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Portions of This Story Blatantly
Snurched I Mean Procured From Sojushisan And Her Story, "The
Seventh Forbidden Cargo." Sorry, Soj, But You Get What You
Pay For, And I'm Working For Free(19)
Soj wanted Pilot!Angst,
Passion's Fool wanted a flashlight, three marbles, a lizard and
a hole in a pocket, Bug and Smurf wanted more Cordefic, Bongo
wanted me to stop beating him up for the stupid sonnet-that-wasn't,
and I just wanted something to do. Three cheers to Shaye for
winning the "First To Respond Gets A Walk-on In A Cordefic"
contest, to Dani for being runner-up, and to Rayne for just generally
bugging me the whole time. Thanks, guys. With friends like you,
who needs well, friends?
Chapter 1
"Oh, woe is me!"
Pilot groaned, leaning over his console dramatically.
Aeryn staggered in. ("'Staggered'?"
asked Chi. "Better than 'wandered' again, innit?" Corde
said. "Guess so," agreed Chi. "G'head, let her
stagger.") "Pilot, what are you doing?" Aeryn
asked.
Pilot ignored her. "Woe,
woe is meeee!" he moaned, leaning farther over and assuming
a pathetic pose.
Crichton chose that moment
to saunter in, shirtless. Aeryn did a double take. "Go put
some clothes on!" she snapped at him.
Taken aback by the abrupt comment,
Crichton sauntered away again, presumably to find a shirt. There
was a collective groan from off screen. "Thanks a lot, Aeryn!"
one voice shouted.
"Put a sock in it, Shaye!"
she shouted back.
Pilot took the opportunity
to pull out a large handkerchief (clawkerchief?) and blow his
um he doesn't really have a nose uh okay, let's start this paragraph
over.
Pilot took the opportunity
to pull out a large kleenex oh wait, that's a name brand, it
should be "tissue," shouldn't it? And they don't really
come in different sizes you don't get a box of "large"
tissues as opposed to a box of "small" tissues that
would be stupid. Why would anyone buy "small" sized
tissues? Okay, this just isn't working.
Chapter 2
Rayne wandered in. JUST KIDDING,
CHI!
Chapter 3
Rayne was standing in Pilot's
den, watching amusedly as he moaned and groaned angstily. Is
that even a word? Spellchecker doesn't like it. This just isn't
working, is it?
Chapter 4
"Nice little existential
crisis you got there, Corde," said Sojushisan.
"Thanks!" said Corde.
Tinka chose that moment to
drive by in her red 2000 Mercury Cougar with the windows rolled
down and Melissa Etheridge blaring from the speakers. Tinka sang
along. "Mama I'm strange" she belted out.
"WE KNOW!" Corde
shouted after her. Aileen grinned.
Chapter 5
Back to the Pilot-angst! Really!
"Oh, woe is me!"
Pilot groaned, leaning over his console dramatically.
Aeryn walked in. "Pilot,
what are you doing?" Aeryn asked.
Pilot ignored her. "Woe,
woe is meeee!" he moaned, leaning farther over and assuming
a pathetic pose. "I am filled with such angst," he
added, allowing two very large tears to fall down his cheeks
and splash on his console.
Aeryn leaned over and took
his claw. "This is me, Pilot. Aeryn. We are closer than
any two on this ship. I still carry remnants of your DNA inside
of me."
Pilot shook her off and began
singing. "I DUNNO WHYY THERE'S NO LEVIATHAN IN THE SKY!"
he wailed. "STORMYYYY WEATHERRRR!!!"
Corde shuddered. "Oh no"
Chapter 6
D'Argo stuck his hand in his
pocket. "Oh no!" he exclaimed. "There's a hole
in my pocket!" He pulled out three marbles and a flashlight.
"I had a lizard in there too"
Chapter 7
HA!
Chapter 8
"Corde's been reading
Resnick again," Zhaan muttered, sharpening her wit. (Don't
smirk. You can do a lot of damage with a sharp wit. It's almost
as good as a spork.)
"Or her own early
work," Darth Maul chimed in. Zhaan did a double take.
"Where did you come from?"
she demanded.
He grinned, showing blackened
teeth. Rygel gagged. "Corde bought a new watch with me on
it," he told her.
"See?" Corde said
proudly, trying to hold her wrist up to show it off. The watch
was made of die-cast metal, and it was so heavy she could barely
lift her arm.
Corde's brother TJ looked at
the Maul-shaped chunk of metal on her wrist and laughed. "That's
the ugliest, most useless piece of crap I've ever seen!"
he sneered. Corde looked pointedly at TJ's car, which was sitting
on cement blocks in the driveway. TJ gave her a hurt look and
slunk away, apparently to get his car a wheel or two. Corde snickered
and admired her watch.
Chapter 9
"Pilot!" Corde shouts,
trying in vain to get his attention. Pilot is still singing his
song, wailing louder on every chorus. Corde hadn't known that
the words "stormy weather" could be stretched out over
so many syllables. "PILOT!" she finally screams, grabbing
all four of his claws and stuffing them into his own mouth. "HUSH
UP!" she commands.
Ignoring the glares of the
rest of FaDoP, Corde motions Dani over to help her, and tells
her to bring the duct tape. Once Corde and Dani have Pilot securely
taped up, but before StarPaw or Soj can attack them for injuring
him, Corde explains her seemingly nefarious actions. "I
told him I wanted angst," she said, "but I think he
took it a little too far."
The assembled FaDoPi consider
that, and agree. Soj even considers digging out her floss, but
thinks better of it, considering the quasi-damage already being
done to Pilot.
Corde and Dani proudly survey
their taped Pilot. They give each other triumphant high-fives,
then turn and run out of Pilot's den as fast as they can.
"Hey" says Moya's
Pilot, as though just realizing something. "Who's going
to take the tape OFF of him?"
The assembled FaDoP exchange
a few dozen glances, then turn and follow Corde and Dani.
Chapter 10
"WHAT THE FRELL WAS THAT?!?"
Aeryn screamed. "By Monjo, Corde, you'd better have a DARN
good reason for suddenly switching to present tense in the middle
of the story! Have I taught you NOTHING?!?"
Corde held a plate of snickerdoodles
at arm's length in an attempt to pacify the enraged ex-Peacekeeper.
"Yes, I have a good reason!" she said. "FaDoP
scandals are written in present tense! Chapter 10 was written
in the form of a scandal! It's okay!"
"Oh, okay then,"
said Aeryn, taking a cookie. "Boy, poor Oto is going to
get quite a surprise when she comes back from China."
Corde snickered.
THE END
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