Established: 03 March 2002

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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



David Kemper (conducted by me, Bob!)


ME: Welcome, Mr. Kemper.

DK: Hello. Please, call me David.

ME: <sneers> So, Mr. Kemper, Farscape? Where'd it go wrong?

DK: <pauses> Okay. I don't believe it has. You are a fan, yes?

ME: No.

DK: <fiddles with his tie> Okay. Fair enough.

ME: So, are you going to answer the question, or avoid it like you avoid decent storylines and character development?

DK: Um, you're very antagonsitic.

ME: Am I really? <sneers> I'm not one of those 'yes' men you surround yourself with, I'm afraid. I could always get Zoe Ball in if I'm being too tough on you?

DK: Zoe Ball? I'm sorry, I just thought this was an interview for a fansite.

ME: It is.

DK: But you said you're not a fan.

ME: I'm not.

DK: So?

ME: <shrugs> I'm the alternative viewpoint if you like.

DK: Oh, I see.

ME: Well done. Wasn't that hard, now was it?

DK: No, I guess not.

ME: Anyway, enough avoidance. The question?

DK: Question?

ME: <sighs> Where'd it go wrong?

DK: Oh. Well, I don't believe it has.

ME: You wouldn't.

DK: Look! I appreciate that you may have a differing viewpoint from me, but there's no need to be disrespectful!

ME: Oh diddums. I'm sorry, Mr. Kemper. Did you drop your retainer?

DK: <gets rapidly to his feet> Now look here young man! Either you show some damned respect or this interview is over!

ME: Whadda matter, wittle Mr. Kemper? The questions too hard for you? Shall I write them down in crayon for you?

DK: That's it! Interview over!

ME: Okay. You go run back to your mummy.

DK: Fuck you!

ME: Ooooooooh!

DK: Shut up!

ME: Make me!

DK: I said shut up!

ME: Or what? You going to give me a fake beard?

DK: <punches ME in the face>

ME: Ow! That hurt!

DK: <breathes deeply, then sits down> Look, I'm sorry. I shouldn't have hit you, but you got my gander up.

ME: Pfft! You punch like a girl!

DK: <leaps on ME, and begins pummeling>

ME: Ow! Ouch! Stop! Ow!

DK: Die you bastard!

ME: Please, David! Stop!

DK: That's Mr. Kemper!

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.