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Chapter One

This is set at the beginning of Season 3, just after Suns and Lovers.
Disclaimer: I don't own these characters.Yet! So, borrowing and stuff.

Rating: 15 for adult context rather than all out orgy action, or excessive blood-letting.


"What is this stuff, anyway?" John asked, surveying the multitude of amber bottles laid out before him. "Colourful."

"This," D'Argo elaborated, "is Koolan juice."

"Cool, so what's it do?"

"It does nothing," D'Argo paused and smiled. " But it helps you forget, and I think we all could do with that right now."

John frowned. "What? So it's like fellip nectar?"

D'Argo smile expanded into laughter. "That, my friend, is Venkat piss compared to this stuff. I have not tasted it in many cycles, but remember it only too well as a boy. I remember absolutely nothing of the Festival of Lar, and that festival lasted seven solar days!"

John shrugged. "Well, it aint Bud, but what ya gonna do?" He hefted a metal container from the back of the transport and struggled with it towards the hover conveyor.

D'Argo enjoying the human's pathetic efforts, stacked three boxes on top of one another and hoisted them easily into his arms. "Don't know what Bud is John."

"Like that's ever stopped him before," Aeryn called from behind the conveyor.

"Hey!" John protested. "I'm not from around these parts, in case you hadn't noticed. I'm not going to just abandon my culture to make you lot happy."

D'Argo, his long stride easily eclipsing the struggling humans, beat John to the conveyor. "We rarely forget that, John."

John refused to be drawn any further on the matter. He returned to the transport and lifted the last of the containers. "So, we've got to thank Rygel for this?"

D'Argo nodded. "For once, our most Serene Eminence has proved useful."

"Yeah, but what's in it for him?"

D'Argo shrugged. "He says it is a gift. A thank you for all the past deeds we have done for him."

They all broke out into fits of laughter. "Yeah, right!" John spluttered. "When has Sparky ever done anything that doesn't first suit his interests?"

"I resent that, Crichton," Rygel muttered, hovering into the transport hangar, followed closely by Chiana.

"Resent it all you want, Rygel, but we all know it is the truth," Aeryn responded.

Rygel muttered something inaudible under his breath.

John gratefully dropped the last container on the hover conveyor. "That's it, all done!"

"So we gonna have a party then!" heralded Chiana, a beaming smile splashing across her grey features, jet eyes gleaming even more than usual.

"The word, Pip," John said. "is par-tay"

"Whatever," Chiana shrugged. "As long as I get very drunk, I don't care what you call it."

"It is a celebration," Rygel corrected.

"Yeah, we heard," John followed, kicking the conveyor into gear. "How's the food going. Chi?"

"Yes, how is the food?" Rygel repeated, back on to his favourite topic.

"Nearly done, and lots of it!"

"Excellent!" beamed the Hynerian. "Did you manage to cook the Lepor cloves? I swear girl, ifyou overcooked them...!"

John grimaced. "Ugh! Don't like the sound of those at all."

Rygel frowned. "Lepor cloves are a rare and expensive delicacy."

"Does that mean they're going to taste like dren?" D'Argo inquired.

Rygel ignored the Luxan. "You should all be frelling grateful. If it wasn't for me, there wouldn't be a party in the first place."

"Par-tay," Chiana corrected.

"Whatever," Rygel dismissed. "Just remember if I hadn't beaten that Mikorian on A'aa'nus, we wouldn't have been able to afford any of this. And do you know how hard it is to beat a Mikorian at Xana squares? They have three brains, you know?"

"Yeah, but they don't cheat," said John.

"Cheat!" grumbled Rygel. "Well, I never!"

Chiana clipped the floating Hynerian around the ear. "You're not fooling anyone, your RoyalSlugginess!"

Rygel smiled. "Too frelling right I cheated! How else was I going to beat him? Did no-one hear me mention the three brains?"

Everyone laughed. They all felt better for it. Recently, things had been very tense aboard Moya, not least between D'Argo and Chiana, and with Zhaan deteriorating by the microt, everybody needed something to cheer them up. When Rygel had first suggested the 'celebration', nobody had been in favour of it, save Aeryn. She surprised them all by backing the Hynerian, and gradually they all succumbed. All they had needed was some food and some drink. That had required currency, and thanks to the conniving Rygel they had plenty. The celebration was set, and now everyone was looking forward to it.

"So lets get this stuff up to the Pilots den and hopefully we can force Chiana's muck down our throats!" concluded Rygel, about turning and heading out the transport hangar.

"Amen to that!" chorused John as he began to manoeuvre the conveyor after the Hynerian.

* * *

A table was set up in the den. Pilot had protested about the need for him to participate, but the crew were having none of his nonsense. Pilot was glad they had protested, but he kept that to himself. It would no do for him to show how much he enjoyed there company. Then they'd be there all the time! How would he ever get any work done?

