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Caffiene is Bad. Very, Very
Bad. 'Nuff Said(11)
I know I said I wasn't
gonna write tonight (my head really is killing me, I'm so glad
I don't have migraines very often), but I had to. I kept having
thoughts, and they were too good not to write about, but I knew
they wouldn't be there tomorrow. Plus Anthony gave me a lot of
really good ideas. So I wrote. Man, my head really hurts. Am
I repeating myself? Oh well, it's 3:30, and this is kinda what
it must be like to be drunk. But I didn't have any alcohol. Is
it possible to become inebriated by association? And can one
be inebriated if one can use that word? And can one have a second
personality if one is worried that they do? Or are you only crazy
if you think you're sane? (This is the point where Aeryn tells
me to shut up.)
Chapter 1
It was one o'clock in the morning.
Corde thought that she was being very sneaky.
"And where have you been?
Aeryn asked loudly.
Corde winced. "Ow. Not
so loud, please. My head hurts."
Aeryn glared. "So where
were you?"
"I worked until nine,
and then I went to Sarah's party. I didn't think I'd be out so
late."
Aeryn sniffed. Her eyes narrowed.
"And have you been drinking?"
Corde laughed, and then winced
as her headache got worse. "Ow. No, I can't hold alcohol,
you know that." True statement. Corde had once had a capful
of root beer schnapps mixed with ginger ale and had fallen asleep
in minutes.
Aeryn raised an eyebrow. "So
why do you look drunk?"
Corde just looked at her. "This,
my dear, is not drunk. It is not hung over. It is not high. It
is merely me when I'm with my friends."
Aeryn stared in wonder. "You
have friends?"
"Har de har har. Yes,
I have friends. They just don't like me very much."
Aeryn snorted. "With friends
like that, who needs enemies?"
"Quite," Corde replied,
as she stared at Aeryn pointedly.
Aeryn ignored the stare. "So
if you're not drunk or high, what's wrong with you?"
Corde sighed. "Did you
know that Dr. Pepper has caffeine in it?"
Aeryn blinked. "Yes, of
course."
Corde shouted, "WHY am
I the ONLY one who didn't KNOW that?"
"You drank some? Gee,
Corde, that was smart, considering you're allergic to it. Why
didn't you just smoke a cigarette while you were at it?"
Aeryn said sarcastically.
Corde groaned. "I can't
believe this. Some people are allergic to peanut butter or strawberries.
I'm allergic to vices! Can't smoke, can't drink, can't even have
CAFFEINE for Ava's sake what happens if I'm allergic to sex as
well?"
Crichton giggled.
"Hey," Aeryn snapped.
"Let's keep it PG13."
"Right," Corde sighed.
"At least I'm not allergic to tobacco, alcohol, caffeine
AND strawberries and peanut butter. That would just be very unfun."
" 'Unfun'? This is a word?
'Unfun'? Is that like that girl said on the radio, 'I couldn't
be more happier'? Sheesh. English isn't even my first language
and I can use it better than you people," complained Aeryn.
"Oh, I know," said
Corde. "I can't stand bad grammar. Like when people write
'your' instead of 'you're.' That makes me so mad, I have gotten
used to writing 'you're,' so now sometimes I write 'you're' when
I really mean 'your.'"
"Corde?"
"Yes Aeryn?"
"Shut up. You're babbling."
"Thank you."
Chapter 2
"Delia had had a shot
of gin at ten, so at midnight when she was supposed to be home,
Jim drove her home, and Amy and I followed in Amy's car, then
Amy drove me home and took herself and Jim back to the party,"
Corde explained. "That's why I didn't get home until 1."
"Did Sarah like her present,
at least?"
"Oh yeah. She wore it
the rest of the night. I gave her the bracelet I got in New York,
and a box of chocolate. She didn't wear that. And then we all
danced to Led Zeppelin. Well, Delia danced to Led Zeppelin. The
rest of us laughed. She was just a little spiffed."
"A shot of gin? Yeah,
that's a little spiffed."
"Not for most of them.
They all drink like fish. It's kind of sad, really. I feel so
left out."
"No you don't."
"No, you're right, I don't.
I don't like the taste of alcohol anyway. And I don't like what
it does to me."
Aeryn snickered. "Yeah,
Sarah was telling me about the first time you drank. Half a glass
of Grasshopper drowned in Pepsi. She said you were falling down
the stairs."
"I would have fallen down
the stairs anyway," Corde protested. "They're really
narrow. And besides, I don't remember that part."
"That's because you blacked
out. That's not a good sign."
"I KNOW! That's why I
didn't drink tonight."
" And had caffeine instead
and have a headache now. Yeah, good choice," said Aeryn.
"Shut up," Corde
mumbled. "Gods! How long does it take for Advil to kick
in?"
"Quite a while, considering
you haven't taken any," Aeryn said dryly.
"Oh," said Corde.
"That explains a lot," and she went off in search of
Advil.
Chapter 3
The Enforcer sauntered in,
acting like the brat that she is. Corde whipped out her AK-47
and shot her seventy-three times in the head.
Chapter 4
"What the frell was THAT?"
asked Aeryn.
Corde spat and muttered with
a southern accent, "She needed killin'."
"I believe that's a valid
defense in parts of Kentucky, but since we aren't in Kentucky,
you mind telling me what that was?"
Corde sighed. "She's on
the Amazon list I'm on. She was being a brat. Actually she was
being something else, but I'd like to keep this PG13, so I'll
just say brat. I'm not in the mood to deal with her, so Anthony
suggested I put her in a fic and kill her. It made me feel better."
"That's all well and good,"
Aeryn said. "But who's gonna clean up the blood? And don't
even look at me, Miss Shoot-First-and-Ask-Questions-Later. I'll
get you a mop."
Corde looked in disgust at
the bloody mass on the floor. Then she cheered up. "It was
worth it," she said. "I've been wanting to do that
for months." Aeryn came back with the mop and Corde set
to work cleaning up the late Enforcer.
Chapter 5
"At least your chapters
are getting better," remarked Aeryn. "They have definite
themes and endpoints."
"Aww, you mean I'm starting
to write better? Shoot, I'm gonna have to work on that,"
said Corde.
"Now if you would just
work on the subject matter" Aeryn began.
Corde shot her a warning glare.
"Don't go there," she advised. "You don't wanna
go anywhere near there. Like the list says, this is me delving
into the far reaches of my psyche. Thanks for that phrase, by
the way, Natalie, was it? Or Cristin or Rachel I forget. Sorry.
But thanks, whoever it was."
Aeryn gave her a 'Corde-you-psycho'
look. "Whatever you say."
Corde said, "And now,
before we ride into the sunset a la Rachel, I'd like to leave
you with a quote, a la Rayne. 'Always remember to pillage BEFORE
you burn.' That's a good one. I bet Xena followed that advice.
That goes along with Cristin's Middle Ages quote, sorta. So now
everyone is having quotes, and I still don't have one. Maybe
I should"
"Corde," Aeryn interrupted.
"Yes, Aeryn?"
"Shut up."
THE END
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