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Crichton in Wonderland(10)
Okay people, I have succeeded in scaring myself. I think that
I have actually developed another personality and called her
Aeryn. She yells at me a lot. Anyway, this was supposed to be
the Wonderland fic, but I didn't bother to do any research, so
it kinda sucks. I also set a new record for number of times I
say the word, "sucks." Because this fic sucks.
Crichton In
Wonderland, But Not For Long, Because The Author Didn't Bother
To Do Any Research At All, And In Fact Has Not Read "Alice
In Wonderland" Or Seen The Movie In Over A Year. Kinda Makes
You All Wish You Had Written It When You Had The Chance, Huh?
And I Think This Is The Longest Title Now, Even Longer Than That
One Fiona Apple Title, Which Is Sixty-Seven Words Long, Or Something
Like That. This Title Is Eighty-Four Words Long.
[Correction:
Fiona's title is ninty-some words. I have failed in my self-appointed
quest to have a longer title than Fiona Apple. Dammit.]
Prologue
Once upon a
time there was a scientist named Alice Crichton. He was very
embarrassed by his first name, so he changed it to John. One
day he was napping under an apple tree, hoping to rediscover
gravity, when he followed a little gray/green muppet into a rabbit
hole. And then the fun began
Chapter 1
The muppet
was floating in a chair, waving a scepter and asserting, "I
am Rygel XVI, dominar of six hundred billion people. I don't
need to talk to you!" over and over. Crichton stared at
him in scientific bafflement, and then followed him into the
rabbit hole. It may be noted that regular rabbit holes are quite
a bit too small for humans, but just go with it.
Upon entering
the rabbit hole, Crichton was surprised to find a small room
with a regular-looking end table. On it were two foodcubes; one
was labeled "EAT ME" and the other labeled "NO,
EAT ME FIRST." Crichton ignored them both and walked through
the door. Yes, I know I didn't mention the door before, I forgot,
okay?
Crichton wandered
past a mock-turtle and a bunch of shrimps, because I haven't
read "Alice in Wonderland" in a long time, and I wouldn't
know how to properly Farscapeize that scene. He went straight
to the Tea Party.
At this point,
Corde realized she should have read "Alice in Wonderland"
before she started to write this spoof, but she was too lazy
to go find her copy and skim it. Also, she didn't have a topic
for her fic-of-the-day, and decided she could "use rhetoric
to obscure the lack of topic," as Jake would say. That was
for the Animorph fans out there. Corde just read #10 and was
quite amused by Marco as the narrator.
So Crichton
stumbled onto a tea party in the middle of the woods and sat
down. There was a very blue woman with a large hat on, eating
tea and drinking crumpets. There was also a strange-looking man
with tentacles and big brown furry bunny ears. Hey, we have to
have some way of telling who they are, don't we? The Mad Hatter
and the March Hare. Don't you people know your Wonderland? Sheesh.
Anyway, there was also a Pilot in a teapot, who recited a little
poem.
Twinkle twinkle
little ship,
When we're
on you, it's a trip.
Out in space
it is so dark,
Like the inside
of a shark.
Twinkle twinkle
little ship,
When we ride
you it's a trip.
Seeing that
no one was going to stop him, he went on to the second verse.
Twinkle, twinkle
Moya dear,
With luxan
blood and human fear.
A few kisses,
lots of luck
Maybe later,
just one f-
Corde cut in.
"Let's keep it PG13, shall we?"
So the Mad
Hatter and the Hare (Zhaan and D'Argo, remember?) were having
a grand old time, and then Crichton decided he had had enough
of the party and left. He was wandering in the woods when he
heard a disembodied voice singing something really awful. (Didn't
the cat sing or something? I forget.) Then he saw a really bad
hairdo, floating in midair. Soon the rest of Chia's body materialized.
See? She's being the Cheshire Cat. Oh pipe down, you didn't write
it so I get my way.
He kept walking
and soon ran across two familiar figures. It looked just like
the Mad Hatter and the March Hare, but actually it was Tweedledum
and Tweedlereallydum. See, D'Argo and Zhaan have to double up
here, because there aren't enough people. And I'm not even doing
all of them.
Then he walked
some more, and came upon a croquet field. Crais was there, dressed
in a pretty red dress and singing "The Crais Song."
His henchmen were scattered around the field, making sure his
croquet ball went through at least one hoop each time. He looked
up when Crichton walked onto the field, and shouted, "Off
with his head! By the way, who's the prettiest Red Queen around?"
His henchmen all cried, "It's you! It's you!" Crichton
took the hint and ran away.
He ran for
a very long time, until he ran into a very large mushroom. The
muppet was sitting on it, smoking and waving his scepter. "Whooooooo.
Arrrrrrrrre. Youuuuuuuuu?" he asked. Then went on, "Oh,
don't bother telling me. I don't really care. Go away."
Crichton went.
He woke up
some time later, still under the apple tree, but with a large
bruise on his head and an apple on the ground next to him. "Wow,"
he said. "I must have gotten bonked on the head by an apple,
passed out and had a strange dream."
THE END
Chapter 2
"I am
continually impressed, Corde," said Aeryn. "Every time
I think you can't possibly write anything stupider, you write
more."
"Gee,
thanks," said Corde grumpily. "Glad you liked it."
"It sucked."
"Um. Anthony
told me to do it."
"Oh he
DID, did he?" Aeryn glared warningly at Anthony.
Who wasn't
there. "You forgot what happened the last time I used him,"
said Corde. "He put me in one of his fics, and it wasn't
pretty."
"Oh yeah,"
said Aeryn. "Never mind then." They sat in silence.
"So"
said Corde, desperately looking for some sort of topic. "If
you were a vegetable, what kind of vegetable would you be?"
"Eggplant,"
Aeryn replied absently. Then she did a doubletake. "What
did I just say?"
Corde giggled.
Aeryn glared. Corde decided to change the topic. She started
singing to herself. "Twinkle, twinkle, little ship"
Aeryn said
in a voice full of pure venom, "If you even think about
singing the second verse, I'll rip your throat out and hogtie
you with it."
"Would
it even be long enough?" Corde asked just for the macabre
value of the question.
Aeryn grinned
ferally. "I'd MAKE it long enough."
Corde shrugged
and sang Christmas carols to herself.
"Why are
you in such a bad mood, Aeryn?" Corde asked idly after Aeryn
had been stonily ignoring her for several minutes.
"You're
the author, you tell me," Aeryn snapped.
"Is it
because I didn't put you in the Wonderland fic?"
"Gods
no! I would have had to shoot myself if you had."
"Is it
because this fic sucks?"
"That's
part of it"
"Is it
because you are part of my personality, and in talking to you
I am actually talking to myself?"
"That
sounds about right."
Corde considered
this. "So what am I mad at myself about?"
"Is it
because this fic sucks?"
"Oh, yeah,
that's probably it. Hey, thanks for finding my problem for me,
Aeryn!"
"No problem,"
said Aeryn. "That's what fictional characters are for. That
and moral discussions."
"Right,"
said Corde. They looked at each other and laughed, then walked
into the sunset.
THE END
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