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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



Things you will never hear said on Farscape

Author: JazzyMegster
Rating: PG, for some language that is prob offensive to someone out there. . .

Spoilers: Last 4 eps, S3.

Archiving: Ask me. It is only good manners.


· Crichton to Scorpius: (singing) "I just can't get you outta my head."

· Anyone: (singing): "People are strange."

· Anyone: Is it me, or is this just plain weird?

· Crichton to Scorpius during 'Into The Lion's Den Pt II: Wolf in Sheep's Clothing' [that'd be series 3, then] (singing): "Hit me baby, one more time!"

· Natira to Scorpius, any time before he joined the Peacekeepers: "Yeah, you'll look really good in leather, baby!"

· Rygel or Scorpius: (singing) "I feel pretty, oh so pretty."

· Premise: the crew of Moya make it back to Earth. John approaches the others at the airport with a doleful look on his face.

John: "Sorry, guys, Zhaan can't join us."

Crew: "Why not?"

John: "They did a drugs test on her and confiscated her as an illegal substance."

· Zhaan: "I am plant life, hear me roar!"

· Scorpius to John: "Nah, I was never after the wormhole technology at all. It was just an excuse to stalk you."

· Stark (after an argument with Zhaan): (singing) "I talk to the trees, but they don't listen to me."

· Anyone except Ben Browder or Kent McCord (in the broadest, most cheesy Aussie accent you can imagine): "Hey, Bruce, throw another shrimp on the Barbie."

· Anyone: *making vomit noises* "I feel travel sick, slow down!"

· Scorpius (at the Uncharted Territories Intergalactic Library): "Yes, I'd like to know if the last copy of 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Villainy' is still in?"

· John, when handed a pulse pistol for the first time: "I can't fire this thing! I wasn't even *taught* to use a firearm on Earth! Astronauts don't do this sort of thing!"

· Anyone: "Y'know, I could live off these food cubes. . ."

· Anyone else: "Yeuch!"

· John to Scorpius: "You look like you landed in the shallow end of the gene pool."

· John: "I'm sure I saw this in a plot of a sci-fi movie once. . ." (Be it B-Movie quality or otherwise)

· Aeryn (wearing t-shirt, standing next to John): "I'm With Stupid --->"

· John receives a message from home. It is in text message style. And he can't understand it.

· John (acting kinda spaced out): "Woo, lookit all the pwetty stars!"

· John to Pilot: "Hey, how come when Moya starbursts, the stars don't zip past the window like they do when the Enterprise goes into warp?"

· John: "All right, I admit it. I stole my wormhole technology from the Borg's knowledge of trans-warp."

· Anyone: "Where's the frelling toilet?!"

· The Uncharted Territories Intergalactic Library send a holo to Scorpius: "Your copy of 'The Complete Idiot's Guide To Villainy' is now 8 cycles and 9 months overdue."

· Aeryn: "Sod this, I'm fed up of blasting people's brains out. I'm hanging up my pulse pistol and chilling out in a three year bath."

· Rygel: (when faced with imminent death) "Bring it on, baby!"

· John: "These food cubes taste just like chicken."

· John: "Or Quorn(TM)."

· John: (singing to the tune of 'Jilted John' by Jilted John) "Scorpy is a moron, Scorpy is a moron." (i.e. the bit where it's "Gordon is a moron")

· Anyone except Aeryn after John's had an argument with her, singing "Jilted John." (Which would then lead to "Aeryn is moron, Aeryn is a moron.")
(If you haven't heard "Jilted John", go out and rent "The Best Punk Album in the World. . .Ever 2" - it's on the second CD of that. Right, that's my plug for the day over with!)

· John to Scorpius: "Didn't you used to be Davros in Doctor Who?"

· John: "I'm allergic to food cubes."

· Rygel: "I'm allergic to food."

· Zhaan: "Argh! The light! It burns! It burns!"

· Pilot: (singing) "Moya's taking us to the zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow, zoo tomorrow. Moya's taking us to the zoo tomorrow, we can stay all day."

· Any of the Aussie cast: "Sod this spaceship lark, we're all off to take bit parts in 'Home and Away' where no one will recognise us."
(Yes, this is a slight dig at Wayne Pygram [sorry!]. Didya see 'im?! Didya?! Didya?! - This will only apply if you aren't American).

· Anyone: "Y'know, standing here holding this pulse pistol is giving me cramp."

