Established: 03 March 2002

Current News
News Archive
Episode Reviews
Character Profiles
Spoiler Archive
Kemps Corner
Poll Archive
Farscape Links
Other Links

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated, as would pictures of wives and girlfriends naked. Submissions? Anything really. Click on the smiley face!

All text, HTML etc. on this site is the property of the webmaster and is not to be used without the webmasters permission. He's an amicable sort of fellow, so if you ask nicely, I'm sure it won't be a problem. Please don't snurch!

© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.



Chapter Five



"LOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTT!! ALL IS LOOOOOOOOSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTT!!" Rygel screamed, devastated. It was the morning next day, and everyone had slept peacefully out on the top deck in some mysterious REI sleeping bags, with the exception of Chi and He-Man Jack, who had slept together.

"What the Hezmana is it?" Aeryn asked grumpily, angry to be woken from the Peacekeeper version of a "Beauty Rest". "No one died."

"My Caviar!" he wailed. "All my beautiful Caviar is gone...I...dropped it."
John gave him some baklava to shut him up, but by that time everyone had woken up, and soon there was another concern altogether.

"Oh my God!" Rose shrieked, "Where's my big blue diamond thingy?!"
Once again, Aeryn marveled at her stupidity. "Haven't I taught you ANYTHING?" she scolded, "Rygel steals every shiny thing he sees. If you want to keep any other possessions, then I suggest you put them in your bra. But even then you can't be sure."

In her sorrow, Rose began an amazingly off-key version of "All By Myself" thus ruining any chances of Chi and Jack having any peace.

"Don't worry," Chi said soothingly, as she and Jack emerged from their sleeping bag, "The bigger they are, the harder they fall...which actually applies to yesterday's events as well..." she added, chuckling.

"I wish Bluey was here," Crichton said, wistfully.

"You already said that, you idiot," Aeryn snarled, punching him in the arm. "Do that one more time and I'm confiscating your coloring books."

"Ow!" he said, "quit it! It wasn't MY fault. Dakki just realized that I hadn't had any lines so far in chapter five and she couldn't think of anything for me to say."

The Carpathia was Carpathiaing

"DAKKI, QUIT DOING THAT!" Aeryn bellowed rudely. "It may have worked the first four times, but it's getting old."

"You know, I am seriously considering only writing Invisible Man fanfics from now on." Dakki said, annoyed.

"Oh, PLEASE," Aeryn said, haughtily, "You wouldn't last one week. Darien never wears leather pants."

"I could MAKE him wear leather pants," Dakki said, irritated.

"Look, can you just get on with the fanfic, please," Crichton said.

"Only if you take off your shirt," Dakki said, trying to sound authoritative.

"Fine," said Crichton.

Crichton took off his shirt, causing all the people on the Carpathia to cheer wildly and Rose to stop singing and lapse into a coma, much to everyone's relief.

Just then, the good ship Carpa-

"Wait a minute," Chi asked obnoxiously, "Why is it the 'good' ship? Why not the 'great' ship, or the 'okay' ship?"

"Shut up," Rygel said, whacking Chi with the big blue diamond thingy.

Just then, the good ship Carpathia docked in New York City.

"Miss? Can I take your name for the survivor's list, please?" said a man holding a pen (from now on referred to as Guy HAP), as he walked over to Rose, who had woken up from her coma.

"Yes," she said, gazing off into the rising sun, a tear rolling down her porcelain cheek, "Holiday. Candi Holiday."

"Thank you, Candi" Guy HAP said, and walked off, being careful to avoid the big guy with tentacles who was at the moment putting the finishing touches on a four-tiered wedding cake.

"What was that?" Chi asked incredulously.

"Oh, that," Rose said, brightly, "Well, I figure I need a stage name. Rose DeWitt Bukater is just too hard to remember. I mean, I remember when I first met Jack, he said 'I'll have to write that down'. Of course, that may have something to do with the fact that he's really stupid, but it IS a long name."

"Hey!" Aeryn said sharply, "Why don't you go now."

"Oh, okay," Rose said happily. "Bye bye now."

"Bye." Everyone said, deadpan as...something that's really deadpan. I'll get back to you on that.

"Crichton, what are you DOING?" Dakki suddenly shrieked.

"What?...oh, uh, I was just putting my shirt back on. That okay?"

"NO!" everyone screamed, except for Jack, who was busy playing with an etch-a-sketch.

Just then, D'Argo waltzed over. "Hey guys." He said, "anyone want me to give them a makeover?"

"Uh....D, what's your name, and where do you live?"

"Like, duh, it's Veronica, and I'm from, like, Beverly Hills."

"Ah," said Crichton, and then promptly stole Jack's Etch-a-sketch and started drawing a car.

"OH...MY...GOD..." D'Argo shrieked, rushing over to Aeryn. "You, like, SO need a makeover," he said.

And before Aeryn could stop him, he had taken away her pulse-pistol and was putting on some lipstick and blue eyeshadow and curling her hair.

"Uh, Veronica? I think that maybe this isn't--" she began.

"First of all, it's not Veronica anymore, it's V. Second, you look great. Now, I just need to put on a little mascara and then maybe some nail polish."


<prev      next >

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.