Chapter
Five
ON
DRY LAND
"LOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!!
ALL IS LOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTT!!" Rygel screamed, devastated.
It was the morning of...er...the next day, and everyone had slept
peacefully out on the top deck in some mysterious REI sleeping
bags, with the exception of Chi and He-Man Jack, who had slept
together.
"What
the Hezmana is it?" Aeryn asked grumpily, angry to be woken
from the Peacekeeper version of a "Beauty Rest". "No
one died."
"My Caviar!"
he wailed. "All my beautiful Caviar is gone...I...dropped
it."
John gave him some baklava to shut him up, but by that time everyone
had woken up, and soon there was another concern altogether.
"Oh my
God!" Rose shrieked, "Where's my big blue diamond thingy?!"
Once again, Aeryn marveled at her stupidity. "Haven't I
taught you ANYTHING?" she scolded, "Rygel steals every
shiny thing he sees. If you want to keep any other possessions,
then I suggest you put them in your bra. But even then you can't
be sure."
In her sorrow,
Rose began an amazingly off-key version of "All By Myself"
thus ruining any chances of Chi and Jack having any peace.
"Don't
worry," Chi said soothingly, as she and Jack emerged from
their sleeping bag, "The bigger they are, the harder they
fall...which actually applies to yesterday's events as well..."
she added, chuckling.
"I wish
Bluey was here," Crichton said, wistfully.
"You already
said that, you idiot," Aeryn snarled, punching him in the
arm. "Do that one more time and I'm confiscating your coloring
books."
"Ow!"
he said, "quit it! It wasn't MY fault. Dakki just realized
that I hadn't had any lines so far in chapter five and she couldn't
think of anything for me to say."
The Carpathia
was Carpathiaing
"DAKKI,
QUIT DOING THAT!" Aeryn bellowed rudely. "It may have
worked the first four times, but it's getting old."
"You know,
I am seriously considering only writing Invisible Man fanfics
from now on." Dakki said, annoyed.
"Oh, PLEASE,"
Aeryn said, haughtily, "You wouldn't last one week. Darien
never wears leather pants."
"I could
MAKE him wear leather pants," Dakki said, irritated.
"Look,
can you just get on with the fanfic, please," Crichton said.
"Only
if you take off your shirt," Dakki said, trying to sound
authoritative.
"Fine,"
said Crichton.
Crichton took
off his shirt, causing all the people on the Carpathia to cheer
wildly and Rose to stop singing and lapse into a coma, much to
everyone's relief.
Just then,
the good ship Carpa-
"Wait
a minute," Chi asked obnoxiously, "Why is it the 'good'
ship? Why not the 'great' ship, or the 'okay' ship?"
"Shut
up," Rygel said, whacking Chi with the big blue diamond
thingy.
Just then,
the good ship Carpathia docked in New York City.
"Miss?
Can I take your name for the survivor's list, please?" said
a man holding a pen (from now on referred to as Guy HAP), as
he walked over to Rose, who had woken up from her coma.
"Yes,"
she said, gazing off into the rising sun, a tear rolling down
her porcelain cheek, "Holiday. Candi Holiday."
"Thank
you, Candi" Guy HAP said, and walked off, being careful
to avoid the big guy with tentacles who was at the moment putting
the finishing touches on a four-tiered wedding cake.
"What
was that?" Chi asked incredulously.
"Oh, that,"
Rose said, brightly, "Well, I figure I need a stage name.
Rose DeWitt Bukater is just too hard to remember. I mean, I remember
when I first met Jack, he said 'I'll have to write that down'.
Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that he's
really stupid, but it IS a long name."
"Hey!"
Aeryn said sharply, "Why don't you go now."
"Oh, okay,"
Rose said happily. "Bye bye now."
"Bye."
Everyone said, deadpan as...something that's really deadpan.
I'll get back to you on that.
"Crichton,
what are you DOING?" Dakki suddenly shrieked.
"What?...oh,
uh, I was just putting my shirt back on. That okay?"
"NO!"
everyone screamed, except for Jack, who was busy playing with
an etch-a-sketch.
Just then,
D'Argo waltzed over. "Hey guys." He said, "anyone
want me to give them a makeover?"
"Uh....D,
what's your name, and where do you live?"
"Like,
duh, it's Veronica, and I'm from, like, Beverly Hills."
"Ah,"
said Crichton, and then promptly stole Jack's Etch-a-sketch and
started drawing a car.
"OH...MY...GOD..."
D'Argo shrieked, rushing over to Aeryn. "You, like, SO need
a makeover," he said.
And before
Aeryn could stop him, he had taken away her pulse-pistol and
was putting on some lipstick and blue eyeshadow and curling her
hair.
"Uh, Veronica?
I think that maybe this isn't--" she began.
"First
of all, it's not Veronica anymore, it's V. Second, you look great.
Now, I just need to put on a little mascara and then maybe some
nail polish."
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