Chiana, aided by John and Aeryn brought up dish after dish of exotic foods. There was something for everyone. From Rygel's cloves, to a passable attempt at deep fried chicken wings for John. They were more accurately Jobi wings, but John was of the school of thought that said, if you closed your eyes then everything tasted like chicken.

It was a fine spread, and everyone congratulated the Nebari on a job well done, save D'Argo. With heating units to keep the food warm, and cooling units to keep the Koolan juice cold, in place, everybody settled down to the celebration.

Pilot, sat and watched. Stark and Zhaan, close together, Zhaan, clearly showing the strain, as Stark coddled her at every opportunity. John and Aeryn, the occasional glance and smile passing between them as they ate. D'Argo, concentrating more fully on eating than was necessary, avoiding eye contact with Chiana at all costs. Rygel, oblivious of anything but the food, offering the occasional complaint, but appearing generally satisfied. Chiana, more subdued than usual, her eyes rising fleetingly to gaze at the Luxan.

Conversation was slow, at first, but as the Koolan juice flowed, and the satisfying meals began tosettle in there bellies, they began to talk.

Penises, Qodongs and Jeff Goldblum..

"I'm telling you, Rygel, that size does not matter!" protested John.

"You would say that," retorted Aeryn, with a crooked smile.

"Hey!" John spluttered. "Have you been looking or something?"

"You don't have to look, John," smiled D'Argo. "It is obvious for everyone to see!"

Laughter rippled around the table.

"Now hold on a microt!" John interrupted. "This is supposed to be about Rygel and his diminutive stature."

"Watch it, human," responded Rygel, a fork held menacingly in his hand.

"What, Sparky? You gonna stab me in the shin?"

More laughter.

"Boys, please," said Zhaan. "I'm sure you're all very big in your own ways!"

Aeryn spat a piece of Bergit bread across the table.

"I, for one," insisted D'Argo, "Have no fears in that department."

All eyes turned to Chiana. She shrugged. "Ya know, I've seen bigger."

D'Argo leapt to his feet. Such was the slur against him, he inadvertently broke his self-imposed silence against his former lover. "You have not!"

Chiana smiled. "Well, there was this Qodong on Yeres..."

"Qodong?" gasped Aeryn. "They're nearly twice the size of a Luxan."

Chiana nodded. "That they are."

Laughter, again, save form D'Argo, who growled, but returned to his seated position.

"Well, I know I'm bigger than Sparky," John grumbled, picking at the last of his Jobi wings.

"Crichton! I warn you!"

"Easy, little guy," soothed Chiana. "Don't let big bad John upset you. He has a self-esteem problem, that's all."

"Self-esteem? I didn't start this, ya know."

"I am not built that way, Crichton!'" bemoaned the Hynerian. "And exactly how many concubines did you have?"

John sighed. "Look, all I'm gonna say on the matter is, I've never had any complaints."

"Yeah, I bet," said Aeryn. "But that's probably because all earth girls are easy!"

"Say what?!" John pushed his plate away from him. "Earth girls are not, I repeat not easy! Just ask Jeff Goldblum."

"Jef Golnbloom?" queried Stark, deathly serious. "He was with me on Merid XI. He was on Earth too?"

Chiana giggled, soon to be joined by the rest of the crew.

"Gold-blum," corrected John, his face reddening in frustration, then thinking better of it, "Forget it! Whatever! I can handle this! So what if you think I'm deficient. Lets just say, Meredith O'Shaugnessy had no complaints, and that girl was easy!"

"Calm down, John. I'm sure on your planet you are more than adequate," mediated Zhaan.

"Blue," John sighed. "I swear I'll come over there and demonstrate myself just how adequate John Crichton is!"

Zhaan smiled. "John, you wouldn't last sixty microts."

"Sixty!" laughed Rygel. "That's a bit hopeful, isn't it?"

Laughter, once again.

"I don't see what the fuss is about, myself," offered Pilot. "The whole process, as far as I can
tell is a little messy, and lacking in fulfilment."

"How' exactly would you know, Pilot?" asked D'Argo, still riled by Chiana's slur.

"Well, I-" Pilot cheeks flushed purple.

"Don't think I didn't spot those DRD's, Pilot," said Chiana.

"I have not, will not....I have never," blurted the flustered Pilot.

"Don't worry yourself, big guy," Chiana assured. "I always like to perform before an audience."
Pilot opened his large maw, then thinking better of it, closed it.
Chiana giggled. "Anyone else wanna watch, just let me know."

"Well," began Rygel. "As long as it's not Crichton. I can't find my magnifying crystal anywhere."

Laughter reigned, and even John smiled. The celebration was up and running.



DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.