A WORLD EXCLUSIVE
FOR CRACKERS MATTER
veiled excuse to indulge my passion for Rygel. Hope it
works and hope it raises a smile. And if you don't like
it - blame Dyl! It's all his fault. He made me do
* No infringement of any copyright is intended and I guarantee
no money will be made from this.
* Farscape belongs to that nice Mr Henson and his Sci-fi chums.
I love your show. Think of this as my homage.
* I unreservedly apologise to Mr Michaels (if there is such an
interviewer) and to the well known chap with a spookily similar
name if this in any way causes distress, offence or damage to
reputation (but you did interview Miss Piggy!)
* Please don't sue. I have no money!
Okay a quick note of explanation before we beginthis is written
with the following assumptions: Rygel is both deposed Dominar
of Hyneria on his way home AND an actor. If you like FS
is a docusoap where cameras follow the exploits of the crew on
their journey. Hope it worksand I hope it makes you smile.
PS And I've seen this from Mr Kemper in a Sci-fi.com interview
which would seem to confirm my suspicions
"Just so you know, and you can quote me, all we do is get
the little radio signals and we chronicle what happens.
So we don't have anything to do with what actually happens.
We just report it."
is one Parker Michaels (note from transcriber:
PM: Parker Michaels
DR: Dominar Rygel XVI
Blank screen. Fade up. Opening credits appear
An Evening With Parker Michaels.
DR: Hang on just a microt! Shouldn't
that be an evening with me, His Supreme Excellency Dominar Rygel
XVI, sovereign to six billion Hynerians, comrade and advisor
to the adventurer John Crichton, and confidant and rumoured significant
other to the delectable Chiana.
Another, slightly harassed voice replies: Er, yes, sorry
Rygel, we'll fix that
DR: That's Dominar Rygel to you!
Same unknown voice is heard muttering in the distance: I'm gonna
kill that little green slug.
DR: I heard that! You're
sacked pal. And where are my marjoules? I specifically
asked for them to be put in my dressing room in case I felt like
a snack. And while we're on the subject of dressing rooms
I want whoever's responsible for putting me in that drannit hole
strung up and slowly tortured. There's not room to swing
a (the tape becomes distorted and indecipherable here)
PM: My guest this evening is Dominar
Rygel VXI of the Hynerian Empire, currently taking a break from
the Uncharted Territories and his starring role in the popular
TV series Farscape. Welcome Dominar.
DR: That's okay Parker, you can call
me Rygel. You forgot to mention the six billion subjects
PM: Oh. Sorry. Anyway
first off, tell us a little about the show for people who don't
DR: Well it's about me and my
journey home to reclaim my throne. I've been foully usurped by
my treacherous cousin. Of course things are going very
badly for him but unfortunately it's taking me rather a long
time to get home. But I will and when I do I'm going to
tear that little dren head a new-
PM: (interrupting) So where do
the others come into it?
DR: They're supposed
to be there to help me although most of the time they just make
a nuisance of themselves or get us all into trouble. Stark's
the worst but the others aren't much better either. And
of course it's always me who has to sort it out. Like the
time when we were invaded by the Drax. Crichton had made
a mess of things so who had to risk life and limb and save the
day? Me! And what thanks did I get? Nothing.
Nada. Zilch. Diddly squat!
Sometimes I don't think they appreciate me you know.
And they're far to willing to lay the blame at my doorstep if
you ask me. I mean, who got fingered for opening the crate
in Bugs Life? Me. Did they listen when I told
them it was Chiana? Oh no! It couldn't be little
Miss Tralk of the universes' fault could it? Had to be
Rygel. He hasn't got loomahsat least Zhaan used her brain
not her mivonks or I'd be chopped Keeva by now.
PM: Tell us about your relationship
with Chiana, Rygel. What's she like to work with?
DR: Well Chiana's a lovely girl,
a trifle unreliable but well, she's young. I try to give
her guidance and leadership. She worships me you know.
PM: There's been talk that
you and she are more than just friends.
DR: Michaels, I don't like
to talk about my private life. Let's just say we're very close.
PM: What about your relationship with
the rest of the crew? It sounds quite tense?
DR: Well there is friction from
time to time but that's only to be expected when you spend so
much time together I suppose. They don't handle the pressure
as well as I do. After all I am a Dominar of action.
But I think they generally regard me as the elder statesman.
It's usually me they turn to when an important decision has to
be made. Pilot for example is devoted to me.
