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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.





Author's Note: I got the idea for this fic one day about a monen (kids, you know you're obsessed when you start throwing scaper jargon into everyday conversations without knowing it) ago when I found some bboards that could only be described as incredible. They talked all about Zhargo, Xann, Erin Sune (who's mum, Zalaks, had apparently just died), Jon Kryton, Moia, Geana, and The Guy With The Black Ponytail. So I thought, hey, if I coupled an amazing lack of knowledge of the show with a cheesy storyline, really bad grammar and spelling (just cuz those are two of my biggest pet peeves), and nonexistent plot then I would getwellsomething remarkably like Lexx (sorry to Lexx fans, butit's true). However, I would also get a prototype of the worst Farscape fic possible for anyone to write. So here it is, kids. And if you can come up with something worse, thenwellit would have to be a Lexx fic.


An Intentionally Bad Farscape Fic By Dakki

One day on Moia Erin and Jon were sitting in the mess hall eating some food cubes. It was pretty tense, cuz Zalaks had just died and erin was sad. Jon was trying to cheer her up, but it wasnt working."Come on, erin" he said, trying to get her to smile "I loved you the minute I met you. Wats wrong?"

but before erin could anser krase walked in.

"Hey guys" Krase said. 'are you ok?"

"we're as alright as we could be, krase." Erin said, munching thoughtfully on her foodcubes. "say did you just feel Moia move oddley?"

"yeah come to think of it erin you are correct." Jon said, "it seemed like Moia did move oddly."

"id better talk to pilot," Krase said, pointing his face towards the clamshell."Pilot can you here me."

"yes I can here you krase. what is up?" Pilot said his face appearing.

"Moia just moved weirdly" erin said, "is anything wrong?'

"I don't know erin that is a good question though." Pilot said, "you should ask rigele. He is the captain after all."

'oh. You are right pilot," jon said thoughtfully, "I had not thought of that. RIGELE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yeled.

"what is it what is it??" rigele exclamed as he ran into the mess hall.

"Rigele we need your help!" erin scremed. " we felt moia move strangely and we wanted you're help!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"ok I can help you" rigele said "get some weapons, and enough food and water to last us 2 weeks. Also find Xann, Zhargo, and Geana. Ztarx is on talon so we can't bring him. Then we will all go in erin's prowler and go to the outside of moia to see what is wrong and we will fix it!!!!!!" rigele said.

"o rigele, I knew you would think of something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!' Erin said, "I will get started!!"


About fortyfive minutes later, jon had Alerted Xann, Zhargo, and Geana, and Erin and Krase had got the food & water. Many arns had passed. They all piled into erins prowler and rigele jumped in and turned the key in the ignition. They lifted off the ground and shot off into space. It took a while to get far enough away from moia to see wat was wrong cuz erin kept forgetting her lipstick on Moia so they had to go back n get it. Finally they got very far away and they could all see what the problem was. The problem was this: a big flying saucer with green & red lights was attacking moia!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"ohno what will we do??" erin cried.

"dont worry" krase said, "rigele will think of something to do!"

"I know what we will do!!!" rigele exclamed "we will go onto the ship and ask politely that they stop attacking Moia." He said.

"oh rigele you are so smart!!!!" Geana said thoughtfully "what a good captain you are!!'

"well I guess we should go and ask them to stop!" Zhargo said "I hope they are nice! Then we can maybe have lunch with them!'

"lunch would be great!" Xann said thoughtfuylly

"yes" jon agreed "I have a hankering for sandwitches!!"

"me too" erin said.

"okay then we are going on the ship" rigele said as he put erins prowler in the flying saucer. As soon as they got out the aliens came to meet them!! They had big green heads and eyes and they were very green!

"hello" Zhargo said, "we noticed that you were attacking our ship and we were wondering if could you please stop doing that if you dont mind?"

"yes!" krase agreed "we do not like to have our ship attacked!!"

"we are sorry" said one of the aliens 'but we will keep attacking you're ship because we want to and you cant stop us you silly peopples!! Now we will put you in prison!! Then we will grind your bones to make our bread!! Ha! Ha!!!! Ha!"

"oh no jon!!! Now wat wil we do?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!"

"I do not know," jon said as the aliens began to drag them away "I do not know."


many arns later, they were still in the cell!!

"oh jon what will we do??" erin said as she paced around the room. She was beginning to be upset! She did not want her bones ground to make bread!!

"I do not know how to get out," jon admitted "but I do know one thing" he said drawingher in and holding her close "but I do know one thing: I love you. I will always love you. And if I am going to die, I want one last night with you!!"

"oh, jon!" erin whispered kissing jon.

"look you guys!!" Xann said loudly "look wat I have! I will save you all!"
everybody looked up. Xann had been very quiet lately, and they wanted to know wat it was!

"what is it" rygel asked egerly

"yes what is it??" krase inkwired!

"well" xann said pulling a gun out of her sleeve "before we left erins prowler I took this gun!! Now we dont have to be bread!"

before anyone could even thank Xann she shot down the door then ran out and shot all the aliens

"DIE ALIENS!!!!!!!!!" she shrieked amidst the carnage!

"oh xann you are my hero!!" erin yelled running up and hugging xann!

Then they all went in the transport pod and went back to moia, and then they all had a delicious lunch. They ate lots of sandwitches. Then erin & jon kised and walked into the sunset


A million shout-outs to Iris Green, T'eyla Minh, and last but certainly not least, the one and only Pippa.

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.