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© Copyright Dylan Pemberton 2002.





And thinly veiled excuse to indulge my passion for Rygel.  Hope it works and hope it raises a smile.  And if you don't like it - blame Dyl!  It's all his fault.  He made me do it
* No infringement of any copyright is intended and I guarantee no money will be made from this.
* Farscape belongs to that nice Mr Henson and his Sci-fi chums.  I love your show.  Think of this as my homage.
* I unreservedly apologise to Mr Michaels (if there is such an interviewer) and to the well known chap with a spookily similar name if this in any way causes distress, offence or damage to reputation (but you did interview Miss Piggy!)
* Please don't sue. I have no money!


Okay a quick note of explanation before we beginthis is written with the following assumptions: Rygel is both deposed Dominar of Hyneria on his way home AND an actor.  If you like FS is a docusoap where cameras follow the exploits of the crew on their journey.  Hope it worksand I hope it makes you smile.
PS And I've seen this from Mr Kemper in a interview which would seem to confirm my suspicions
"Just so you know, and you can quote me, all we do is get the little radio signals and we chronicle what happens.  So we don't have anything to do with what actually happens.  We just report it."


The interviewer is one Parker Michaels (note from transcriber: who he?)
PM: Parker Michaels
DR: Dominar Rygel XVI
Blank screen. Fade up. Opening credits appear
An Evening With Parker Michaels.
DR:     Hang on just a microt! Shouldn't that be an evening with me, His Supreme Excellency Dominar Rygel XVI, sovereign to six billion Hynerians, comrade and advisor to the adventurer John Crichton, and confidant and rumoured significant other to the delectable Chiana.
Another, slightly harassed voice replies: Er, yes, sorry Rygel, we'll fix that
DR:     That's Dominar Rygel to you!
Same unknown voice is heard muttering in the distance: I'm gonna kill that little green slug.
DR:     I heard that!  You're sacked pal.  And where are my marjoules?  I specifically asked for them to be put in my dressing room in case I felt like a snack.  And while we're on the subject of dressing rooms I want whoever's responsible for putting me in that drannit hole strung up and slowly tortured.  There's not room to swing a (the tape becomes distorted and indecipherable here)
PM:     My guest this evening is Dominar Rygel VXI of the Hynerian Empire, currently taking a break from the Uncharted Territories and his starring role in the popular TV series Farscape.  Welcome Dominar. 
DR:     That's okay Parker, you can call me Rygel.  You forgot to mention the six billion subjects though.
PM:     Oh.  Sorry.  Anyway first off, tell us a little about the show for people who don't know it.
DR:     Well it's about me and my journey home to reclaim my throne. I've been foully usurped by my treacherous cousin.  Of course things are going very badly for him but unfortunately it's taking me rather a long time to get home.  But I will and when I do I'm going to tear that little dren head a new-
PM:      (interrupting) So where do the others come into it?
DR:      They're supposed to be there to help me although most of the time they just make a nuisance of themselves or get us all into trouble.  Stark's the worst but the others aren't much better either.  And of course it's always me who has to sort it out.  Like the time when we were invaded by the Drax.  Crichton had made a mess of things so who had to risk life and limb and save the day? Me!  And what thanks did I get?  Nothing.  Nada.  Zilch.  Diddly squat!
Sometimes I don't think they appreciate me you know.   And they're far to willing to lay the blame at my doorstep if you ask me.  I mean, who got fingered for opening the crate in Bugs Life?  Me.  Did they listen when I told them it was Chiana?  Oh no!  It couldn't be little Miss Tralk of the universes' fault could it?  Had to be Rygel.  He hasn't got loomahsat least Zhaan used her brain not her mivonks or I'd be chopped Keeva by now.
PM:     Tell us about your relationship with Chiana, Rygel.  What's she like to work with?
DR:     Well Chiana's a lovely girl, a trifle unreliable but well, she's young.  I try to give her guidance and leadership.  She worships me you know.
PM:     There's been talk that you and she are more than just friends.
DR:     Michaels, I don't like to talk about my private life. Let's just say we're very close.
PM:     What about your relationship with the rest of the crew?  It sounds quite tense?
DR:     Well there is friction from time to time but that's only to be expected when you spend so much time together I suppose.  They don't handle the pressure as well as I do.  After all I am a Dominar of action.  But I think they generally regard me as the elder statesman.  It's usually me they turn to when an important decision has to be made.  Pilot for example is devoted to me.
PM:     That would be why you went to negotiate with Scorpius in I Yensch, You Yensch?
DR:     Precisely.  No one else they could trust to get it right.  You saw what D'Argo was like.  Nice guy but his brain is in his tentacles. 
