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Corde's First Semester At College
In Eight Short Chapters, Featuring Actual Quotes from Actual
Professors(22)
First thing I did when I
got to school: hurt myself. Tore up my ankle and knee pretty
badly. Spent most of the first semester whining about it. Ask
my old roommate, if you can find her. I think she entered the
Witness Protection Program to get away from me. I don't blame
her.
Chapter 1
"My foot hurts,"
Corde whined.
"Pay attention!"
Aeryn hissed. "This isn't GED class; you're in college now!"
"It's Latin," Corde
explained. "I tested out of it. This is easy stuff."
"You're getting graded.
Pay attention," Aeryn repeated as she began to walk away.
"Hey, where are you going?"
Corde called after her.
"Labor vocat," Aeryn
told her. "Crichton is doing something well-meaning but
totally irrational and nonsensical in the maintenance bay. I
have to go kick his ass."
"You're just trying to
get away from me," Corde whined obnoxiously (is there any
other way to whine?).
Aeryn looked pointedly at Corde.
"Do you blame me?"
Corde looked at her foot. "Not
really."
Aeryn left. Corde picked up
her copy of The Epic of Gilgamesh, read three pages, and fell
asleep.
Chapter 2
"Why are there pictures
of me on your binders, Corde?" Aeryn asked.
Corde turned the binders face
down. "No reason," she mumbled.
Aeryn turned them back over
and examined the photo collages of herself. "I sort of understand
the astronomy binder I live in space, after all but what's up
with the Latin binder?"
Corde turned bright red and
slunk farther down in her seat. "Xena and Gabrielle were
busy," she muttered.
"No we're not," Xena
said. Gabrielle smiled.
Corde didn't look up. "Uh
hi guys."
"Hey Corde," Xena
said. "Did you cut your hair?"
"No, I cut them all,"
Corde said, still not looking at the warrior.
Corde's Latin and archeology
professor chose that moment to saunter into the room. Sauntering
is better than wandering, isn't it? He looked at Xena and Gabrielle.
"What is this, the Greek Mafia?" he wondered aloud
before sauntering away.
Corde finally took a peek at
Xe and Gabs. They were dressed in pinstriped gangster suits,
complete with Fedoras and tommyguns. Corde looked away quickly.
"I knew better than to look at you," she groaned.
Xena looked down at her outfit.
"What?"
Corde read three verses from
the Tao Te Ching and fell asleep.
Chapter 3
"My foot hurts,"
Corde whined.
Aeryn rolled her eyes. "I'm
not even going to bother to tell you to pay attention."
"It's LATIN," Corde
said. "Who the hell cares? I learned this stuff three years
ago."
"Well la dee dah,"
Aeryn said.
Corde put her foot up on a
chair and looked at it. "Ow," she said.
Aeryn threw a book at her.
"We GET it, your ANKLE hurts, OKAY! Sheesh, get over it
already!"
Corde looked at the book Aeryn
had thrown. "Ooh. The Life and Times of Frederick the Pansyass,"
she read. "He must have been French."
Aeryn looked away. "That's
a Sebacean book, actually" she muttered.
Corde snerked. She opened the
book, read three pages, and fell asleep.
Chapter 4
"Oh sailor!" Aeryn
yelled.
Everyone stared at her. Crichton
was the only one with the cojones to smirk. Aeryn punched him
out. Corde tried to walk up some stairs, fell over, hurt her
ankle, screamed, and fell asleep.
Chapter 5
"And so the rest of the
world is just lucky that I don't rape and pillage on the weekends,"
Dr. Connolley said. "Now, on the reasonable assumption that
God isn't schitzophrenic"
Chapter 6
"Oh sailor!" Aeryn
called.
The rest of the Latin class
responded with, "Vocative!" Everyone else stared at
her. Crichton was the only one with the cojones to smirk. Aeryn
punched him out. Corde tried to walk up some stairs, fell, hurt
her ankle, screamed and promptly fell asleep.
Chapter 7
"What's a two word, seven
letter phrase for, 'go away'?" Corde asked, glaring at the
crossword.
"Piss off," Aeryn
said.
"Hey, that fits!"
Corde exclaimed gleefully. She wrote it in the boxes, filled
in the answers for 3 Down and 17 Across and promptly fell asleep.
Chapter 8
"I could pay attention,"
Corde said, forstalling Aeryn's command, "but why?"
Chapter 7
Corde yawned. "I'm back!
And guess what. I'm still not paying attention!"
Aeryn wasn't listening. "Porta,
portae shut up, Corde, I'm trying to learn."
Corde did a little dance, then
climbed into the top bunk and fell out.
Chapter 8
Corde poked herself in the
eye in a vain attempt to stay awake. Aeryn prodded the sleepy
student with the butt of her pulse rifle. "Wake up, stupid,"
she hissed.
"I'm trying," Corde
hissed back, "but my eyes keep closing. This class is soooo
boring."
"At least he didn't turn
the light off this time," Chiana yawned, staring at the
increasingly mind-numbing slides that Dr. Braun was excitedly
showing the class. One student had very carefully slit her wrists
with a Bic pen. Another had strangled himself on his bookbag
straps. The rest had either died of boredom, killed themselves,
or fallen into deep comas.
"What?" Chi asked,
waking up slightly. "How can you fall into a punctuation
mark?"
Aeryn smacked her upside the
head. "Coma, not comma, you dumb tralk."
"Hey," Chi screamed,
rubbing her head. "What'd you do that for?"
Aeryn shrugged. "I had
to hit someone, and for once Corde isn't being stupid."
Chi nodded understandingly.
Corde smirked at her, then looked upset. "Whaddya mean 'for
once'?"
THE END
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