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MY
FUNNY VALENTINE
SUMMARY: It's
that time of year again. Yup, it's Valentine's Day, so in the
spirit of things, here's a fic in honour of the occasion! John
attempts to teach Moya's crew all about Valentine's Day, with
interesting results. (I apologise for the title just consider
that it was better than the original, "V-Day Fic")
RATING: Let's go PG-13 to be safe. (There's silly semi-slash
at the end. Don't panic. It's just a joke by request of a very
strange friend barely slash at all, in fact)
SPOILERS/SETTING: Absolutely no spoilers (well, maybe a few
for early episodes, but nothing major) and absolutely no setting
either. Completely AU. Everyone is alive who was dead, and on
Moya who is not. The cast for this includes: John, Aeryn, D'Argo,
Rygel, Pilot, Chiana, Zhaan (yay!), Stark (yay again!), Crais
(double yay!), Jool, and, of course, Harvey. I guess the characterisation
varies between Seasons 1 to 3. Season 2 John and Aeryn, Season
1 Zhaan and D'Argo, Season anything Chiana, Season 3 Harvey,
Crais, Jool and Stark you get the idea.
DISCLAIMER: Come on DK, I'm only having a little fun. Lemme play
with 'em? Please? (Uh, yeah, they're not mine)
AUTHOR'S NOTES:
I decided to do this then promptly forgot about it, should be
doing my Farscape Horror Show fic, and realised I now have 10
days to do this one Shippiness and silliness galore!! Look! NO
ANGST!!! (Shipping wise, this has everything you can possibly
think of - John/Aeryn, Chiana/D'Argo, Jool/Crais (tee hee), Zhaan/Stark,
Pilot/Moya, Rygel/Rygel and possibly some surprises along the
way!) Plus, it's a John-finally-tells-her fic!
As far as the
AU situation goes, ignore all discrepancies and take everything
as normal, or this'll make no sense. It's a game of let's pretend,
a simple fantasy, and Lord knows we need something after all
the damn angst of Season 3...
Enjoy!
My Funny Valentine
© T'eyla
Minh 2002
CHAPTER
ONE - Karaoke Clone
John Crichton
lay back on his bunk and clicked off the tape recorder, before
hurling it haphazardly onto a pile of clothes in the corner of
the room. He sighed heavily, frustrated and bored. Nothing had
happened for almost two weekens, not even any random aliens wanting
to fight, eat, or generally dismember them. He'd give anything
just to have Scorpius on his tail. Even Harvey was being unusually
quiet.
That didn't
last long. If John got bored, Harvey got bored. Harvey, however,
had discovered ways to pass the time. Lately, he'd acquired several
irritating tendencies, including singing off-pitch, tapping his
feet in irregular rhythms (which, even though John couldn't actually
feel them, were incredibly annoying), reciting the alphabet backwards
(continually incorrectly, causing him to have to start over),
or just muttering incoherently. Today, apparently, he'd chosen
to blast out an awful rendition of "I Will Always Love You",
in true, off-key, karaoke style.
John endured
the verse, barely. When the neural clone hit the chorus, and
missed by an agonising semi-tone, it was the last straw. He rolled
over and promptly smacked his head into the pillow.
"HARVEY!!!"
The voice stopped,
and John imagined himself face to face with him, in yet another
surrounding dragged from his subconscious; this time, it was
a grubby nightclub. John mentally plucked Harvey away from the
microphone and dragged him behind a tacky spangled curtain.
"My song,
John!" he protested.
"Your
song, my ass, Harv! It's Whitney or nobody!"
The hybrid
pouted. "I've got to pass the time somehow. Do you have
any idea how tedious it gets in here?"
"If you
don't like it, move out."
"You and
I both know that's impossible. Still, I wish you'd exercise your
mind more often." He sighed and brushed out the crease John
had created in his tuxedo. "You used to at least think of
Earth. All you ever think about now is Officer Sun."
John went a
deep crimson and was tempted to deny it, then realised how futile
it was. "So what?"
"It's
boring" He emphasised the last word, making it sound like
the most heinous crime known to man.
"Those
are my thoughts. Mine. Not yours." He looked annoyed. "And
anyway, if you don't like 'em, don't listen in."
"It's
rather difficult. You don't know how loudly you think."
"And you
don't know how annoying you are," he retorted. "Now
shut. The frell. Up!"
With that,
John returned his consciousness to his quarters. For now, at
least, Harvey had quietened again. It only lasted approximately
three microts, and then the voice rang in his head again. "John"
He ignored him. "You can't pretend I'm not here. I have
something to tell you."
John sighed
again, and muttered, "What are you, the damn Phantom of
the Opera inside my mind?" He thought himself back to Harvey
and the nightclub. "Yes?"
"Do you
know what the date is, in your time?"
"No frelling
clue."
"It's
February 6th."
"So?"
"What's
in eight days?"
John thought
for a microt. "February 14th." Harvey waited for the
light to dawn. "Valentine's Day" As expected, the immediate
image to fill his brain was Aeryn, and a goofy grin crossed his
face. "Harvey, you're a genius!" He planted a wet,
sloppy kiss on the clone's head, and thought himself back to
reality again. To himself, he repeated, "Valentine's Day"
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