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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.

 

 

I've Told You Time And Time Again Not To Drink Anything With Caffeine After Four O'Clock In The Afternoon, But Did You Listen To Me? Noo(9)
 
As I quickly move from the realm of sillyfic to the equally bizarre but scarier realm of badfic, I have but two words to say: I'm sorry. Jeff Foxworthy warning to meridianophobes (people who are afraid of southerners).

 

Chapter 1

 

"TAVLEK!" Corde shouted.

 

Chapter 2

 

"Was that the freakazoid Farscape version of 'Rosebud'?" Jaimie asked.

 

"Er, yeah, something like that," admitted Corde. "Holy frelling son of a bacchae."

 

"Corde," Tinka said warningly, "you're mixing genres again."

 

Corde sighed. "I know. But I have to do something to make this fic interesting. I think I'm running out of ideas."

 

"Nonsense," said Aeryn. Tinka closed her eyes and put her hands over her ears. "You just aren't inspired."

 

"Oh, and I was before? Even Ekiri said they were getting worse."

 

"No, she just said the last one wasn't as hilarious as the others. Get a grip, Corde, you'll get an idea. You always do." Aeryn was attempting to be reassuring.

 

It didn't work. "But what if I don't?" Corde wailed. "What if I only had a certain amount of silliness in my entire life, and I used it all in those seven fics?"

 

"Six," said Aeryn.

 

"My fic folder has seven," argued Corde.

 

"Yeah, but that last one wasn't very good."

 

"Neither is this one," said Jaimie.

 

"Hey wait," said Corde, realizing something. "Aren't you and Tinka at a Kid Rock concert?"

 

"Yep," said Jaimie. "In this story we're just products of your twisted psyche." Tinka nodded her agreement.

 

"Oh," said Corde. "Well, now that we've established that"

 

Chapter 3

 

"Why don't you write what you wrote in GED class today?" asked Aeryn. "It will fill space if nothing else."

 

"So this is all about filling space, huh? All I do is mumble for three pages and call it a fic?" Corde was beginning to get angry. Mostly at herself, since she couldn't think of anything to write about.

 

"It's worked before," said Aeryn. "Look, just call it chapter 4 and get on with it."

 

" 'Get on with it' she says. Huh. Maybe she'd like to be the author sometimes"Corde grumbled as she got her notebook.

 

Chapter 4

 

Reciprocal Identities

sin Q = 1/csc Q

cos Q = 1/sec Q

tan Q = 1/cot Q

Pythagorean Identities

 

"What the frell are you doing?" Aeryn yelled.

 

"Oops, wrong page. These are the trig notes I took okay, here's the stuff I wrote."

 

Chapter 4

 

"Corde," said Aeryn, "what are you doing? You're supposed to be reviewing trig. You are going to have to take math in college. And they won't be learning about absolute values either. Unlike this class"

 

"I know," said Corde. "I'm warming up for the writing section of the pre-GED. I left the math for last, so I'm doing writing today."

 

"Warming up? What a lame excuse," said Aeryn. "You're just trying to get out of trig."

 

"No, really," said Corde. "This creativity stuff doesn't come in the mail, y'know. I have to exercise my creative muscles constantly."

 

"But this isn't a creative thing," Aeryn argued. "It's an essay thing. 'Which one of the 19th century American presidents are you most like, and why' and suchlike. You could do that in your sleep."

 

 "I useta'could," Corde corrected. "But I haven't written a five paragraph paper since last May. I've nearly forgotten how. If I want this little thing to be good, it will have to be entertaining. Besides," she added sheepishly," my graphing calculator is broken."

 

"The batteries are dead, stupid," Aeryn scoffed.

 

"I know that now," Corde snapped. She looked up at what the class was doing. "Ava help me, they're learning FRACTIONS!"

 

"No need to get snooty about fractions, Miss I-can't-do-trig-without-my-calculator." Aeryn admonished. "You're learning vectors; they're learning fractions. It's all math. Now can it and do your trig."

 

Chapter 5

 

"So how did you do on your writing test?" asked Jaimie.

 

"I don't know. She didn't have time to grade it before I left," said Corde.

 

"WUSS!" yelled Zhaan.

 

"Why does she keep doing that?" Jaimie wondered, staring at the blue delvian.

 

"Someone said they liked it, so Corde thinks if she does it every time, at least one person will like her fic," explained Crichton, who had just walked into the room wearing nothing but boxer shorts.

 

A faint, muffled cry was heard, of many female voices. "Thank you!" they called.

 

"Anytime," Corde yelled back.

 

Aeryn smacked Crichton upside the head. "Put some clothes on."

 

Crichton stood motionless for a few moments, and then walked away again.

 

"They wouldn't do that on Seinfeld," said Jaimie.

 

"Yeah, they probably would," said Chia Pet.

 

"You're right, they would," said Jaimie.

 

"Hey," said Chia Pet. "Where'd everybody go?"

 

THE END

 

Chapter 6

 

Tinka uncovered her ears. She didn't hear anything. She opened her eyes. Nothing. "Uh, hey, Jaimie? Corde? Where did everybody go?"

 

THE END

 

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DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.