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Corde's First Semester At College In Eight Short Chapters, Featuring Actual Quotes from Actual Professors(22)

First thing I did when I got to school: hurt myself. Tore up my ankle and knee pretty badly. Spent most of the first semester whining about it. Ask my old roommate, if you can find her. I think she entered the Witness Protection Program to get away from me. I don't blame her.


Chapter 1


"My foot hurts," Corde whined.


"Pay attention!" Aeryn hissed. "This isn't GED class; you're in college now!"


"It's Latin," Corde explained. "I tested out of it. This is easy stuff."


"You're getting graded. Pay attention," Aeryn repeated as she began to walk away.


"Hey, where are you going?" Corde called after her.


"Labor vocat," Aeryn told her. "Crichton is doing something well-meaning but totally irrational and nonsensical in the maintenance bay. I have to go kick his ass."


"You're just trying to get away from me," Corde whined obnoxiously (is there any other way to whine?).


Aeryn looked pointedly at Corde. "Do you blame me?"


Corde looked at her foot. "Not really."


Aeryn left. Corde picked up her copy of The Epic of Gilgamesh, read three pages, and fell asleep.


Chapter 2


"Why are there pictures of me on your binders, Corde?" Aeryn asked.


Corde turned the binders face down. "No reason," she mumbled.


Aeryn turned them back over and examined the photo collages of herself. "I sort of understand the astronomy binder I live in space, after all but what's up with the Latin binder?"


Corde turned bright red and slunk farther down in her seat. "Xena and Gabrielle were busy," she muttered.


"No we're not," Xena said. Gabrielle smiled.


Corde didn't look up. "Uh hi guys."


"Hey Corde," Xena said. "Did you cut your hair?"


"No, I cut them all," Corde said, still not looking at the warrior.


Corde's Latin and archeology professor chose that moment to saunter into the room. Sauntering is better than wandering, isn't it? He looked at Xena and Gabrielle. "What is this, the Greek Mafia?" he wondered aloud before sauntering away.


Corde finally took a peek at Xe and Gabs. They were dressed in pinstriped gangster suits, complete with Fedoras and tommyguns. Corde looked away quickly. "I knew better than to look at you," she groaned.


Xena looked down at her outfit. "What?"


Corde read three verses from the Tao Te Ching and fell asleep.


Chapter 3


"My foot hurts," Corde whined.


Aeryn rolled her eyes. "I'm not even going to bother to tell you to pay attention."


"It's LATIN," Corde said. "Who the hell cares? I learned this stuff three years ago."


"Well la dee dah," Aeryn said.


Corde put her foot up on a chair and looked at it. "Ow," she said.


Aeryn threw a book at her. "We GET it, your ANKLE hurts, OKAY! Sheesh, get over it already!"


Corde looked at the book Aeryn had thrown. "Ooh. The Life and Times of Frederick the Pansyass," she read. "He must have been French."


Aeryn looked away. "That's a Sebacean book, actually" she muttered.


Corde snerked. She opened the book, read three pages, and fell asleep.


Chapter 4


"Oh sailor!" Aeryn yelled.


Everyone stared at her. Crichton was the only one with the cojones to smirk. Aeryn punched him out. Corde tried to walk up some stairs, fell over, hurt her ankle, screamed, and fell asleep.


Chapter 5


"And so the rest of the world is just lucky that I don't rape and pillage on the weekends," Dr. Connolley said. "Now, on the reasonable assumption that God isn't schitzophrenic"


Chapter 6


"Oh sailor!" Aeryn called.


The rest of the Latin class responded with, "Vocative!" Everyone else stared at her. Crichton was the only one with the cojones to smirk. Aeryn punched him out. Corde tried to walk up some stairs, fell, hurt her ankle, screamed and promptly fell asleep.


Chapter 7


"What's a two word, seven letter phrase for, 'go away'?" Corde asked, glaring at the crossword.


"Piss off," Aeryn said.


"Hey, that fits!" Corde exclaimed gleefully. She wrote it in the boxes, filled in the answers for 3 Down and 17 Across and promptly fell asleep.


Chapter 8


"I could pay attention," Corde said, forstalling Aeryn's command, "but why?"


Chapter 7


Corde yawned. "I'm back! And guess what. I'm still not paying attention!"


Aeryn wasn't listening. "Porta, portae shut up, Corde, I'm trying to learn."


Corde did a little dance, then climbed into the top bunk and fell out.


Chapter 8


Corde poked herself in the eye in a vain attempt to stay awake. Aeryn prodded the sleepy student with the butt of her pulse rifle. "Wake up, stupid," she hissed.


"I'm trying," Corde hissed back, "but my eyes keep closing. This class is soooo boring."


"At least he didn't turn the light off this time," Chiana yawned, staring at the increasingly mind-numbing slides that Dr. Braun was excitedly showing the class. One student had very carefully slit her wrists with a Bic pen. Another had strangled himself on his bookbag straps. The rest had either died of boredom, killed themselves, or fallen into deep comas.


"What?" Chi asked, waking up slightly. "How can you fall into a punctuation mark?"


Aeryn smacked her upside the head. "Coma, not comma, you dumb tralk."


"Hey," Chi screamed, rubbing her head. "What'd you do that for?"


Aeryn shrugged. "I had to hit someone, and for once Corde isn't being stupid."


Chi nodded understandingly. Corde smirked at her, then looked upset. "Whaddya mean 'for once'?"




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