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Crichton in Wonderland(10)
Okay people, I have succeeded in scaring myself. I think that I have actually developed another personality and called her Aeryn. She yells at me a lot. Anyway, this was supposed to be the Wonderland fic, but I didn't bother to do any research, so it kinda sucks. I also set a new record for number of times I say the word, "sucks." Because this fic sucks.


Crichton In Wonderland, But Not For Long, Because The Author Didn't Bother To Do Any Research At All, And In Fact Has Not Read "Alice In Wonderland" Or Seen The Movie In Over A Year. Kinda Makes You All Wish You Had Written It When You Had The Chance, Huh? And I Think This Is The Longest Title Now, Even Longer Than That One Fiona Apple Title, Which Is Sixty-Seven Words Long, Or Something Like That. This Title Is Eighty-Four Words Long.


[Correction: Fiona's title is ninty-some words. I have failed in my self-appointed quest to have a longer title than Fiona Apple. Dammit.]



Once upon a time there was a scientist named Alice Crichton. He was very embarrassed by his first name, so he changed it to John. One day he was napping under an apple tree, hoping to rediscover gravity, when he followed a little gray/green muppet into a rabbit hole. And then the fun began


Chapter 1


The muppet was floating in a chair, waving a scepter and asserting, "I am Rygel XVI, dominar of six hundred billion people. I don't need to talk to you!" over and over. Crichton stared at him in scientific bafflement, and then followed him into the rabbit hole. It may be noted that regular rabbit holes are quite a bit too small for humans, but just go with it.


Upon entering the rabbit hole, Crichton was surprised to find a small room with a regular-looking end table. On it were two foodcubes; one was labeled "EAT ME" and the other labeled "NO, EAT ME FIRST." Crichton ignored them both and walked through the door. Yes, I know I didn't mention the door before, I forgot, okay?


Crichton wandered past a mock-turtle and a bunch of shrimps, because I haven't read "Alice in Wonderland" in a long time, and I wouldn't know how to properly Farscapeize that scene. He went straight to the Tea Party.


At this point, Corde realized she should have read "Alice in Wonderland" before she started to write this spoof, but she was too lazy to go find her copy and skim it. Also, she didn't have a topic for her fic-of-the-day, and decided she could "use rhetoric to obscure the lack of topic," as Jake would say. That was for the Animorph fans out there. Corde just read #10 and was quite amused by Marco as the narrator.


So Crichton stumbled onto a tea party in the middle of the woods and sat down. There was a very blue woman with a large hat on, eating tea and drinking crumpets. There was also a strange-looking man with tentacles and big brown furry bunny ears. Hey, we have to have some way of telling who they are, don't we? The Mad Hatter and the March Hare. Don't you people know your Wonderland? Sheesh. Anyway, there was also a Pilot in a teapot, who recited a little poem.


Twinkle twinkle little ship,

When we're on you, it's a trip.

Out in space it is so dark,

Like the inside of a shark.

Twinkle twinkle little ship,

When we ride you it's a trip.


Seeing that no one was going to stop him, he went on to the second verse.


Twinkle, twinkle Moya dear,

With luxan blood and human fear.

A few kisses, lots of luck

Maybe later, just one f-


Corde cut in. "Let's keep it PG13, shall we?"


So the Mad Hatter and the Hare (Zhaan and D'Argo, remember?) were having a grand old time, and then Crichton decided he had had enough of the party and left. He was wandering in the woods when he heard a disembodied voice singing something really awful. (Didn't the cat sing or something? I forget.) Then he saw a really bad hairdo, floating in midair. Soon the rest of Chia's body materialized. See? She's being the Cheshire Cat. Oh pipe down, you didn't write it so I get my way.


He kept walking and soon ran across two familiar figures. It looked just like the Mad Hatter and the March Hare, but actually it was Tweedledum and Tweedlereallydum. See, D'Argo and Zhaan have to double up here, because there aren't enough people. And I'm not even doing all of them.


Then he walked some more, and came upon a croquet field. Crais was there, dressed in a pretty red dress and singing "The Crais Song." His henchmen were scattered around the field, making sure his croquet ball went through at least one hoop each time. He looked up when Crichton walked onto the field, and shouted, "Off with his head! By the way, who's the prettiest Red Queen around?" His henchmen all cried, "It's you! It's you!" Crichton took the hint and ran away.


He ran for a very long time, until he ran into a very large mushroom. The muppet was sitting on it, smoking and waving his scepter. "Whooooooo. Arrrrrrrrre. Youuuuuuuuu?" he asked. Then went on, "Oh, don't bother telling me. I don't really care. Go away." Crichton went.


He woke up some time later, still under the apple tree, but with a large bruise on his head and an apple on the ground next to him. "Wow," he said. "I must have gotten bonked on the head by an apple, passed out and had a strange dream."




Chapter 2


"I am continually impressed, Corde," said Aeryn. "Every time I think you can't possibly write anything stupider, you write more."


"Gee, thanks," said Corde grumpily. "Glad you liked it."


"It sucked."


"Um. Anthony told me to do it."


"Oh he DID, did he?" Aeryn glared warningly at Anthony.


Who wasn't there. "You forgot what happened the last time I used him," said Corde. "He put me in one of his fics, and it wasn't pretty."


"Oh yeah," said Aeryn. "Never mind then." They sat in silence.


"So" said Corde, desperately looking for some sort of topic. "If you were a vegetable, what kind of vegetable would you be?"


"Eggplant," Aeryn replied absently. Then she did a doubletake. "What did I just say?"


Corde giggled. Aeryn glared. Corde decided to change the topic. She started singing to herself. "Twinkle, twinkle, little ship"


Aeryn said in a voice full of pure venom, "If you even think about singing the second verse, I'll rip your throat out and hogtie you with it."


"Would it even be long enough?" Corde asked just for the macabre value of the question.


Aeryn grinned ferally. "I'd MAKE it long enough."


Corde shrugged and sang Christmas carols to herself.


"Why are you in such a bad mood, Aeryn?" Corde asked idly after Aeryn had been stonily ignoring her for several minutes.


"You're the author, you tell me," Aeryn snapped.


"Is it because I didn't put you in the Wonderland fic?"


"Gods no! I would have had to shoot myself if you had."


"Is it because this fic sucks?"


"That's part of it"


"Is it because you are part of my personality, and in talking to you I am actually talking to myself?"


"That sounds about right."


Corde considered this. "So what am I mad at myself about?"


"Is it because this fic sucks?"


"Oh, yeah, that's probably it. Hey, thanks for finding my problem for me, Aeryn!"


"No problem," said Aeryn. "That's what fictional characters are for. That and moral discussions."


"Right," said Corde. They looked at each other and laughed, then walked into the sunset.




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DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.