· Braca: "Y'know, standing here like I've got a stick up my backside is giving me cramp."

· Rygel: "I'm a coward, hear me whine!"

· Braca: "I'm a kiss-arse, watch me grovel."

· Translator Microbes: (singing) "Life with the amoebas, no one can see us, 'cause we're small, very very small." (You will only get this if you used to watch British kids' TV on ITV about seven years ago. . .OK, maybe it's just me then).

· Moya to crew: All right, that's it. I've had enough. Go on, piss off the lot of you!"

· Any of Moya's crew before taking a transport pod to a planet: "What's it say in 'The Hitchhiker's Guide To The Galaxy' about this place?"

· Anyone to Rygel, Pilot, or even a Scarran: "You frelling Muppet!"

· Scorpius: "John, I *am* your father!"

John: "No! No! That's not true!"

Scorpius: "Come with me, and we can rule the Uncharted Territories as father and son!"

· Stark: "I am mental, hear me rave!"

· PK slogan: "I kill, therefore I am."

· Xhalax: "Oh my God, Aeryn, it's so good to see you! Come and give your mother a hug!"

· Jack to John, after the crew's arrival on Earth: "Are you sure she's an alien? 'Cause that sounds like she's talking backwards with an Aussie accent."

· Scorpius: "OK, I'm lying. I'm your brother, not your father."

John: "Ew. I don't know which is worse."

· PK slogan: "Hell is other people, so get rid of them, before they get rid of you."

· John: "Y'know, Stark, anyone who says they're mad isn't to be believed. I think, however, in your case we can make an exception."

· Stark: "Wow, I'm sane!"

Rest of the crew: "I'll believe *that* when I see it."

· Before Scorpy joined the Peacekeepers, he had a job on a commerce planet as a coolant rod juggler.

· Aeryn: "Oh yay! My mother's coming to visit us with a retrieval squad!"

· Harvey: (singing) "I think I'm a clone now. . ." (You know, the weird Al Yankovic song)

· Scorpius: "Look, John, let's forget all the wormhole technology business. I just wanna be your best friend!"

· Scorpius (threatening John): "I know where you live!"

· John: (acting strange again) "The DRDs are calling my name!"*

· Stark: "I'm really sorry, Zhaan. I seem to have developed the worst case of hay fever."

· John: "Frell. Where exactly *do* you hide a Leviathan?"

· D'Argo: "I think I should calm down a bit. All these Luxan hyper rages can't be good for my health."

· Anyone: "Never mind the toilet, where's the frelling bathroom?!"

· Scorpius: (in best Teletubby voice) "Big hug!"

· Braca: "Hey, whaddya mean it looks like I have no neck?" (There's a screen cap on FS World, from S3's "Incubator" that explains this. . .)

· Anyone that has to wear contacts for their part: "Whaddya mean it looks like I'm on drugs?!"

· John: (while Moya is hiding in asteroid field at the end of S1) "Didn't they do this in Star Wars once? They got eaten by a giant space worm. That won't happen to us, will it?" Any random psychic: "Not yet, John Crichton. Not for a season and a half."

John: "Eh?!"

· Zhaan: "Goddamnit! I am *so* fed up of always being the nice guy all of the time! Frell the lot of you!"

· Scorpius: "Why with the shippyness? Why does no one ever do shippy for me?"

· Stark: "Nuts? Me? Not on your Nelly!"

· John: (replying to Scorpy, above) "I'll tell ya why. 'Cause you're evil! You don't deserve a ship!"

Aeryn: "Which explains why Crais blew up his Command Carrier, right?"

John: "Damn right!"

Scorpius: (w/ quivering lip and everything) "I'm gonna tell my mommy on you."

John: "You can't, she's dead."

Scorpius: "Haven't you ever heard of Ouija boards?"

John: *stalks off into background muttering like Daffy Duck when he's on one*

· Stark: "I'm not mental, I'm just not sane."

· Zhaan: (getting ticked off at all the crew coming to her with their ailments) "I'm not your personal pharmacy, y'know!"

· Scorpius: "Sod this, I'm giving up chasing Crichton, and going off to farm sheep."

. Rygel: "Talk to the hand, 'cause the face ain't listening!"

. Stark: "My side! Your side! My side! Your side! And damned well stay over there!"

*This can be explained. Promise. When I was debating for over a week whether to buy some FS DVDs, I kept saying to my mum "The DVDs are calling my name!". Needless to say, it irritated the shit out of her...

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.