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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



Virginia Hey


ME: Hi Ginny!

VH: Hi Dyl.

ME: How's things?

VH: Pretty good thanks!

ME: I'm glad to hear it. So what have you been up to since you left Farscape?

VH: Well, I've been tremendously busy <dazzling smile> I've been doing some stage work in Sydney and Los Angeles, and when the cash flow ever gets too low, I do a bit of lapdancing on the side.

ME: Lapdancing? Cool. Are you any good? <nods>

VH: <performsimpromptu, and decidedly arousing lap dance> What do you think?

ME: <noticeably appreciative> Thought thing not working at moment.

VH: Well, don't worry. I like to talk.

ME: Uh-huh.

VH: I've been doing some painting in my spare time as well. Nothing serious, just some sketching. A few portraits, nothing special. Ya know!

ME: Uh-huh.

VH: I've done some of the rest of the cast.

ME: Gigi?

VH: Oh yes! Loads!

ME: Can I have them?

VH: Well, you can buy them?

ME: Buy? How much are we talking here?

VH: There are other ways to pay. <smiles innocently>

ME: Er...yes...yes there are.

VH: You're a good looking young man. I'm sure you have many ways to pay. And to please.

ME: <coughs> Yes...I, the interview. How did you first get involved with Farscape?

VH: <crosses her legs> Well, I've known Anthony Simcoe for yonks! We used to work on a construction site in Melbourne together, and when he got the part of D'Argo, he put a good word in for me with Rockne and Brian.

ME: Did you have to audition?

VH: Oh definitely! <grins> It was very...demanding.

ME: Obviously you impressed.

VH: Do I impress you?

ME: <spits out mouthful of cola> Yes, Ginny. Very much so. More than you could possibly imagine.

VH: Good, well there you go.

ME: Now you left shortly after season 3 began. Some say it was due to a reaction to the blue make-up Zhaan had to wear. Care to shed any light on this for us?

VH: That's so wrong! I don't know how these rumours get started! Have you heard the one about me and Paul Goddard?

ME: Um, no.

VH: Well, lets just say Paul is a lovely man, but there is no way I would ever let him dress me up like that!

ME: Dress up?

VH: <giggles and then sings> I'm a Barbie Girl! In a Barbie world!

ME: Oh, I see. You wouldn't still have the, um, costume, would you?

VH: Just so happens that I do.

ME: Well, that's good, because seeing as you are out of work at the moment-

VH: Don't forget the lapdancing!

ME: How could I? But seriously, have you any plans to continue in television acting?

VH: Well, I've had offers, but I'm just taking my time at the moment, checking out a few things. I don't want to jump straight into anything.

ME: I would have thought an actress as talented, and beguiling as you would have been flooded with offers.

VH: <beams> Why, thank you! Flattery will get you everywhere.

ME: I bloody well hope so!

VH; <winks>

ME: Anyway, if it wasn't the make-up, why did you leave?

VH: Cheese.

ME: Cheese?

VH: Yep. I hate the stuff. Gives me the willies.

ME: Lucky cheese. Please explain?

VH: Well, there was an incident when I was a child. An uncle left some cheese in my crib, I swallowed it and nearly choked to death.

ME: Oh no! Poor you!

VH: Thank you. Anyway, ever since then I've been terrified of cheese, particularly smelly cheeses.

ME: Okay, but how exactly did this lead to you leaving Farscape?

VH: Well, it was all Lani's fault, though I can't really blame him.

ME: Lani? I find that hard to believe. He seems such a nice man.

VH: He is! But he has a problem.

ME: He does?

VH: Yep. Male pattern baldness.

ME: Never! He's so hirsute.

VH: <shakes her head> A wig, I'm afraid. Poor man.

ME: Okay, but still...cheese?

VH: I know. It does sound odd, but its quite simple really. Lani does not believe in conventional medicine. He prefers the more 'mystical' methods. He sees a Dr. Mellowbone every week, and Mellowbone suggested that if he were to imbibe sixty-eight grams of camembert every day, his hair loss problem would come to an end.

ME: You're taking the piss right?

VH: Nope.

ME: <giggles> Come on!

VH: I can prove it. <delves into bag and pulls out photos and shows them to me> See!

ME: Jesus! Poor man.

VH: So, we had a conflict of interest. And seeing as Lani has connections in the Sydney underworld, I never stood a chance.

ME: That's a real shame. But to be honest, I never really liked Zhaan. 'Cept when she was naked, of course.

VH: She did that a lot!

ME: So, how about you?

VH: <grins> I am so much more comfortable sans clothes.

ME: Wow, me too.

VH: Tell you what, why don't I give you my room number, and maybe you can come up and see for yourself.

ME: Now?

VH: Sure.

ME: <turns to Bob who's taking the notes> Bob. Piss off!

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.