Established: 03 March 2002

Current News
News Archive
Episode Reviews
Character Profiles
Spoiler Archive
Kemps Corner
Poll Archive
Farscape Links
Other Links

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as would pictures of wives and girlfriends naked. Submissions? Anything really. Click on the smiley face!

All text, HTML etc. on this site is the property of the webmaster and is not to be used without the webmasters permission. He's an amicable sort of fellow, so if you ask nicely, I'm sure it won't be a problem. Please don't snurch!

© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



Chapter Six



Once D'Argo had stopped thinking that he was a valley girl and Aeryn had gotten all of the pink ribbons out of her hair, the question arose of whether they should go and explore New York City or justsit on the Carpathia for another two solar days and listen to Dakki babble about Darien. Needless to say, they decided that they would have a look around.

As soon as they got off the boat, Chi decided that she wanted to go to the big tall spiky building. The crew decided to split up, with Chiana, Jack, and D'Argo going to the Empire State Building, Aeryn and John going to Central Park, and Rygel going to Tiffany's to look at the shiny things.


As it turned out, just getting to the top of the Empire State Building was an ordeal. D'Argo (who seemed to finally be back to normal) thought that going on the elevator was for wimps, and decided to climb all eighty-six flights of stairs.

About one third of the way up, Chi wasn't looking too good and Jack had gone to the gift shop about twenty minutes ago. "DAKKI, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO US???" Chi yelled, out of breath. "Couldn't you just have him take the elevator???" Unfortunately, Dakki was in the kitchen making a sandwich, so she didn't hear the blood-curdling screams of an exhausted Nebari.

"Honestly, I don't know what the fuss is about!" D'Argo said. "When I was a young Luxan, we had to walk to school every day, uphill both ways, in the snow! And we didn't have shoes! We had to stand in Cow pies to keep our feet, Dakki? We didn't HAVE any cows."

"Budong pies, then," Dakki said absently, "by the way, do you happen to have any mustard?"

D'Argo was about to point out that they didn't have any Budong pies either, and even if they did he wouldn't stand in them even if his feet were about to fall off, since everyone knows that Budong pies are made primarily out of semi digested Bannick slaves, but right then Chiana fainted.
"Hmm. Maybe I SHOULD take the elevator".


At this point, Rygel was having a positively lovely time at Tiffany's. He was just looking at an exquisite six-million carat diamond ring when a girl eating a croissant and orange juice came up to him. At this point, Rygel realized that he hadn't eaten for two arns, so he decided to get steal some food from the girl. Of course, she was too quick for him.

"Oh, hello!" she said, apparently not noticing that the subject of her interest was very close to either biting her ear off or spitting on her.

"I'm Holly Golightly! I come here to eat breakfast whenever I have the mean reds. What's YOUR name? My brother's name is Fred. Do you mind if I call you Fred?...I'm really from a little town called Tulip, and my real name is Lulamae.poor Fred!" after delivering this stunning monologue, she burst into tears and then ran off to find her cat.

However, while this was very entertaining, Rygel still had to face the problem of getting some nosh.


"Oh, John......" Aeryn said happily, "It's so romantic here."

"Um, Aeryn, I, ahh, well-I mean-"

"Whatever you have to say, John, it can wait."

"But, Aeryn, you-well, you see-"

"John, I'll be frank"

"I thought your name was Aeryn."

"Shut up and kiss me."

After an absolutely perfect John-and-Aeryn kiss (somewhere between the one right after she died and the one on Talyn when John was showing Aeryn his star charts.okay, maybe I'm a little obsessed.) John still had a bone to pick with Aeryn.


"What is it, John?"

"You might want to put your pulse pistol away. People are looking at you a little strangely..."

Just then, Dakki's friend Lilo wandered over, and began having conniptions, right on the pigeon crap-speckled lawns of central park.

"DAKKI!!! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???" she shrieked.

"Uhhhhhh...peanut?" John asked, "Or I could just take my shirt off again."

"Nope, no good..." Dakki said cheerfully, helping herself to John's peanuts, "She thinks you're too furry. And also that your eyes are too small."

"Well then what DOES she like?????" a thousand enraged fanfic readers roared.

"Darien. Duh." Dakki said, "And why am I referring to myself in third person? she asked curiously.

"It sounds better." Aeryn said, "So, why was Lilo having conniptions?"

"She wants me to put Darien in my fanfics. Actually, she had this Idea that I should go into an alternate dimension Where Television Shows Are Real."

"That'd be cool," John said, "I always wanted to meet Darien."

"Yeah, but you see..." Dakki began "I'd also have to incorporate Hobbes and The Official and Alex and Snarky British Chick and everything. And you wouldn't really want to deal with them. And also, it was easy to do Titanic because basically every person in the world has seen it, but..."

At this point Lilo went off to get a hot dog ("Hey, wait a minute, I'm vegetarian!" Lilo said rudely.

"Put on your thinking thingy" Dakki said, exasperated, "Hot dogs contain absolutely no food.

They're made out of boots and sorcerer's stones and stuff. Duh." "Oh, right," Lilo said cheerfully) and John and Aeryn went to join Chi and D'Argo at the top of the Empire State Building.


" did I...what did-" Chi squeaked.

"Shhhh...I carried you up fifty-six flights of stairs. Isn't the sunset MAGNIFICENT, Jothee?"

"Oh, frell, not this again." Chi said angrily. "Actually, why am I saying 'again'? D'Argo did this in

'They've got a secret', which was episode ten, and I came aboard Moya in 'Durka Returns', which was episode fifteen."

"Good job," said Dakki, and gave Chi a cookie.

"So can you make him quit doing that?" Chi asked sweetly.

"Sure," Dakki said, and waved her

"Shhh...I carried you up fifty-six flights of stairs. Isn't the sunset MAGNIFICENT, Chiana? By the way, I think we should get back together."

"YAY!" Chiana said, "THANK YOU, DAKKI!!!!"

Suddenly, Aeryn and Crichton emerged from the top floor gift shop.

"HOW did you get here so FAST??" Chi said, amazed.

"We took the elevator, stupid." Aeryn said. "what the Yatz did you do?"

"We...took the stairs." D'Argo said, confused.

"Oh, by the way, we found this on the ground floor. He's yours, right, Pip?" John said, handing over the leash that secured He-Man Jack to Chiana.

"Hmmm..." Chi mused, "well, I'm really sorry, but I'm bored of you now, so I'm going to have to let you go."

"Woof?" said He-Man Jack.

"Bye-bye!" Chiana said happily, dumping Jack off the top of the empire state building. He would eventually fall in through the roof of the deli where Harry and Sally were eating, but that's another story.


At this point, Rygel was motoring along fifth avenue, wondering where he could get some good caviar, when suddenly, a strange looking girl wearing combat boots and a shirt that said "Tree hugger" on it bumped into him.

"Hey!" Said the strange looking girl, "I'm Lilo! Don't call me that!"

"Sorry," Dakki sniffed.

"Hmm..." Rygel said, his mouth watering, "What's that?"

"It's a hot dog," Lilo said, confused. "Here do you want it? They taste kinda crappy. I mean, I only bought it because I..." but of course by this time Rygel had eaten it and ran away looking for more, leaving Lilo to talk to no one in particular for fifteen minutes and then run off to see if she could find any pictures of Darien without his shirt on so she could blow them up and put them above her bed.

<prev      next >

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.