PM: That would be why you went
to negotiate with Scorpius in I Yensch, You Yensch?
DR: Precisely. No one
else they could trust to get it right. You saw what D'Argo
was like. Nice guy but his brain is in his tentacles.
PM: Were you nervous about that?
Scorpius could've put you all back in chains.
DR: Indeed but I think that episode
may have been my finest hour. Who else would've gotten
that deal or saved everyone's butt after we were taken hostage
by those blue lunatics. Amateurs. Rank amateurs!
PM: Did you know Scorpius was
wearing body armour when you shot him?
DR: No but that's the sort of thing
where experience comes in. That guy's a serious player so you
have to assume that he's got cards up his sleeve that you don't
know about. Pity though, I wouldn't have minded seeing
him dead. And the halitosis from those teeth, phew.
You'd think, with all that technology, the Peacekeepers could
have invested in a few dentics and orthodontists.
PM: Is he, Scorpius that is, dead
DR: Hmmm, possibly but he's no
fool. I suspect he's still out there somewhere and no doubt
angrier than a Bobbin scorpion in a sand pit. I wouldn't like
to be John Crichton when he catches up with him again.
PM: What do you think about Aeryn
leaving? Was that the right decision? Will you miss working
DR: Ah dear Aeryn. A feisty
girl. Not the sort you'd want to cross let me tell you.
Got the right attitude. I like someone who shoots first
and asks questions later. It was always good to have her
on my team so yes I will miss her. She's changed a lot
since I first knew her though and I think she needs some time
away to heal and to get herself sorted.
After the other John Crichton died she was in a terrible state.
Locked herself in her quarters, wouldn't come out, wouldn't eat.
Just sat and moped. Crais tried to talk to heroh you should've
seen his bruises afterwards. Black and blue he was.
Of course I did much better, but then, of course, I would.
At least I got her to eat something but it wasn't easy.
She pretends she's okay now but I'm a sensitive guy. I
could see things weren't right with her. Those last few
days on Moya she kept throwing up and looking all pensive.
No, she's still one very unhappy girl. And in that state
it's probably best she finds someone new to beat the dren out
of...do her good. She'll be better once she's let out some
of that anger (sound of DR chuckling) although I almost feel
sorry for whatever dumb schmuck it happens to be.
PM: What about Crichton? He's
got quite a fan following hasn't he? Do you two get on?
DR: (sound of DR sniffing). Hmmm.
I believe he's popular with a few of the less sophisticated fans.
PM: You tried to betray him once
DR: Bet your mivonks I did.
As I said at the time I am a Dominar of action. I was rather
pleased with that episode. I gave a rather good performance
if I say so myself. I had great fun shooting it too.
First time I'd had a decent meal in monens.
PM: Which would you say is your
DR: Ah so many to choose from.
I thought I was rather good in Throne for a Loss for example,
although of course my stunt double did all the bag work. I think,
though, my personal favourite is Jeremiah Crichton.
Beautiful island and wonderful people. Food was fantastic too.
I'm thinking of building a summer palace there you know.
PM: Jeremiah Crichton
isn't very popular with the fans. How do you feel about
that and the criticism surrounding it?
DR: I ignore it. It's usually
made by lesser life forms so why worry and anyway the criticisms
regarding that episode had nothing to do with me or my performance.
I believe a lot of the problems stem from elsewhere in the crew.
I won't name names but I think certain parties were jealous about
the size of my role in that one and sabotaged the episode.
PM: Hmmm. A strong
accusation. Could you elaborate for us?
DR: I am a Dominar. I do
not need to justify myself.
PM: You have clearly put any bad feeling
behind you though. You played a big part in beating the Charrids
DR: Yes. Pretty good shot
aren't I. Although I shall be having words with The Powers
That Be over that one. Putting me in the firing line indeed!
Haven't they read my contract. It explicitly states that
I must not be put into any dangerous situations. And as
for my injuries, well I'll leave that to my lawyers but let's
just say we're talking six figure sums. I wouldn't mind
but it's not the first time it's happened. And as for letting
Stark sew me up in Relativity, well, the less said about that
the better. My modelling days are over that's for sure
PM: And how about Fractures? It
must have been interesting having another Hynerian on set?
My other guests often say they find the sex scenes easy to do.
How did you find it? Do you regret trusting her?
DR: Ah yes, the sex scenes.
Well of course my contract specifically excludes nudity.