PM:     Were you nervous about that?  Scorpius could've put you all back in chains.
DR:     Indeed but I think that episode may have been my finest hour.  Who else would've gotten that deal or saved everyone's butt after we were taken hostage by those blue lunatics.  Amateurs.  Rank amateurs! 
PM:     Did you know Scorpius was wearing body armour when you shot him?
DR:     No but that's the sort of thing where experience comes in. That guy's a serious player so you have to assume that he's got cards up his sleeve that you don't know about.  Pity though, I wouldn't have minded seeing him dead.  And the halitosis from those teeth, phew.   You'd think, with all that technology, the Peacekeepers could have invested in a few dentics and orthodontists.
PM:     Is he, Scorpius that is, dead now.
DR:     Hmmm, possibly but he's no fool.  I suspect he's still out there somewhere and no doubt angrier than a Bobbin scorpion in a sand pit. I wouldn't like to be John Crichton when he catches up with him again. 
PM:     What do you think about Aeryn leaving?  Was that the right decision? Will you miss working with her?
DR:     Ah dear Aeryn.  A feisty girl.  Not the sort you'd want to cross let me tell you.  Got the right attitude.  I like someone who shoots first and asks questions later.  It was always good to have her on my team so yes I will miss her.  She's changed a lot since I first knew her though and I think she needs some time away to heal and to get herself sorted. 
After the other John Crichton died she was in a terrible state.  Locked herself in her quarters, wouldn't come out, wouldn't eat.  Just sat and moped.  Crais tried to talk to heroh you should've seen his bruises afterwards.  Black and blue he was.  Of course I did much better, but then, of course, I would.  At least I got her to eat something but it wasn't easy.
She pretends she's okay now but I'm a sensitive guy.  I could see things weren't right with her.  Those last few days on Moya she kept throwing up and looking all pensive.  No, she's still one very unhappy girl.  And in that state it's probably best she finds someone new to beat the dren out her good.  She'll be better once she's let out some of that anger (sound of DR chuckling) although I almost feel sorry for whatever dumb schmuck it happens to be.
PM:     What about Crichton? He's got quite a fan following hasn't he? Do you two get on? 
DR:     (sound of DR sniffing). Hmmm.  I believe he's popular with a few of the less sophisticated fans.
PM:     You tried to betray him once l believe?
DR:     Bet your mivonks I did.  As I said at the time I am a Dominar of action. I was rather pleased with that episode.  I gave a rather good performance if I say so myself.  I had great fun shooting it too.  First time I'd had a decent meal in monens.
PM:     Which would you say is your favourite episode?
DR:     Ah so many to choose from.  I thought I was rather good in Throne for a Loss for example, although of course my stunt double did all the bag work. I think, though, my personal favourite is Jeremiah Crichton.  Beautiful island and wonderful people. Food was fantastic too.  I'm thinking of building a summer palace there you know.
PM:     Jeremiah Crichton isn't very popular with the fans.  How do you feel about that and the criticism surrounding it?
DR:     I ignore it.  It's usually made by lesser life forms so why worry and anyway the criticisms regarding that episode had nothing to do with me or my performance.  I believe a lot of the problems stem from elsewhere in the crew.  I won't name names but I think certain parties were jealous about the size of my role in that one and sabotaged the episode. 
PM:     Hmmm.  A strong accusation.  Could you elaborate for us?
DR:     I am a Dominar.  I do not need to justify myself. 
PM:     You have clearly put any bad feeling behind you though. You played a big part in beating the Charrids on Dam-Ba-Da.
DR:     Yes.  Pretty good shot aren't I.  Although I shall be having words with The Powers That Be over that one.  Putting me in the firing line indeed! Haven't they read my contract.  It explicitly states that I must not be put into any dangerous situations.  And as for my injuries, well I'll leave that to my lawyers but let's just say we're talking six figure sums.  I wouldn't mind but it's not the first time it's happened.  And as for letting Stark sew me up in Relativity, well, the less said about that the better.  My modelling days are over that's for sure though.
PM:     And how about Fractures? It must have been interesting having another Hynerian on set?  My other guests often say they find the sex scenes easy to do. How did you find it?  Do you regret trusting her?
DR:     Ah yes, the sex scenes.  Well of course my contract specifically excludes nudity.  You can't be a Dominar of six billion subjects and then have your tackle displayed on every street corner.  It wouldn't be seemly, so we had a closed set for my scenes with Orrhn.  
And speaking frankly, good riddance to the little tralk.  Such ingratitude.  There are females across the galaxy begging for a chance to stroke my ears.  How was I to know the stupid casting directors would pick some treacherous minx as my love interest.  I shall vet them all personally in future.  I gave her unprecedented access to my glorious body and then she kidnaps me at knife-point!  What's the world coming to when females start dong things like that.  Makes us males look bad.  But as I said, I'm a trusting creature when it comes to the lesser gender so I suppose I lay myself open to being used.  
