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The Perils
Of Discussing Popular Culture With Fictional Characters Who May
Very Well Turn Out To Be Music Critics In Another Life(8)
This
one isn't my fault. You guys told me to keep writing, so I wrote.
Don't blame me if it makes no sense. Well, okay, I guess you
can blame me, because who else is there to blame? I mean, aside
from Bongo, who I blame for everything anyway.
Chapter 1
"I never
wanna hear you say, I want it that way" Corde crooned as
she sat at her computer. Aeryn came up behind her and smacked
her upside the head. "OW!" screamed Corde. "What
the frell did you do that for?"
"Don't
sing that song," said Aeryn.
"WHAT
song?" asked Corde, still rubbing the back of her head.
"THAT
song," said Aeryn.
"Oh. Sorry,"
said Corde. "It was an accident. I hate that song. I won't
do it again."
"See that
you don't," Aeryn warned, the PK mentality showing in her
face.
Corde typed
in silence for a few more minutes. She was working on a Farscape
fic. After a while, she started to hum softly. Then she began
singing. "Heartbreaker, you got the best of me, and I just
keep on coming back incessantly" Aeryn smacked her upside
the head again.
"Don't
sing that either," she told Corde.
"OW! Yeah,
sorry. I can't seem to help it for some reason" said Corde
pitifully.
"Try,"
said Aeryn.
She worked
quietly for a time. Then, for no reason, she suddenly belted
out, "You drive me crazy! I just can't think" and Aeryn
smacked her upside the head. "Thanks Aeryn. I don't know
what I would do without you," Corde said gratefully.
"Not much,"
said Aeryn. "You'd be infinitely less entertaining, for
one."
"You got
that right," said Corde. Just then, Crichton wandered in
("Sheesh!" said Chia. "More wandering! This has
got to be the wanderingest group of characters around."
"Shut up, Chia Pet. Who's the author here?" growled
Corde.) wearing headphones. He was singing.
"Hit me
baby one more time!" he sang with feeling. Aeryn hit him.
Crichton fell to the floor, out cold.
"That
was easy enough," she said, dusting her hands off. Corde
nodded her agreement and went back to her fic.
After a few
minutes, she stopped. "This just isn't working."
"Hmm?"
Aeryn asked absently, studying Crichton's pecs from where he
had fallen on the floor.
"I can't
write. It's not working. There's nothing there. It won't happen,"
Corde overexplained.
"What?"
Aeryn asked, looking up from Crichton. "What do you mean?
Let me see," and she went over to the computer and read
over Corde's shoulder. "Oh," she said when she had
finished reading. "I see what you mean. You keep singing
bad songs, and I keep hitting you. Not much of a plot there"
"I know,"
said Corde, "that's my point. I can't think of a plot."
"Not that
you usually have one," said Chia Pet. "And are you
ever going to stop calling me that?"
"Not as
long as you keep insulting my fic," Corde answered sweetly,
"so get used to it."
D'Argo limped
into the room. "Hey," Chiana remarked with surprise,
"he's not wandering."
"My feet
hurt too much to wander," D'Argo complained. "What
happened? I feel as though my feet have been run over by many
hundreds of DRDs."
No one looked
at him. After a few more grumbles, he limped off to soak his
feet.
"Wuss,"
said Zhaan. Everyone dissolved into giggles.
Chapter 2
Aula Naevia
was translating Virgil's "Aeneid" one day when she
came upon a curious word. "Book 1 line 50!" she exclaimed.
" 'Corde' is an actual Latin word!" But since Naevia
had never been a very good Latin student, she didn't know what
the word meant. So she looked it up. "Check this out!"
she exclaimed. " 'Cordax, cordacis, m; indecent dance. Hmm,
it sorta looks like 'corde,' but it doesn't decline right. Ah,
here it is. 'Cor, cordis, n: heart.' So 'corde' means 'by/with/from
the heart.' Fun."
"Better
than 'wuss,'" said Zhaan.
"Too right,"
said Naevia. Then she did a double take. "Hey, where did
you come from?"
Chapter 3
Aeryn was trying
to solve a mystery. "So Corde, why did you start to sing
all those bad songs?"
Corde shrugged.
"I watched the Billboard Music Awards," she said. "I
didn't mean to. It was an accident."
"Ah-HA!"
Aeryn said with satisfaction. "Then my Britney Spears theory
is correct!"
"What,
the one where she's a skank?" Corde asked maliciously. ("Can
I say skank in this?" Corde asked. "Sure," Aeryn
replied, "it's PG13.")
"No, although
she is," Aeryn answered. "The one where the frequency
of her music carries an alien brain fungus which makes all listeners
addicted to her music, and later receptive to an alien takeover."
"Oh, that,"
said Corde. "Yeah, everybody knows that."
"Oh,"
said Aeryn. "Okay then."
Chapter 27
Zhaan kicked
Loni Anderson viciously in the ribs. "And THAT," she
screamed, "is for 'Munchie Strikes Back'!"
"Whoa,"
said D'Argo. "She's down for the count."
Chapter 3
Aeryn was trying
to solve a mystery. "So Corde, why did you start to sing
all those bad songs?"
Corde shrugged.
"I watched the Billbo hey, didn't we already do this one?"
Aeryn looked
around. "Yeah, I guess we did. Just before we saw Zhaan
kicking the dren out of Loni Anderson."
"Good.
She deserves it for 'A Night at the Roxbury" if nothing
else."
Crichton woke
up, shook his head, and turned on his headphones again. He then
began jerking his head in time with the music.
"Excuse
me," said Aeryn. She went over to Crichton and punched him.
He went down and stayed there.
"Excellent
form," Corde critiqued. "Perfect arch, wonderful follow-through,
that was a ten point floor dive, if I do say so myself."
Aeryn sniffed.
"It went a little wobbly around the end."
"That's
because he was unconscious before he hit the floor," Corde
scolded. "You really need to pull your punches, just enough
so that he has a fighting chance. Well," she amended, "not
a fighting chance. Just a chance to retain consciousness long
enough to execute a decent dive."
"If you
say so," said Aeryn. "Hey, I think this fic is long
enough now."
Corde looked
at the information bar on the screen. "Yep, it's over three
pages. I guess that means this is
THE END
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