You can't be a Dominar of six billion subjects and then have
your tackle displayed on every street corner. It wouldn't
be seemly, so we had a closed set for my scenes with Orrhn.
And speaking frankly, good riddance to the little tralk.
Such ingratitude. There are females across the galaxy begging
for a chance to stroke my ears. How was I to know the stupid
casting directors would pick some treacherous minx as my love
interest. I shall vet them all personally in future.
I gave her unprecedented access to my glorious body and then
she kidnaps me at knife-point! What's the world coming
to when females start dong things like that. Makes us males
look bad. But as I said, I'm a trusting creature when it
comes to the lesser gender so I suppose I lay myself open to
PM: Another popular episode,
was Out of Their Minds. Was shooting it difficult,
I mean for you to be transported into someone else?
DR: That was just acting and special
effects dear boy. You don't seriously think I would allow
anyone else inside my body do you?
PM: I see. Moving on, how
do you feel about being called a muppet or puppet?
DR: I am nobody's puppet Parker.
(Brief sound of DR laughing) Seriously though, I've discussed
this with Pilot. We both feel quite strongly on the subject
and we are as one on this. Anyone who dares call us puppets
is going to get a visit from Miss Piggy! I believe you've
PM: Yes, she was on the show a
few years back. Charming lady.
DR: Exactly and you wouldn't
call her a puppet now would you. People don't realise what
a very generous lady she is. Early on in the show she took
time out from her own very busy schedule to come on to the set
and give Aeryn a few of her special self-defence pointers.
The pantac jab is hers of course.
PM: So do you have any plans for
the future. There's been talk of you playing the young
Yoda. Is that true?
DR: Well, (sounds of throat being
cleared) I have been approached by certain parties regarding
certain roles but I can't talk about it right now. You understand
how it is with these things
PM: Quite. Turning to other
things, what you been doing in London? Have you enjoyed your
DR: I came with Chiana. She just
loves the place and has bored us all senseless with her endless
stories of how 'loverly' everyone and everything is here.
So I thought I ought to see for myself. She's taken me
on a little tour
PM: Ah yes, I believe you were both
involved in an incident at the Tower of London.
DR: A simple misunderstanding
Parker. We just wanted a closer look at the pretty little
trinkets and baubles. And I'll sue anyone who says we were
stealing them. The Beefeaters understood eventually, although
I don't know why Chiana was gone quite so long with them...
PM: And is there anything you
yourself would like to do after you've reclaimed your throne
or will you settle back into the life of a Dominar? Would
you like to do a guest appearance on Star Trek for example?
DR: Frankly, no. Lycra's
not my style.
PM: Maybe some stage work?
DR: As a RADA trained actor (note
from transcriber: pull the other one mate!) I confess I would
be deeply gratified to be approached to do some Shakespeare.
Julius Caesar would be good. I think I could use my personal
experience to give the role new depth or Lear maybe but perhaps
I'm still a microt too young for that one just yet.
I think once I've dealt with my cousin I might like to take a
little time out from my screen activities though. It's
hard to combine a successful career with one's royal duties and
there's bound to be so much that requires my attention back on
Hyneria. I hear it's going to the palmolian meat hounds
under Bishan's leadership. Doesn't surprise me at all.
That side of the family were always an embarrassment-
PM: (interrupting again)
So how come no one came to rescue you after you were kidnapped?
DR: I-think-Mr-Michaels-that you've
been misinformed. My subjects are very loyal. Had they
known they would have rushed to my defence. Unfortunately,
my frelling agent, or ex-agent should I say, just rolled over
when leant on and put out a press release saying I'd been offered
the opportunity of a lifetime and had run off to join a band
of travelling players. I ask you, as if!
PM: But how could he seize power
so easily? Will you find it as simple to get control when
you get back?
DR: Every empire has its own constitution.
Hyneria's is absolutism moderated by assassination. I shall simply
have him, and everyone connected to him, beheaded. That
usually does the trick.
PM: Isn't that a little harsh,
not say despotic? Don't you worry about being judged?
DR: Parker, you're a commoner.
You wouldn't understand these things. I am a Dominar.
I was born to it. It is my duty. And the good gods
will understand and forgive me, that is their duty.
PM: Rygel, thank you. I wish
you luck with the series and a safe return to Hyneria.
DR: You're welcome.
PM: Well that's all we have time
for this week. Next week my guests will be Pilot and DRD One
Eye. Should be fun. Hope you'll join me.