PM:     Another popular episode, was Out of Their Minds.  Was shooting it difficult, I mean for you to be transported into someone else?
DR:     That was just acting and special effects dear boy.  You don't seriously think I would allow anyone else inside my body do you?
PM:     I see.  Moving on, how do you feel about being called a muppet or puppet?
DR:     I am nobody's puppet Parker. (Brief sound of DR laughing) Seriously though, I've discussed this with Pilot.  We both feel quite strongly on the subject and we are as one on this.  Anyone who dares call us puppets is going to get a visit from Miss Piggy!  I believe you've met her?
PM:     Yes, she was on the show a few years back.  Charming lady.
DR:     Exactly and you wouldn't call her a puppet now would you.  People don't realise what a very generous lady she is.  Early on in the show she took time out from her own very busy schedule to come on to the set and give Aeryn a few of her special self-defence pointers.  The pantac jab is hers of course. 
PM:     So do you have any plans for the future.  There's been talk of you playing the young Yoda. Is that true?
DR:     Well, (sounds of throat being cleared) I have been approached by certain parties regarding certain roles but I can't talk about it right now. You understand how it is with these things
PM:     Quite.  Turning to other things, what you been doing in London? Have you enjoyed your trip?
DR:     I came with Chiana. She just loves the place and has bored us all senseless with her endless stories of how 'loverly' everyone and everything is here.  So I thought I ought to see for myself.  She's taken me on a little tour
PM:     Ah yes, I believe you were both involved in an incident at the Tower of London.
DR:     A simple misunderstanding Parker.  We just wanted a closer look at the pretty little trinkets and baubles.  And I'll sue anyone who says we were stealing them.  The Beefeaters understood eventually, although I don't know why Chiana was gone quite so long with them...
PM:     And is there anything you yourself would like to do after you've reclaimed your throne or will you settle back into the life of a Dominar?  Would you like to do a guest appearance on Star Trek for example?
DR:     Frankly, no.  Lycra's not my style.
PM:     Maybe some stage work?
DR:     As a RADA trained actor (note from transcriber: pull the other one mate!) I confess I would be deeply gratified to be approached to do some Shakespeare.  Julius Caesar would be good.  I think I could use my personal experience to give the role new depth or Lear maybe but perhaps I'm still a microt too young for that one just yet. 
I think once I've dealt with my cousin I might like to take a little time out from my screen activities though.  It's hard to combine a successful career with one's royal duties and there's bound to be so much that requires my attention back on Hyneria.  I hear it's going to the palmolian meat hounds under Bishan's leadership.  Doesn't surprise me at all.  That side of the family were always an embarrassment-
PM:     (interrupting again) So how come no one came to rescue you after you were kidnapped?
DR:     I-think-Mr-Michaels-that you've been misinformed. My subjects are very loyal.  Had they known they would have rushed to my defence.  Unfortunately, my frelling agent, or ex-agent should I say, just rolled over when leant on and put out a press release saying I'd been offered the opportunity of a lifetime and had run off to join a band of travelling players.  I ask you, as if! 
PM:     But how could he seize power so easily?  Will you find it as simple to get control when you get back?
DR:     Every empire has its own constitution.  Hyneria's is absolutism moderated by assassination. I shall simply have him, and everyone connected to him, beheaded.  That usually does the trick. 
PM:     Isn't that a little harsh, not say despotic?  Don't you worry about being judged?
DR:     Parker, you're a commoner. You wouldn't understand these things.  I am a Dominar.  I was born to it.  It is my duty.  And the good gods will understand and forgive me, that is their duty.
PM:     Rygel, thank you.  I wish you luck with the series and a safe return to Hyneria.
DR:     You're welcome.
PM:     Well that's all we have time for this week. Next week my guests will be Pilot and DRD One Eye. Should be fun. Hope you'll join me.

DISCLAIMER: (Don't sue us, we're pathetic) This is so made up. We mean absolutely no offence. We all love Farscape, and the actors and crew involved in making our favourite show. This should be seen for what it is, a tribute. If by some bizarre, and frankly disturbing coincidence Mr. Browder does indeed enjoy the company of voles, then we apologise unreservedly.

Farscape and all it's subsidiary bits are owned by some other people and not us. Anything illegal we do is purely by accident and that includes the credit card scam and Bob's marijuana farm.