THE SCENE
Reconstruction of Scorpy's
ma (Rylani) and her husband (Ghebb) after they escape to planet
and before nasty Scarren comes along and does horrid things.
[NOTE: Please don't sue, Mr. Tarantino!]
WHAT WENT WRONG!
SAM(RYLANI): Reached the planet
and managed to land the pod at approximately mid-sun.
NICK(GHEBB): What are you recording?
(pauses)
SAM: Now?
NICK: (nods)
SAM: I love you, pumpkin.
NICK: I love you, honey bunny.
SAM and NICK pull pistolas
from under their green robe things.
NICK: Everybody be cool, this
is a robbery!
SAM: Any of you fuckin' pricks
move and I'll execute every one of you motherfuckers!
NICK: Crew stay seated, actors
on the floor.
SAM: Now means fuckin' now!
Do it or die, do it or fucking die!
NICK: You Mexicans in the kitchen,
get out here! Asta luego!
Three cooks and two busboys
come out of the kitchen.
NICK: On the floor or I'll
cook your ass, comprende?
KEMPER: I'm the executive producer
here. There's no problem, no problem at all.
NICK: You're gonna give me
a problem?
Nick sticks the barrel of
his gun in KEMPER's neck.
NICK: What? You said you're
gonna give me a problem?
KEMPER: No, I'm not. I'm not
gonna give you any problem!
NICK: I don't know, honey bunny.
He looks like the hero type to me!
SAM: Don't take any chances.
Execute him!
KEMPER: Please don't! I'm not
a hero. I'm just an executive producer. Take anything you want.
NICK: Tell everyone to cooperate
and it'll be all over.
KEMPER: Everybody just be calm
and cooperate with them and this will be all over soon!
NICK: Well done, now get your
fuckin' ass on the ground.
NICK pulls a bag from under
his robe.
NICK: Okay people, I'm going
to go 'round and collect your wallets. Don't talk, just toss
'em in the bag. We clear?
JON HARDY sits at a table,
a briefcase before him. Unseen by the others he pulls a .45 from
his belt and hides it under the table. NICK approaches him.
NICK: In the bag.
JON drops his wallet in
the bag. NICK points at the briefcase.
NICK: What's in that?
JON: My boss' dirty laundry.
NICK: Your boss makes you do
his laundry?
JON: When he wants it clean.
NICK: Sounds like a shit job.
JON: Funny, I've been thinkin'
the same thing.
NICK: Open it up.
JON: 'Fraid I can't do that.
NICK: I didn't hear you.
JON: Yes, you did.
SAM: (from other side of set)
What's going on?
NICK: Looks like we got a vigilante
in our midst.
SAM: Shoot 'em in the face!
JON: I don't mean to shatter
your ego, but this ain't the first time I've had gun pointed
at me.
NICK: You don't open up that
case, it's gonna be the last.
KEMPER: (on the ground) Quit
causing problems, you'll get us all killed! Give 'em what you
got and get 'em out of here.
JON: Keep your fuckin' mouth
closed, fat man, this ain't any of your goddamn business!
NICK: I'm countin' to three,
and if your hand ain't off that case, I'm gonna unload right
in your fuckin' face. Clear? One...
JON closes his eyes.
NICK: ...two...
NICK: ...three.
JON: You win.
JON raises his hand off
the briefcase.
JON: It's all yours, Ringo.
NICK: Open it.
JON flips the locks and
opens the case, revealing it to NICK. A strange green light shines
from the case. Two
green reptillian fingers poke out the side.
SAM: What is it? What is it?
NICK: (softly) Is that what
I think it is?
JON nods.
NICK: It's beautiful.
JON nods.
SAM: Goddammit, what is it?
JON slams the case closed,
then sits back. He smiles. NICK bends to pick up the case. JON
grabs his hand and pulls him towards him. The .45 comes up from
under the table and JON presses the barrel up under NICK's chin.
SAM sees it and freaks out.
SAM: Let him go! Let him go!
I'll blow your fuckin' head off! I'll kill ya! I'll kill ya!
You're gonna die, you're gonna fuckin' die bad!
JON: (to NICK) Tell that bitch
to be cool! Say, bitch be cool! Say, bitch be cool!
NICK: Chill out, honey!
SAM: Let him go!
JON: (softly) Tell her it's
gonna be okay.
NICK: I'm gonna be okay.
JON: Promise her.
NICK: I promise.
JON: Tell her to chill.
NICK: Just chill out.
JON: What's her name?
NICK: Sam.
