I'm going to vomit.
*DominarXVI
has left the room*
*HeavyD
has entered the room*
Earpboy: Hey, D'Argo.
Moyapilot:
Hello,
Ka D'Argo.
Talynpilot:
Likewise.
HeavyD: Finally!
PKChick:
What?
HeavyD:
The
frelling thing wouldn't let me in! I think Chiana did something.
PKChick:
Ah
PKChick:
That
would explain why she wasn't with you earlier
Earpboy:
I'd
give the girl some credit. She caught on the fastest out of all
of you. Imagine Chi's already a prime hacker, Crais is changin'
names like there's no tomorrow, and Pilot's doing actions.
Earpboy:
Aeryn,
I thought you were meant to be the smart one!
*PKChick
smacks
Earpboy*
Earpboy:
Exactly
how many bruises are you trying to make?
PKChick:
46.
Earpboy:
WHY?
PKChick:
Dunno.
Seems like a good number.
Earpboy:
Fine
how many are you up to?
PKChick:
10.
Earpboy:
10?
PKChick:
10.
HeavyD:
Can
I add some?
Earpboy:
No
you frelling can't!
HeavyD:
Why
not?
PKChick:
You'll
damage him.
Earpboy:
Um
and you *can* damage me why?
PKChick:
I'm
your grunt, remember?
Earpboy:
What
IS that, anyway?
PKChick:
Doesn't
matter.
PKChick:
Anyway,
D'Argo can't damage you, because if he does, there'll be nothing
left for *me* to damage
*HeavyD
laughs*
Moyapilot:
I could
hold him steady for you, if you wish.
PKChick:
Thank
you, Pilot. It won't be necessary
Talynpilot:
I'd
add some bruises myself, but I'd rather just watch
Earpboy:
Thanks.
All gang up on the Human
Earpboy:
Ew,
Crais!
Talynpilot:
What?
Earpboy:
Oh
sorry. I thought you meant something else
*PKChick
slaps Earpboy*
Earpboy:
That
makes 11...
PKChick:
You're
disgusting.
*NerriSis
has entered the room*
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl
has entered the room*
HeavyD: Chiana!!
NerriSis:
Uh-oh
HeavyD:
What
the frell did you do?? It took me seventeen attempts to get in
here!
NerriSis:
I didn't
do anything!
Earpboy:
Does
anybody else *not* believe her?
PKChick:
Me.
Talynpilot:
And
me.
Moyapilot:
I know
for a fact it was Chiana. I just do not know how.
NerriSis:
Pilot!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Oooh!
Busted.
NerriSis:
Shut
your FRELLING mouth!
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
No.
Talynpilot:
Here
we go again
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
Bialar???
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl
giggles happily and tackle hugs Talynpilot*
Talynpilot:
Oh,
no
Talynpilot:
Uh,
I mean Bialar who?
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
I know
it's you.
Talynpilot:
It's
not me um him. I don't know who you are.
PKChick:
You're
such a terrible liar, Crais even when we can't hear you.
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
I *knew*
it was you!
Talynpilot:
Thank
you, Aeryn. Thank you so very much
Earpboy:
Ooh,
I love it when you stab your ex-Captain in the back
PKChick:
You
know, those other 35 bruises could turn into a stab wound of
your own
Earpboy:
Point
taken.
*Earpboy
surrenders*
Earpboy:
I'm
all yours.
NerriSis:
You're
frelled :D
Earpboy:
Chance
would be a fine thing
*DominarXVI
has entered the room*
DominarXVI:
Oh,
please, are you STILL at it?
HeavyD:
Rygel,
there's stuff missing from my quarters. I want it back by tomorrow
or that throne sled will be riding *you*.
DominarXVI:
Frell
you, Luxan. Why don't you try Chiana's quarters?
Moyapilot:
It
wasn't Chiana.
NerriSis:
Thanks,
Pilot! You know I love you, really
*Minh
has entered the room*
PKChick:
You
again?? How are you getting in?
Minh: beats me
Minh: anyhoo, i was wondering
if you guys could, um, get out of my brain for a microt?
Earpboy:
I wasn't
aware we were in there
Minh: oh, yeah, you are.
trust me. it's just, it's like one in the frelling morning, and
i want to go to bed, and i have to finish this damn thing first.
so, could you all vamoose? skidaddle? scarper?
PKChick:
John,
I get the impression you're the only one this makes any sense
to
Minh: get the frell outta
here!
Earpboy:
Okay,
geez! Just give us a few minutes
Minh: you've had arns oh,
fine you've got 120 microts, then it ends whether you're out
or not.
*Minh
has left the room*
HeavyD: Who was that?
Earpboy:
Looooong
story.
HeavyD:
Well,
I have to go anyway. Rygel, you'd better pray you get to your
quarters before me
Earpboy:
Bye,
dude.
*HeavyD
has left the room*
*DominarXVI
has left the room*
Talynpilot:
I should
go, too
Screaming_Boolite_Girl:
If
you're going, I'm going.
Talynpilot:
Crichton,
I hold you personally responsible for this
*Talynpilot
has left the room*
*Screaming_Boolite_Girl
has left the room*
Moyapilot:
I have
multi-tasking to attend to. Goodbye, Aeryn, Commander.
PKChick:
Goodbye,
Pilot.
Earpboy:
See
ya.
*Moyapilot
has left the room*
NerriSis:
I don't
suppose either of you guys want me around And anyway, if I'm
last to leave, the entire thing will crash.
Earpboy:
Woo!
Go, Chi!
NerriSis:
I thought
you'd like that. Have fun, you two!
*NerriSis
has left the room*
Earpboy:
I guess
that just leaves us
PKChick:
Yes
we've overstayed our 120 microts.
Earpboy:
As
it's us, I think she'll let us off.
PKChick:
I suppose.
PKChick:
John?
Earpboy:
Yeah?
PKChick:
Where
exactly are you?
Earpboy:
I was
going to ask you the same thing. Seems kinda pointless now, doesn't
it?
PKChick:
Yes.
I'm in Command.
Earpboy:
I'm
on the actual Terrace.
PKChick:
Stay
there.
Earpboy:
Why?
PKChick:
I have
a surprise for you.
Earpboy:
Is
it more bruises?
PKChick:
Maybe
maybe not
Earpboy:
Interesting
Earpboy:
Okay,
I'll stay put.
PKChick:
And
I'll be right there.
*PKChick
has left the room*
Earpboy:
Whaddaya
know online romances *do* work after all
*Earpboy
has left the room*
*Bannick_the_Stark
has entered the room*
Bannick_the_Stark:
Hello?
Bannick_the_Stark:
Oh
Blue: Hello, Stark.
Bannick_the_Stark:
Zhaan?!
Blue: Yes, Stark. I have
been here the whole time.
Bannick_the_Stark:
I knew
it! I knew it I knew it! They didn't believe me!
Blue: Stark?
Bannick_the_Stark:
Yes?
Blue: You're doing it again
Bannick_the_Stark:
It's
another hallucination?
Blue: I'm afraid so.
Bannick_the_Stark:
Oh
*Bannick_the_Stark
has left the room*
*Room - Terrace
- no guests*
Thank God
that's all over. You have no idea how long it wanted to be If
you're all still alive and coherent, please review. Thank you.
If you review, I promise not to do this
again
|
