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The Obligatory Farscape/Star Trek Crossover(4)


Special Guest Star: John de Lancie as Q


This is the one I was trying to do earlier. I had all these great ideas last night, and now when I tried to write them, they look bad. Sigh, I guess everything looks better at three in the morning. I'm sorry for this one too



Yes, children, I have to have a prologue, once upon a time and all that, because if I don't then someone might poke an eye out with a keyboard or something and sue me. So once upon a time there was a boy named Crichton, and he flew a little shuttle (that sorta looked like a dead cow) called Farscape 1. Then one day he found himself far from home (no, I still don't know how, I haven't seen the premier yet) and in big trouble. But the amazing Aeryn Sun came to his rescue (then and about a billion times since then, is anyone surprised?), and saved his hide, because he's cute. However, in doing so, noble Aeryn put herself in danger, and she was trapped on a really big ship (which just happened to be alive) with a bunch of other people, and they were all lost in the Uncharted Territories (which was kind of a good thing, because Crichton had made an enemy). So there was D'Argo, and Zhaan, and Rygel, and Chia Pet, and Pilot, and Moya. And a bunch of DRDs.


Chapter 1


It was a normal day on Moya. Aeryn and Crichton were tinkering with their respective ships in the cargo bay, trying not to act like they were flirting with each other. Zhaan was naked. D'Argo was moody. Chia Pet was annoying. Rygel was eating. Just a typical day.


Then someone blinked into existence on the Terrace. A tallish man, with rumpled brown hair and a red and black suit. His name was a letter. The letter P! (dun dun dun)


No wait, I'm wrong, it was


The letter Q! (dun dun dun)


He smiled. Then things began to get interesting.


Zhaan and Crichton were listening to D'Argo jam on his neat purple instrument. Crichton kept thinking he had heard the tune before, but didn't say anything until D'Argo started singing, "Well I try and try to forget you, girl, but it's just so hard to do, and I can't take you doin' that thing you do" Zhaan screamed and ran.


Aeryn was trying to look up star charts in Seattle, er, Command (oh don't start that again) when she came across an odd message. "My love is like a red red rose" it began. Aeryn looked in shock at the address line of the message. To Moya from Pilot! Aeryn shook her head and deleted it quickly.


 Crichton was wandering the ship aimlessly (well actually he was looking for Aeryn, but he would never admit it) when he passed Rygel's quarters. The hynerian was hovering in his little chair in front of the mirror, saying, "Who's the prettiest Dominar around? It's me! It's me! BUWAHAHA!" Crichton's eyes widened and he walked quickly past.


Pilot's voice came over the comm. "Peacekeeper ship approaching. It's too close. We won't be able to starburst away. Sorry." He didn't sound sorry.


"Frell," grumbled Aeryn, "that's the fourth time this weekan."


Crais and his henchmen came sweeping down the corridor. Aeryn prepared herself to fight, glad that at least Crichton wasn't hanging around to get in trouble. But Crais surprised her. He went down on one knee in front of her, and looked up at her angelically as his henchmen turned on a tape player and began to sing. "He loves you yeah, yeah, yeah, he loves you yeah, yeah, yeah," Aeryn screamed and ran.


While she was screaming and running, she passed Zhaan, who was screaming and running the other way. They stopped and caught their breaths. "D'Argo singing" Zhaan panted.


"Crais singing" Aeryn panted. They looked at each other in horror and began running again.


Aeryn ran to the cargo bay, where she thought she'd be safe. Nope. Crichton was there. He began to hover. "Hey Aeryn. How ya doin'? Can I polish your pulse rifle for ya? Shine your boots? Wash your PK uniform? Press your civvies? Brush your hair? Get you a pair of Calvins? Huh? Huh? Can I?" Aeryn sighed, glad he wasn't trying to sing. Then she punched him out and started running again.


Right into Crais. "My dear," he said very seriously, "If the nightingales sang as sweet as you, they'd sing much sweeter than they do" Aeryn punched him out and ran.


She passed D'Argo chasing Zhaan, still singing. "Thank heaven for little girls for little girls get bigger every day thank heaven for little girls they grow up in the most delightful ways" He seemed to have a very strange accent Zhaan stopped in the middle of the corridor.


"I've had enough!" She yelled. Then she began to sing. "These boots are made for walkin', and that's just what they'll do! And one of these days these boots are gonna walk all over you!"


D'Argo pouted. "Stop, in the name of love! Before you break my heart, think I o-o-ver think it o-o-ver"

Zhaan shook her head. "The best things in life are free, but that don't mean a think to me, I want money. That's what I want." Aeryn shook her head and kept running.


Aeryn ran to the Terrace. She saw the man, who just happened to be standing there, and walked up to him and punched him. He went down for the count. She stood on his chest until he came to. "Hey," he wheezed when he regained consciousness, "You can't do that, I'm Q!"


"I don't care if you're A E I O U and sometimes Y, stop whatever it is you're doing RIGHT NOW. Gods! I'm so sick of all this bad singing! And what's up with the love letters?"


The man under her boots began to whine, "Aww, I was just having a little fun. Turning Moya into a badly directed Webber-esque rock opera I thought it would be funny."


Aeryn stared at him. "Then why didn't it affect me?"


The man blinked. "Because you're Aeryn," he said as if that explained everything (which it did).


"Oh yeah. I forget sometimes. Now cut it out."


The man glowered at her. "Fine." He waved his hand. Everything was back to normal.


"Good," Aeryn said, getting off his chest. "Now if I ever see you on Moya again, I'll kick your butt. Got it?"


"Yeah," the man muttered as he blinked out of existence.


With that settled, Aeryn walked back to Command to finish looking up those pesky star charts. On the way, she saw Crais wandering around singing "The Crais Song," but decided to ignore him. With luck, maybe he'd trip over Crichton.




Chapter 2


"Wow," said Aeryn, "even that Resnick rip-off was better than this dren."


"Thank you so very much," Corde replied sarcastically.


"Why can't you write another one like the first one? It wasn't too bad," said Aeryn.


"The style wasn't too bad," agreed Corde. "The language was atrocious. If my English teacher ever saw me use the phrase "in an odd fashion," she'd skin me alive."


"I thought that was the point," said Aeryn with a raised eyebrow.


"It was. But it was still atrocious."


"Better than this one."


"You have a point. Let's ask the Shippers if they can help. Shippers? Wanna give me a hand on this?" Corde asked the list in general.


"I can fix it," said Anthony (who was really Bongo pretending to be Anthony, shh, don't tell).


"Really? Please do," said Aeryn.




"You call that a fix?" asked Aeryn.


"No, I call it an end," said Anthony.


"That's the lousiest



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DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.