JON: (to SAM) So, we cool,
Sam? We ain't gonna do anything stupid, are we?
SAM: (crying) Don't you hurt
him.
JON: Nobody's gonna hurt anybody.
We're gonna be like three Fonzies. And what's Fonzie like? C'mon
Sam, what's Fonzie like?
SAM: He's cool?
JON: Correct-amundo! And that's
what we're gonna be, we're gonna be cool. (to NICK) Now Ringo,
I'm gonna count to three and I want you to let go your gun and
lay your palms flat on the table. But when you do it, do it cool.
Ready?
NICK waits.
JON: One... two... three.
NICK lets go of his gun
and places both hands on the table.
SAM: Okay, now let him go!
JON: Sam, I thought you were
gonna be cool. When you yell at me, it makes me nervous. When
I get nervous, I get scared. And when motherfuckers get scared,
that's when motherfuckers get accidentally shot.
SAM: Just know: you hurt him,
you die.
JON: That seems to be the situation.
Now I don't want that and you don't want that and Ringo here
don't want that. So let's see what we can do. (to NICK) Now this
is the situation. Normally both of your asses would be dead as
fuckin' fried chicken. But you happened to pull this shit while
I'm in a transitional period. I don't wanna kill you, I want
to help you. But I'm afraid I can't give you the case. It don't
belong to me. Besides, I went through too much shit this morning
on account of this case to just hand it over to your ass.
ROCKNE (off-set): What the
fuck's goin' on here?
SAM whips her gun toward
ROCKNE. ROCKNE, by the bathroom, has his gun out, aimed at
SAM.
JON: It's cool, Rockne! It's
cool! Don't do a goddamn thing. Sam, it's cool baby, nothin's
changed. We're still just talkin'. (to NICK) Tell her we're still
cool.
NICK: It's cool, Honey Bunny,
we're still cool.
ROCKNE: What the hell's goin'
on, Jon?
JON: Nothin' I can't handle.
I want you to just hang back and don't do shit unless it's absolutely
necessary.
ROCKNE: Check.
JON: Sam, how we doin, baby?
SAM: I gotta go pee! I want
to go home.
JON: Just hang in there, baby,
you're doing' great, Ringo's proud of you and so am I. It's almost
over. (to NICK) Now I want you to go in that bag and find my
wallet.
NICK: Which one is it?
JON: It's the one that says
Bad Motherfucker on it.
NICK searches the bag and
finds the wallet.
JON: That's my bad motherfucker.
Now open it up and take out the cash. How much is there?
NICK: About fifteen hundred
dollars.
JON: Put it in your pocket,
it's yours. Now with the rest of them wallets, that makes this
a pretty successful little score.
ROCKNE: Jon, if you give this
nimrod fifteen hundred bucks, I'm gonna shoot 'em on general
principle.
JON: You ain't gonna do a goddamn
thing, now hang back and shut the fuck up. Besides, I ain't givin'
it to him. I'm buyin' somethin' for my money. Wanna know what
I'm buyin' Ringo?
NICK: What?
JON: Your life. I'm givin'
you that money so I don't hafta kill your ass. You read the Bible?
NICK: Not regularly.
JON: There's a passage I got
memorized. Ezekiel 25:17. "The path of the righteous man
is beset on all sides by the iniquities of the selfish and the
tyranny of evil men.
Blessed is he who, in the name of charity and good will, shepherds
the weak through the valley of the darkness. For he is truly
his brother's keeper and the finder of lost children. And I will
strike down upon thee with great vengeance and furious anger
those who attempt to poison and destroy my brothers. And you
will know I am the Lord when I lay my vengeance upon you."
I been sayin' that shit for years. And if you ever heard it,
it meant your ass. I never really questioned what it meant. I
thought it was just a cold-blooded thing to say to a motherfucker
'fore you popped a cap in his ass. But I saw some shit this mornin'
made me think twice. Now I'm thinkin', it could mean you're the
evil man. And I'm the righteous man. And Mr. .45 here, he's the
shepherd protecting my righteous ass in the valley of darkness.
Or is could by you're the righteous man and I'm the shepherd
and it's the world that's evil and selfish. I'd like that. But
that shit ain't the truth. The truth is you're the weak. And
I'm the tyranny of evil men. But I'm tryin'. I'm tryin' real
hard to be a shepherd.
JON lowers his gun, lying it
on the table. NICK looks at him, to the money in his hand, then
to SAM. Grabbing the bag full of wallets, the two run out the
set door.
KEMPER: What the hell was that?
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